smosh sideblog for smosh brainrot. made this mostly to store clips i really like and reblog things and drop random thoughts. Header made by the lovely @unknownteapot! || Loves Triple A a regular and normal amount || RPF here! big emphasis on the F. for Fiction. not intended to be even a little bit real. everything in that territory or verging on it is marked as "smosh rpf". nsfw rpf is also tagged as 'nsfw'. dead dove do not eat. || Fic I've written is under the tag "my fic" || No likes or follow backs since i'm keeping this separate from my main, sorry || 20's. gay asf.
as i'm sure you already know, israel has resumed aggressive bombardment of gaza as of march 18th. at least 400 people have already been killed, with hundreds more wounded or buried under the rubble. on top of this, israel has also been almost completely obstructing the entry of aid for the past several weeks, and cut off power to the last functioning water desalination plant on march 9th.
it is more important than ever that those of us outside gaza do not attempt to ignore the ongoing genocide in favor of the illusion of security. any small thing you can do is better than complacency.
if you need a place to start:
help Suad get urgent medical treatment for her baby and mother-in-law - @suad-khaled (#279 on @/el-shab-hussein and @/nabulsi's spreadsheet)
help Mahmoud reunite with his family in a safe place - @supportgaza (#151 on @/el-shab-hussein and @/nabulsi's spreadsheet)
help Amal take care of her daughter and provide for 20+ family members - @amalashuor (#175 on @/el-shab-hussein and @/nabulsi's spreadsheet)
help Firas and Nisreen continue their education and support their family - @firasmuhaisenn, @nisreenameen, @helphashemfamily (verified by @/90-ghost)
you can find more campaigns to support here, here, or here, or a big (nonexhaustive) list of gazan organizations and mutual aid initiatives here. if you have the fortune of disposable income, i highly encourage you to contribute something in any of these directions. it can truly help save lives.
A/N: this update got away from me a little bit, so I'm splitting it into two parts. welcome to the present timeline, guys. buckle up. also disclaimer as always: none of this is meant to represent the real people behind the internet personas. make believe is just fun. shout out to @shesmore-shoebill @poppyfamily and @baflegacy for always indulging my insanity. hope everyone likes this angsty ass update! (part four should be coming in the next hour or so)
PRESENT DAY
In hindsight, maybe Angela should’ve clocked it sooner. She was an overly observant and anxious type, especially when it came to Courtney. She always kept a keen eye on Courtney in social situations because she knew just how quickly Courtney’s tolerance for large groups tended to fizzle out. Tonight was no exception to the rule. They were attending the wrap party for season three of Angela’s show, and within two hours, Courtney had led her to a far corner of the massive banquet hall and made her sit down. Angela had simply smiled up at the woman she loved while Courtney dropped into her lap, one finger under her chin to guide her into a kiss.
Angela couldn’t keep the shit eating grin off her face as Courtney pulled away. “I’ve got you, baby.”
Courtney returned the adoring look, but the tension didn’t quite leave her body. Angela knew it was because there still wasn’t real privacy. Any of the 200 other people in the room could come over and take Angela away. It was inevitable. Angela just hoped most of them would be able to take the hint that they’d snuck away to a semi-secluded to take a second together. Something they hadn’t had in what felt like six months. It was exactly six months in fact, and Angela knew that because that was when she’d planned a whole elaborate hiking trip that ended in a very romantic proposal. It was one of her proudest feats that she’d managed to avoid any semblance of paparazzi or weird stalker-like fan that day. Probably a bigger feat that Courtney had said yes, but that was besides the point.
Hindsight, though, was going to prove to be a bitch. She’d been ignoring the fact that Courtney hadn’t been wearing her ring all week. Sometimes, she forgot to wear it to work. No big deal. Sometimes, she took it off doing chores around the apartment. Even less of a deal. Tonight, though. Tonight, they were out, dressed up, and surrounded by many, many people that Angela respected and admired, and the ring was not on Courtney’s finger. Angela had noticed when they were leaving home, but she hadn’t said anything. Maybe because some part of her was terrified of the answer. It had to mean something. Courtney was an incredibly deliberate person. She wouldn’t just casually forget that they were engaged for an entire week.
