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Give Yourself Some Credit

I'm going to be honest, half the time I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing at work. Actually, probably more than half. The financial industry is new to me. Economics was never my strong suit in college and as I got older I wrote it all off as a bunch of made up bs. To be honest, I still think that's true. However, someone, somewhere, somehow has made it make sense. Not to me, but they have seemed to convince the larger part of the world economics as we know it is very much a real thing.

That being said I often feel insecure about my job. That I don't know what I'm talking about or how to talk about it or how to propose ideas or even what's acceptable and unacceptable. After all, this industry has a lot of compliance issues attached to it.

As much as I feel like I don't know what I'm doing every once in a while I have someone stop by to tell me what a great job I'm doing. My boss expressed to me yesterday how happy she is with my work and that she feels I'm a great asset to the team. Another co-worker told me in the break room how her boss (one of the company's vice presidents) commented how "that Nicole girl really has her shit together." Apparently he's rather particular too, but despite never meeting me is very happy with my work.

Of course that level of recognition makes me feel great and reminds me that sometimes while you're busy panicing on the inside everything is actually going really well on the outside.

I remember about a year ago having a candid conversation with a former co-worker that started when she asked me, "How do you manage all of this?" I laughed and responded, "I've been wanting to ask you the same thing." We both realized that while we were busy thinking to ourselves how we don't have our shit together from the outside people didn't perceive it that way. I always perceived her as being so organized and she happened to perceive the same about me, although neither of us saw that in ourselves.

The moral is this: Even though you're unsure of yourself you're probably doing just fine. Maybe even great.

Active Waiting

“The secret of waiting is the faith that the seed has been planted, that something has begun. Active waiting means to be present fully to the moment; in the conviction that something is happening and that you want to be present to the experience. A waiting person is someone who is present to the moment, who believes that this moment is the moment.” - Henri Nouwen

I’m (attempting) to practice active waiting. It’s difficult. Patience may be a virtue but it has never been one of mine. I don’t like waiting for anything and that’s something I’m working on. Sometimes you have to wait. Things will happen as they need to. I needed a full time job and now I have one. It may not be the most engaging work but I’m able to meet my bills, pay off my debt faster and start re-building my savings with my new full-time income. I’m not worried about paying rent, I won’t have to Uber every weekend, I’m not constantly crunching numbers to make sure all of our bills are paid and if Jonathan has a slow week at work it’s not the end of the world. The stress relief that this has brought is incredible.

However- I like to be kept busy. It is hard to spend 8 hours a day at a desk when you know you don’t need to and feel your time could be more productive accomplishing other things. I still have that pile of laundry waiting for me. My floors desperately need vacuuming and my bathroom is due for cleaning.

Adulting is so exciting.

Regardless, there is a sense of pride that comes with accomplishing these mundane tasks. I know they’re about to be even harder to accomplish now with my new time constraints.

I digress- I still really want the agency job. It’s still a possibility. Last I checked. A week ago. I feel as if it’s still there and I have to trust that the seed is planted and will grow in its own time. My friend Kevin is a good reminder of this. It took him three interviews and several months to land the job he actually wanted and he worked for a month at a place he didn’t like in between. It will happen when and how it should. That doesn’t mean I should stop putting myself out there but it does mean I should stop getting hung up on things when they seem to take longer than normal.

It will happen. Give it time.

One Thing at a Time

I have many goals- one of which is taking things one at a time.

That sentence is almost counterintuitive. Although I believe goals are something where you can have many, you just need to prioritize. There are short-term goals, like putting away that pile of laundry at some point today. Then there’s long-term goals like becoming more financially independent and, I don’t know, actually saving money. A continuos goal of mine is to put myself out there more creatively- hence the writing.

My current before-the-end-of-the-month goal, which supports my long-term goal, is finding a full-time job. I’ve been hustling and I’m tired. Part-time at Janus, Ubering in the evenings, freelancing on the side and now there’s a contract project I may be starting this week. Hey- I’m doing what I need to do to make it work, and it’s working.

