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mary | livereading mess | expect me to scream main blog

[shesobs]

8 chapters in S&S and I can’t shake this weird feeling as if Alina using her powers is some dark forbidden thing. And I don’t even know how to describe it, it just feels like the author creates this atmosphere of something wicked and tabooed around the moments when Alina used her powers which we barely had a handful of.

Whenever she thinks about getting more power it sounds like a sacrifice but I just can’t take it seriously because the logic is completely off to me. In the beginning of the book Alina doesn’t use her powers because she’s in hiding and that could potentially expose her, and her suppression of powers makes her weak again. And the moment she goes back to using it she blossoms. So how am I supposed to feel bad about the fact that she’s trying to get more powerful when that same power she was born with is something that keeps her healthy and well. And I know the nuance is there and that the amplifiers are supposedly something unnatural in this scenario and all yada yada. But I just cannot.. all I keep thinking about is how a woman protagonist is being constantly side eyed and punished for trying to get the power she clearly wants.

[shesobs]

After weeks of stalling and being busy with life and to pay attention to the book, I finally put all of my strength into finishing s&b because lord knows I need it all and probably even more, because even listening to the last chapters of the book makes me feel exhausted. I’m going to write more posts on some scenes later, but I just... basically this moment below (Alina and Mal are hiding in the woods before finding the stag)

Yall... I was literally like

I’m genuinely trying to understand what the author was trying to do here, especially knowing how we’re technically supposed to root for this perfect knight who came to save Alina. Like what are we supposed to feel about this? Because right now I feel nothing but anger and a will to punch him in the face. Do I even have to say anything about Alina finally, for the first time in her life, being healthy and well, she eats well and doesn’t feel exhausted because of the previous (subconscious or not) suppression of her powers... or some of you need a reminder of that... Because I really can’t get over the implications of that. And I have a feeling that its only the beginning.

And after that it really is clear what people mean about Mal reminding them of the toxic people they’ve met in their real lives. Because its rarely someone who treats you like shit 24/7, its someone who casually makes remarks like that and you don’t see the signs till later.

Oh and also hilarious when people say that book!Mal and show!Mal are the same person, when in the book this dumbass says that to Alina and in the show he says: “You really developed an appetite, didn’t you? That’s new. Not bad, I’m just saying it looks good on you.” How could you not see the difference 🤦🏼‍♀️

[shesobs]

I wish I didn’t know how TGT ends because now reading about Alina describing the way she learns to accept her powers is truly sad and painful. But the moment when she finally embraced her light is probably the most powerful and beautiful moment in the book.

The way she realised that she was different but decided to suppress that part of herself. The way we see over and over again how denying herself of her powers was taking a toll on her physical state.

And then the moment when I truly lost it, when she apologised to herself and her powers for keeping it hidden and denying it for so long. The way the dreams that she was letting go were opening up this huge part of herself that would help her blossom into a healthy powerful person.

“At last, there was something that belonged wholly and completely to me.”

And in the next chapter, honestly, I’m struck with the juxtaposition of how healthy she was compared to how she’d been before. She says she can go up the stairs without troubles, she sleeps better and overall feels mentally and physically at her best. Her powers are giving her the confidence and health she’s never had. It was something so pure and innocent, something that was always on her side and always belonged to her no matter what, something that never betrayed her or wished to leave her. Even if there would be no one left in her life, her powers were always there for her.

And during all of this I remember how the story ends and honestly feel sick to my stomach with grief... and I don’t have any powers to help me. 

[shesobs]

there’s so much i can handle alina being shocked that people around her don’t like the monarchs

[shesobs]

no you really don’t understand how funny it is to read about Alina being punished for drinking kvas and how everyone is getting drunk on it... its funny but also the secondhand embarrassment I be experiencing is out of this world 

lb really found some fancy slavic drink and immediately decided that its probably as alcoholic as vodka and felt proud of adding it in the story........ when in reality you have as many chances of getting drunk on kvas as on orange juice or something 

[shesobs]

Okay so since i’ve read most of the first tgt book months ago, I decided that I aint reading that again but gonna listen to the audio book while I’m working, up to the point where i ditched it, which is like 2/3 of the book. 

Right now I’m at a moment when the Darkling saves Alina from the Fjerdans’ attack and honestly idk if its me, or the narrator doesn’t understand the Darkling’s character at all. The way they say his lines, makes it sound as if he detests Alina and treats her as if he’s angry at her. Like yeah, he’s cold at the beginning and all in his darkles moods but I never got an impression of him talking to Alina as if he was this angry seething dude. He’s always been cold at least, indifferent at most to me. 

[shesobs]

me coming back here weeks later after i promised to start reading s&b 

[shesobs]

this is gonna be so much fun ohhhh boy