Sitting there in their relative seclusion, Angela decided to bite the proverbial bullet. She stroked a hand along Courtney’s back while the other reached out for her girlfriend’s barren left. “Did I do something?”
Confusion clouded Courtney’s face. “What do you mean?”
Angela ran the pad of her thumb across Courtney’s empty ring finger. “You’re not wearing your ring.”
“Oh. Yeah. I was just afraid of there being a bunch of photos of it. That’s not the way we want it to get out, right?”
Angela knew the privacy aspect of their relationship was make or break for Courtney. They worked as hard as humanly possible to keep as much of it to themselves as they could. Fans liked to zoom in and speculate. Oh, Angela doesn’t look happy standing next to Courtney there. They must be fighting. There was a story going around about Courtney not liking one of Angela’s female co-stars because of a love scene and Angela despised everything about it. Courtney was an ordinary person. All the trappings of semi-famous existence weren’t for her.
So, Angela accepted her answer. They didn’t want it to get out. “You’re right. I’m sorry.”
Courtney snorted, fingers coming up to run through Angela’s hair. “You don’t have to apologize, Ang.”
“No. I do. I know we haven’t had a lot of time to ourselves lately. I swear I’m working on it.”
In the next week, she was going to start doing press for the next season. Photoshoots. Interviews. All the typical shit. These next few days were for Courtney and Angela was going to be damned if anyone interfered with that.
“I know you are.” Courtney replied quietly, brushing Angela’s lips with her own again. “In the meantime, though, you should definitely get me another drink.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
-
The only thing that kept Courtney steady was Angela’s arm across her waist. She’d unfortunately had one or two too many cocktails at the party, but Angela didn’t seem mad at her. She was fully giggling at Courtney’s state, lips brushing her temple as they walked up the front step to the apartment’s door. Courtney leaned against Angela while she unlocked the door, the cool night air a balm on her too warm skin.
Angela used a hand at her lower back to guide her over the threshold and Courtney went, beelining for the bathroom so she could get out of the little black dress she was wearing. She was so ready to be in sleep clothes and get in bed. It was well past midnight. Angela was right behind her, probably just to make sure she didn’t eat tile trying to get to the bathroom. The whole apartment was spinning. Courtney groaned and reached for the counter, eyes blearily looking up at her reflection in the mirror.
She felt Angela’s hand slide up her back, fingers settling along the dress’ zipper. “You need help?”
Courtney just nodded and clumsily kicked off one heel and then the other. Angela had to catch her again, which she did with both hands against her waist and a belly laugh. “Easy, baby.”
Courtney felt herself smile and leaned forward to kiss Angela on the lips. Their heads bumped, causing them both to laugh as they readjusted so their lips could meet. Angela pulled back first and her hands went back to pulling down the zipper for Courtney. Courtney rested their foreheads together, her teeth showing in a grateful, affectionate smile. She moved the straps down herself, and soon enough, the dress was pooled at her feet, leaving her in bra and panties.
Angela’s hands were back at her waist. The touch was far too respectful for Courtney’s liking. Angela was always like that when the alcohol was flowing, though. It was sweet. “I’m proud of you, you know. I know I don’t always say it, but I am.”
Angela’s brown eyes were alight. “What for?”
“You’re a big star.” Courtney replied, rubbing her hands along Angela’s shoulders.
“I don’t know about that.”
“I do.” Courtney laughed some more, and stepped back so she could go into the bedroom for her pajamas. Angela stopped her with a hand in hers.
“I meant what I said. I’m going to make more time for us.”
Even in her stupor – the stupor that was caused by just how much she wanted to avoid this conversation – she knew Angela was simply placating her. There was no time to be made. Angela was an executive producer and a co-lead, and she liked pitching ideas for the writers. She was in it. Courtney constantly felt like the farthest thing from Angela’s mind.
“I believe you, Ang.” Lying on purpose when you were drunk was a hell of an accomplishment.