The full-time possibilities are progressing. There’s an internal position at Janus I applied for, my direct supervisor put in her notice and is advocating for me to take her place and I had a phone interview last week that *fingers crossed* will lead to an in-person interview this week. Not getting my hopes too high on that one, but it’s still a possibility and my favorite one at that.

I’m starting to finally realize I can’t hunt the job boards and open ten tabs of positions I’m interested in because I won’t apply to any of them. Ten tabs is overwhelming. That’s ten resumes and cover letters to personalize. The job hunting process is daunting. So I’m making it less daunting by taking things one at a time.

Interested in a job? Look at that one. Switch around some things on your resume. Write your cover letter. Apply. Go through, find another that looks interesting. Look at it, prepare necessary materials, apply. Continue to repeat until you feel like you can’t look at another job description, until tomorrow.

To be honest, there’s a part of me that doesn’t mind my current set up. It keeps things interesting. However I always feel like I’m spending time chasing and time is money (no really, it is). Having something full-time would allow me to work smarter not harder. However, this experience has taught me an important lesson: I need to continuously work on developing my brand.

In my industry, contract, project-based work is becoming more and more common. As I become more established and grow my network the opportunity to freelance full-time will become less daunting and more feasible. It’s something I’d like to do one day but I don’t think today is that day. Today I just want a nice salary, paid time off and more experienced professionals to learn from. Just because that’s what I want today doesn’t mean that’s what I want forever. Through establishing my personal brand now I can enjoy the benefits of it later.

Friday night, 8:30pm.

I threw on my shoes, picked up my keys, grabbed my purse and prepared to head out for my first night as an Uber driver. I had already finished up my dinner and my boyfriend was working through his 2nd helping as I said goodbye.

“Here, please clean this off and take it with you,” he insisted handing me the steak knife he had used to cut up the final bits of chicken on his plate.

I stammered for a moment. This wasn’t the first time my safety had come up. He was pretty adamant that I should purchase a taser before my first drive. That hadn’t happened mostly because I didn’t have time to drive out to the suburbs to buy one. Ultimately I refused the steak knife. Something about carrying it felt weird and unnecessary. Besides, he had left his wine key in the car. Not that the tool could do much damage, but at least it was something that could be used as self-defense if necessary.

The truth of the matter was it kind of bothered me how much he was thinking about this. I appreciated his concern for my safety. It’s nice to have someone who loves and cares about you enough to want you to be safe, but I also knew if the roles were reversed he’d think I was ridiculous for insisting he carry a knife or taser.

During my first two nights as an Uber driver two things became apparent: 1) Female Uber drivers are not common. 2) People are surprised to see female Uber drivers because of safety concerns.

“Just don’t pick up any creepy guys tonight,” one rider cautioned.

“You’re so brave!” another applauded, multiple times, throughout our ride.

I don’t feel comfortable being placed in the same category as firefighters and cancer patients. “Brave” is not a word I'd use to describe what I'm doing. I'm making money to pay my bills. People do it every day, maybe not by picking up strangers in their car, but making money is a normal thing. Driving Uber is a normal thing.

Other questions and comments ranged from “Are you concerned for your safety?” to “Have you ever watched ID Discovery?”

Yes, I have. Yes, I recognize that psychos exist. However, I’m also smart enough to realize they’re a very small population. Random acts of violence aren’t that common. In the 30+ rides I had this weekend only one person made me feel uncomfortable. Ironically, he asked me if I was concerned about safety too. Even so, he didn’t cross any major lines. He bothered me enough that I gave him a 2 star rider rating, but not enough that the situation needed to be escalated to self-defense. Not even close.

Any female can attest to the fact that we’re raised to be defensive of ourselves. We’re raised to feel that men can easily over power us and we should be fearful of that. That we shouldn’t walk alone at night. That traveling by ourselves is dangerous. We’re taught to live our lives in fear and it’s only reinforced by everyone else around us.

