I guess is should TW this
I think about these things a lot:
Walking down the street and having a man violently come at me yelling Asian slurs at me when all I was doing was walking with a friend down a sidewalk.
Offensive work production emails bringing up on this day Hiroshima & Nagasaki happened & adding “have a doubly explosive day”
Being fetishized and constantly having to hear the lines “yellow fever” or “I’ve never been with an Asian girl” or the “China doll” and many other grotesque examples
Having a lady in a grocery store see me near her and go to run to her shopping list cart and put her mask on because the “China Flu” is a real thing a piece of trash kept saying to the media
Being the token Asian friend in a very white community where my name was “Asian Kim” instead of just Kimberly. There were only two of us in our community and we both were called “Asian ______”
Being placed to the side behind others in photos for accolades for newspapers when I was the one with the top achievement because the photographer would rather have the white kids front and center
Thinking about being bullied by a girl in middle school to where she would literally dig her fingernails into my skin during recess & I constantly wondered why she hated me so much
Thinking about having a staff at an event hesitate before telling a joke saying “I know this is racist but” and continuing to tell a joke with an Asian slur in it in my presence
Thinking about having to stay in a store in downtown Seattle for a while because some man wouldn’t stop harassing me and following me around asking for my phone number until an employee had to intervene
Thinking about having to stay in a store in San Francisco for a while after realizing someone had been following me around all day while I was shopping. Just having to halt my day in fear that he would follow me to where I was staying.
Thinking about being in Florida at a hotel and having one of the staff in an elevator call me a racial slur casually and having to switch hotels in a city where I was staying alone for work for a week.
Thinking about every time someone had the audacity to ask “what are you” like it’s a normal thing to ask someone.
Thinking about the times drugs were slipped into my drinks in a space where I thought I was safe around coworkers and decent human beings.
Thinking about the times I had anxiety whenever I would leave my apartment or come home in fear of seeing my predator who lived in the same building. Where I would go on a longer route or cross streets if I saw anyone that looked like them.
Thinking about the things I can’t even begin to write down or think about because of the trauma it still triggers inside myself.
Thinking about how for so long we’ve been told to stay quiet. Make yourself as small as possible. Don’t talk about it. Do as you’re told. I am so tired and constantly battling between imposter syndrome and those thoughts that seep in where you question if you should even be taking up space in this world.
Thinking about all of these past traumas and how they’ve been neatly swept under the rug and never ever really processed. Minimized. Moved on. No time to grieve or think about it.
Thinking about those around me who have chosen to stay silent. Say nothing. Do nothing. Voice nothing but their own complaints or attempt to gaslight others.
Thinking of those who have reached out to me and have surrounded me with support. I see you and I appreciate you.
Thinking about how this past year has been exhausting and painful for so many. We have lost so many and so much in different ways. We have endured so much.
Thinking about how I want more than thoughts and prayers. I want more than a colored square. I want active allies. I want education and empathy. I want to see everyone putting in the work. Taking action. Finding their voice and making it known to their friends, family, and the whole world. Holding others accountable. Lifting each other up.