“Good because I mean it.”
Courtney rolled her eyes, thankful that Angela couldn’t see because she was behind her again, following her dutifully into the bedroom. It should’ve been turning Courtney on to be literally naked with Angela so close. There should’ve been anticipation or tension. Something. Anything. Annoyed, Courtney pulled on a pair of gym shorts and an oversized t-shirt. She didn’t spare Angela another glance as she stumbled over toward the bed and worked her way beneath the covers. She put her phone down on the nightstand and closed her eyes, pressing her head back into the pillow to keep the room from doing more somersaults. It didn’t take long for Angela’s weight to drop onto the other side of the bed. Courtney stayed still, half-expecting Angela to just go to sleep, keeping all the physical and emotional distance between them. It wouldn’t be any different than the way things had been for almost a year at that point. Hell, half the time Courtney went to bed alone and woke up that way because Angela was already heading out to set.
Angela didn’t just go to sleep. She turned toward Courtney and shimmied her body closer until she was pressed into Courtney’s side, cheek against her shoulder. Courtney opened her eyes, and her whole body started to relax, comforted instantly by Angela’s warmth against her. She turned her head to accept the kiss that Angela leaned in to give her. That eased her even further. She used both arms to keep Angela close, and their lips met again, with more purpose. Tingles of excitement hit Courtney everywhere. She still wanted Angela. That wasn’t a question. She put all her pent-up need into the kiss, her tongue excitedly seeking out Angela’s, only for Angela to pull back, an apology on her face.
Courtney let out an undignified whine at the loss. “What the fuck.”
“I’m sorry.” Angela’s tone was soft and sweet, and Courtney felt bad on impact. “I’m just exhausted. But we’ll have the whole day together tomorrow, you know?”
Angela smiled at her, but Courtney felt indignation bubbling up. She was so tired of playing second best for Angela all the damn time. Not that she didn’t want Angela to rest or recharge; it was just that she was literally throwing herself at her only to get the most lukewarm response possible. It was low-key humiliating. Knowing that the person you’ve been with for four years just couldn’t be bothered to want you.
The spiral of her own thoughts was irritating, and Courtney used the displeasure to lift herself right out of bed. Angela laid back, stunned. “Where are you going?”
“Need to clear my head.” Courtney grabbed her phone and retreated, finding herself relieved when Angela didn’t make a single move to follow her.
She went out into the living room again. There, she felt a weird sense of the apartment being too big for just the two of them. There was an extra room and an extra bathroom and sure, maybe Amanda hadn’t lived there in years, but Courtney was still aware of the absence. It was all the alcohol talking, surely. She hadn’t thought about Amanda in so long; not since the older woman had left Anthony’s restaurant to take a higher paying management job somewhere else. Courtney missed her at work, but she avoided that thought as often as she could. It was easy, really, because she was too busy being frustrated by Angela’s increasingly obnoxious schedule. Courtney threw herself into long shifts while they worked to replace Amanda and a couple of other waitstaff, and quickly her menial service job became a full-time commitment. Angela wondered where her engagement ring was. Courtney had taken it off because she was so tired of being reminded of a promise that didn’t feel attainable anymore.
As she sat down on the couch, she wondered if Angela had spoken to Amanda. Angela barely had time to text her during the day, so she assumed talking to Amanda was a near impossibility. She hoped that Amanda was reaching out. Surely, Angela would’ve been a wreck if she and Amanda just weren’t talking anymore. Everything was probably fine. Hopefully. Sighing, Courtney tapped on her phone, her heart giving a pang at the picture of Angela grinning at her from the other side of a table at their favorite café. It was a place they hadn’t managed to go to in months, and probably wouldn’t be able to go to anymore, on account of Angela being quasi-stalked by “stans” and paparazzi who knew she lived in the area. Courtney was tolerating the change in her own lifestyle for Angela, but God, it was an adjustment. She could go out alone just fine, but she couldn’t enjoy time with the person she loved anywhere. Not in public or private, if tonight was any indication.