I don’t believe in making decisions out of fear. Maybe there is a story out there, but I haven’t heard of any Uber drivers who have found themselves in dangerous situations. If I’m not fearful for my safety, why are you? And to the numerous men who have asked me about this, would you be afraid for yours?

Everything Feels Weird

lately. I’ve been here three months now and it’s suddenly hitting me how far I am from everything. How different my life is but how much its the same. How every day it feels like I’m becoming more of who I am.

Maybe it was registering my car and changing my license that triggered it. Removing the last physical bits that scream “I’m a Floridian.” Although I’m sure that fact will become painfully obvious once winter hits and I’m scrambling to find a proper winter coat.

I started thinking about my ex-boyfriend last week. Not in any sort of way where I miss him. It’s just strange to think about how he wouldn’t even recognize me anymore. Physically, sure, but if we picked up the phone, had a conversation and caught each other up on our lives then no.

We broke up over three years ago after just over three years together. He went from being such a big part of my life to not in my life at all, which I’m more than ok with. He was crazy. One of those people who loved the idea of love more than he actually loved. He thought he loved. His parents were both former crack addicts, his mom actually relapsed once during the course of our relationship. Neither of them were ever really supportive of him. His mom and I often had coffee together in the morning when I’d stay at their house and she never had anything positive to say about him. He was raised much differently than myself in a lot of regards. Like how him and his sister both dropped out of high school. That was an ok thing for them to do and something a lot of their friends had done. My parents would have been outraged if I didn’t complete a bachelors degree at minimum. I’m so thankful for them.

Writing all this of course makes me consider why I ever dated him in the first place. It was such an odd pairing. How did a girl graduating high school a year early end up with a drop out? Let alone for three years.

As much as I criticize him for loving the idea of love I have to criticize myself for my lack of confidence too. He was one of the first and few guys who actually showed interest in me at that age. A lot of my friends started getting boyfriends in middle school. I think I always felt like something was wrong with me because I didn’t have a lot of guys show interest in me. Then when he did I held onto that. Just like he held on to the tiniest bit of love he could get.

I’d never want to talk to him but if I did it would be weird. I listen to different music, have different interests, I’ve graduated, had a “real” job, moved, different dog, different life and a completely different perspective. Everything is different. I’m nothing like I was three years ago.

There’s people I’ve had in my life who were once important to me. I held them on pedal stools because, as a stereotypical Leo, I’m extremely loyal. Some people I’ve had bad falling outs with, but they needed to happen. One in particular I look back on and every time I do I know things couldn’t have gone any other way. That friendship had to burn to the ground or the negative cycle that was our relationship would have just gone on. People who have left my life more recently were typically in calmer ways. Sometimes when I’m experiencing all of these new and exciting things I want to share those with them and then I think about what their response would be.

The people who have dropped off more recently I find just aren’t progressing in life. I certainly didn’t leave behind all of my friends in the move. Strangely moving brought me closer to some of my friends back home. The more I think about those who have dropped off the more I don’t even know how they’d fit in to my life now. I like talking to people about their goals and hearing what they’re passionate about. I believe in constant self-improvement because if you’re not progressing in life what’s the point? Not every one shares my sentiment.

It’s just weird to think about how much has changed in such a short amount of time and how people who were once so important to me are just gone.

But life moves on and so will I.

August Goals

Personal: Begin Exercising Again Find something that works for you. A mix of cardio, weights, hooping, swimming, etc. is ideal. Start hiking more but don’t depend on it. Winter is a thing here. Stretching should be a part of this. Start doing it in the morning. Stop hitting snooze (this is an uphill battle).

Professional: Find Full-Time Work I really don’t care if this means driving Uber, freelancing, or actually finding a full-time job. Honestly- I’d rather not spend my entire day at a desk. Meeting interesting people sounds appealing, although putting a ton of miles on my leased car does not. Freelancing is appealing but I lack the personal motivation right now... I’m working on that too.