She knew she was being too harsh on Angela. They were going to have a handful of days together starting tomorrow. It was probably going to be a great time. They’d easily find themselves as a couple again. Courtney just feared the day after and the one after that, where the fork in the road that was their separate lives would continue. How much longer could she go on having Angela for a few days or a few weeks, only to have to give her away to a demanding public on a whim. She feared that the answer was not much longer.
“Fuck.” She said out loud, clicking back into her phone. She tapped her contacts, her intent being to call Arasha or Trevor. One of them would pick up. Whoever did would hear her out and understand her dismay. She paused on Amanda’s name instead. She’d completely forgotten that Angela had forced Amanda to give Courtney her number in case of emergencies. Amanda lived the closest, in case Courtney couldn’t get ahold of Angela on set. It’d been maybe a little dramatic at the time, but Courtney understood it. Still, she hadn’t used the number at all. It was still there, regardless. She contemplated deleting it. That was the right answer, wasn’t it. She couldn’t have Amanda’s number. Amanda was halfway in love with her. It wasn’t fair to Angela, though Courtney herself had never said a word about it to her. That was for her own sake, really. She couldn’t tell Angela about Amanda’s fixation without admitting that she’d harbored something for a moment, there, too, just before Angela became her whole world.
Angela would shatter with the knowledge, especially now. Courtney didn’t want to be the cause of that ever. She did love Angela. Sometimes, though, she just had to wonder…
She clicked Amanda’s name. It rang enough times for Courtney to consider hanging up, but she didn’t. She waited. The waiting paid off as the other line came to life, Amanda’s sleep riddled voice invading Courtney’s senses in a way she wasn’t expecting. “Court? What’s going on?”
The concern warmed her up. Amanda was a lot of things, but a bad friend wasn’t one of them. “Hi, I’m sorry. I didn’t think I’d wake you.”
There was the sound of shuffling, and Amanda letting out a sleepy sigh. “Is everything all right? Does Angela need me?”
“She’s sleeping in the other room. She’s fine.”
“Oh.” The surprise was clear in Amanda’s rebuttal. “Okay. What’s up, then, Court? You don’t sound like yourself.”
She and Amanda hadn’t spoken in almost a year, and somehow, Amanda could hear how off-kilter she was. It was endearing, to say the least. “I drank too much at Angela’s wrap party.”
Amanda laughed at that. It was raspy and deep. “I see. Did you have water at all?”
“Angela made me.”
“You’re damn right she did.” Amanda replied. She paused for a moment, and then, “It’s actually so good to hear your voice, Court.”
Her heart fluttered. “Really? Here I thought you wouldn’t want to talk to me.”
“That’s never been true.” It was a statement. Matter of fact.
Courtney grinned helplessly at the words. “You’re so sweet sometimes.”
“Thanks, Court.” Amanda laughed again. “How was the party?”
“I hated it. Why do you think I got so drunk?”
Amanda stayed quiet, and Courtney took that as permission to vent everything she’d been feeling for the last five or so hours.
“It just felt like a different world, you know. Angela just fit right into it, and I was on the outside looking in, not even feeling like I was supposed to be there. Angela didn’t leave my side at all. We just don’t feel like us anymore. Not for me.”
Courtney selfishly wondered if Amanda was happy to be hearing just how much she and Angela weren’t clicking correctly. “I’m sorry, Amanda. I probably shouldn’t be telling you all this.”
“Tell me anything you want.”
It sounded flirty. Courtney didn’t know if it was meant to or if she was projecting. “You were really asleep when I called?”
“Yes, I was really asleep.” Amanda replied, amused. “No one’s in my bed, either, if that was your next question. Why so interested?”
“I’m not.”
“Have you told Angela any of what you told me?”
“I haven’t.” Courtney said. “It would break her heart.”
“But you aren’t happy, Court. I love Angela to death, but she’s a workaholic and most of the time, she doesn’t realize how she’s hurting people by being so nonchalant about it.”
Courtney exhaled, her head falling back against the couch, eyes on the ceiling. The drunkenness was wearing off, but now she was starting to feel reality creeping in. “I just think I know that when I say all this to her, we’re gonna be over.”
“Do you need a place to stay?” Amanda stopped dead. “Sorry. That was insensitive.”
“You’re okay.”
“I just meant that I have a spare room. And. I’m actually looking for someone to help me out at the new job. We have a couple of private parties coming in soon and I could use someone to run them with me.”
It seemed a little too good to be true. Amanda just dropping all the answers into Courtney’s lap with zero provocation. Maybe it would be good. A change of scenery. Something different, far enough out of Angela’s orbit that Courtney might find herself again. That sounded so fucked up. She was so fucked up.
“Let me get back to you. Can I do that, Mandy?”
“Yeah. Yeah. Of course.” Amanda breathed. “I’m sorry. I kind of just threw that all at you. There’s no pressure.”
“I should try to get some sleep.” She had to redirect the whole thing. She had to. She was already mentally moving on. For fuck’s sake, she wasn’t even thirty yet. There was no real need to settle down. And God, she didn’t know if she could be Angela’s trophy wife. She barely felt loved anymore and she wasn’t even entirely sure it was Angela’s fault.
“Okay.” There was a smile in Amanda’s voice. “Can I text you tomorrow sometime? Just to check on you.”
Courtney was actively choosing to give Amanda the benefit of the doubt. They could be friends. Real friends. It wasn’t going to devolve into anything inappropriate. They were respectful adults and they both loved Angela.
“You can.” Courtney said before she could fully talk herself out of it. “Good night, Amanda.”
“Good night, Court.”
She hated how much she’d missed hearing Amanda say her name like that, all wrapped up in a reverence that couldn’t be fabricated. Amanda was a player, sure, but Courtney knew there was a sincerity there that Amanda tried to keep to herself. Every single time Amanda showed that side, Courtney was drawn to it like a moth to the flame. She would’ve given anything to get that part of Amanda all the time. She always wondered how Angela had managed to break Amanda’s walls down so completely. She never asked because talking about Amanda with Angela was something she chose not to do unless Angela brought her up. It was a defense mechanism of the highest order, and maybe Courtney was sick of it. She’d missed Amanda. It didn’t really matter if she wished she hadn’t.
Only one thing was for sure: after tomorrow, her life was never going to be the same.
-
The next morning for Angela was all about damage control. She hadn’t had much to drink the night before, so she was up earlier than Courtney. It was hard not to focus on how the blonde had never come back to bed. Angela walked out into the living room to get her car keys and found Courtney sprawled on the couch, a blanket halfway off her body and pillow on the floor. Despite herself, Angela grinned at the scene. Courtney was adorable, and Angela loved her so fucking much. She wished she was better at proving it. Today, she would be. Her first order of business was picking up breakfast and coffee at Court’s favorite local spot. Angela threw on a hoodie and wore her Arizona Coyotes hat practically over her eyes. It was as incognito as she could manage, and thankfully, she wasn’t spotted. Maybe it was too early for any vultures to be out. Angela was grateful. Her next order of business was to grab a bouquet of tulips and daisies. They were Courtney’s favorite flowers, and even more importantly, they were both symbolic of fresh starts. Exactly what Angela was after. Courtney would appreciate how much thought she was giving the whole thing. Courtney would see how hard she was working.
It was going to be okay.
By the time she was back home, Courtney was stirring, but still out. Angela took the opportunity to set the table, her brain whirring through all the things she was going to say, the big speech she was going to give, how she was going to save her relationship before the morning was even over.
“Ang?”
Angela turned at the sound of Court’s sleepy voice, smile creeping across her lips. “Good morning.”
She watched quietly while Courtney ran a hand through her hair, and moved to stand up, green eyes still bleary. The hangover was probably killer.
“Here, babe. Sit down. There’s greasy food and coffee.”
Courtney did what was asked, her gaze taking in everything Angela had managed to put together in the last 45 minutes. The flowers sat in a vase in the center of the table. Courtney studied them, but didn’t say anything more as the call of the breakfast took her attention away. Angela laughed at her suddenly ravenous girlfriend.
“Do you need aspirin?”