#personal improvement #goals

There comes a point in life where bad beer is bad beer. I don't care if it's free, I'm not drinking that piss water.

Was feeling creative and decided to dig around in my kitchen to try and put something together I hadn’t made before. It’s easy to fall into routines, even if they’re as simple as rotating a handful of your favorite recipes.

I knew I needed to use the chicken and mushrooms. After discovering some old croutons and a sauce that had been hiding in the pantry forever I ended up with this, parmesan crusted chicken with sauteed mushrooms, peas and a little bit of lemongrass basil sauce.

Well...

Here I am. Struggling with deciding on the right words to say. How to say them. Worrying about if I’m presenting myself the right way. Trying to hold a tight grip on my perception.

Someone once told me the more you’re on the right path the less coincidences become coincidental.

I guess that’s true because as I sat here fumbling with where to start on revising my resume and procrastinating with yet another scroll through Facebook I came across this blog post.

Danielle and I worked together in Orlando. She quit two months before me to pursue her passion of make-up artistry. I quit two months after to pursue my desire to live in Denver (or really anywhere that wasn’t Florida). Her post today reminded me that we both launched our journeys for similar reasons: to pursue our full potential. It’s interesting because Danielle and I, at the surface level are very different people.

She doesn’t drink. She’s very religious. She holds God at the center of everything she does.

I’m a sinner, not a saint, and have never been a fan of organized religion.

Despite this major difference in how we conduct our lives I’ve always held a great respect for her because she’s respected me. Unlike the majority of highly religious people I’ve encountered Danielle leads by example. She has never preached her values to me. She’s always shown them through her actions instead. Never once has she looked down upon me because I don’t go to church, told me I was going to hell for not believing in God, or made me feel less than her for my life choices.

I don’t know if you could call us friends. We never hung out outside of work. We never giggled over common interests, but both of us held a high respect for each other and I appreciate what our relationship is, even if I’m not sure what you’d call it.

Moving to Denver I had one goal in mind. I wanted to get outside of my comfort zone. I expected moving 1,800 miles away from the place I grew up to be a major shock. I expected that I may cry some nights, that I may get homesick, that adjusting would be a struggle. Those things didn’t happened.

While my boyfriends mom was visiting last week she couldn’t stop talking about how well adjusted we seemed, how amazing it was that we already knew our way around town, how wonderful our friends were. Then she asked me if I missed home. The answer was a blunt “no.”

It’s not meant as a jab toward my friends or family back home when I say that but I really don’t miss Florida. Denver somehow feels more like home than Orlando ever did. I feel at peace here, like this is where I’m supposed to be and that’s a wonderful thing to have.

When I decided to move I didn’t have much of a plan. We had a 2 month lease at a house with roommates I met off Craigslist and that was about it. It wasn’t a perfect plan, but it’s evolved over time.

When Danielle launched her blog she envisioned it as a place to chronicle her experience as a Christian woman in the dating world. She’s now transformed it into a place to share her experiences and help build up other woman.

Sometimes when you start something it’s not perfect. It’ll probably never be perfect but nothing should be a one and done. I’ve always admired people who put themselves out there creatively and have wanted to start a blog. I’m a writer- I need to write. But I can never narrow in on a topic. Or I didn’t have time to set up a Wordpress. Or I didn’t have a content strategy to execute.

Today I don’t care about any of that. Sometimes the best place to start is just to start and I’m doing exactly that.

I haven’t really liked the things I reblog for a while now and Tumblr has lost it’s charm from that perspective. I’m going to start using this blog to write instead and if you don’t want to deal with these large blocks of text in your feed from time-to-time I suggest you unfollow me. It may be boring at first and I won’t be forcing myself to write every day. Hell I may even reblog some stuff because I feel like it but if I want to call myself a writer I need to write. Even if it’s not perfect.