Courtney shook her head no and Angela finally sat down, feeling like maybe the world was no longer spinning out of control. It was okay. They were going to be okay. For a good ten or so minutes, they ate in silence. It wasn’t uncomfortable or awkward. It never was. Angela could see the gears going in Courtney’s head, though, despite how she was barreling through her meal to fight the remnants of alcohol.
Angela knew she had to get out in front of it. Somehow.
“Look, Court, I’m sorry about last night. I know we’ve been in a weird place and I just…I want to fix it.”
Courtney took a sip of her extra strong latte. Her eyes watched Angela over the rim of the cup. They were intense and serious. She put the cup back down, and let her gaze lose Angela’s all together. Her shoulders slumped just a little.
Angela felt a pit of dread coil up tight in her stomach. Nothing Courtney was about to say was going to be good.
“You’re a ghost, Angela.” She said in the thick silence. “Last night was the most time I’ve spent with you in weeks. Do you realize that?”
“Yeah, I know. I…”
“Hold on.” Courtney put up a hand to stop Angela’s desperate attempt. “That’s not even really the point. I’ve pretty much accepted that this is your life now and I need to be supportive, but that’s hard to do when the night that I finally get to have you, you push me away. You pushed me away after I spent the whole night in your Hollywood bullshit, feeling more like a trophy on your arm than an actual person.”
“Court…”
“I’m an idiot, I guess, because I thought you’d be all over me.” Courtney went on, her tone sharper and harder than Angela had ever heard it. “That you’d kiss me and touch me and remind me why I’m doing all this waiting around for you. But you can’t even be bothered to care how I feel, can you?”
“I do care, Court. I do.” Angela said forcefully, hands squeezing at the edge of the table. “And I did want to be all over you, but I’m a leader on that set. I couldn’t just leave early because we haven’t had sex in awhile.”
“It’s not just about that and you know it.”
Angela sighed helplessly, her heart sinking into her stomach. “Okay. Fine. Let’s leave, then. A two-week vacation. Anywhere you want to go. Name a place.”
“I want out, Angela.” Courtney replied, cutting Angela to the bone. “I love you, but I can’t do this. Our lives aren’t compatible anymore. I know you don’t mean it, but I’ve stopped being a priority for you.”
“That’s not true.”
“It is true.”
The panic set in, then, an explosion behind her eyes like nothing she’d ever experienced. It was made even worse by the fact that Courtney was just calm. She was ending their life together and it wasn’t even hurting her to do it. “Court, come on. We can figure it out.”
“I don’t want to figure it out. I want you to go be famous and important and I want to start over by myself for a bit. I hate that I’m hurting you, but I have to do this for me. Please respect that.”
Angela stood up, and all the pent-up energy in her body made her pace. “Where are you going to go?”
“You can stay here.” She blurted, not even fully processing. “I’ll go crash at Trevor’s.”
“Ang, you don’t have to.”
“I’m doing it, anyway. Stay here as long as you need, Court. I mean it.”
“Okay.”
Angela was surprised she hadn’t started to cry yet. She could feel the urge pressing hard at the back of throat, but she wasn’t going to give in to it if Courtney wasn’t. She was going to hold it together. She was going to get past it just like Courtney had already seemed to. She wanted to be offended that Courtney was writing them off so easily, but maybe she didn’t have a right to be. She probably had been taking Courtney for granted, just expecting her to be fine with the drastic changes in their domestic lifestyle. In Angela’s defense, she’d thought the stupid little detective show she’d gotten casted in was going to be a one and done type situation. No one had expected to blow up the way it had, and now they were wrapped on season 3. Angela was grateful and disgusted by it all at once. It was costing her the most important person in her life and the most important person in her life was sitting at her kitchen table, treating the end of a four year relationship like a business meeting.
Angela wanted to vomit. She couldn’t look at Courtney anymore. It was making her angry and sad and a whole plethora of other things she couldn’t put a name on. She retreated to the spare bedroom, where she stayed for maybe half an hour, texting Trevor to see if she could visit. Of course, he said yes.
