A Rehearsal for Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead
ACT I (The only Act necessary)
The PLAYER paces with a binder in hand. ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN are on center stage with the horse’s HEAD and ASS both in costume as the pantomime horse. Other actors are strewn about the theatre and set designers work on various projects.
PLAYER: From the top! Action!
ROS: (flips a coin; catches it) Heads
PLAYER: Stop! Rosencrantz, you have to show conviction! Wonderment at your predicament! A coin just doesn’t land heads up seventy times in a row.
ROS: It doesn’t? It’s been landing heads up this whole time, that’s almost a hundred and twenty now.
PLAYER: Believing the coin is landing heads up is a great start but coins don’t land heads up that many times in a row.
GUIL: He’s right though, it has been only landing on heads this whole time.
ROS: See! It’s not impossible that a coin could land heads up that many times because it’s already done that and more!
GUIL: Is the coin weighted?
ROS: Why would someone weigh a coin?
GUIL: Why would a coin land head up a hundred and nineteen times in a row?
HEAD: Maybe it’s a gambler’s coin.
ROS: (taking a step back) The horse speaks!
ASS: You know who we are Rosencrantz
GUIL: What creature can speak words from their behind?
PLAYER: Enough! Let’s move on to another scene.
(The TRAGEDIANS walk on the stage, and so does the PLAYER)
GUIL: I thought you were directing.
PLAYER: (still standing where he was in the beginning and certainly not on stage) I am, now action!
PLAYER: (on stage) Halt! It’s lucky we caught you.
GUIL: Were you looking for us?
PLAYER: No but we certainly need you! (he turns to his troop) Places everyone!
(The TRAGEDIANS start setting up a makeshift stage)
PLAYER: We are the Tragedians, and we are glad to come across you lest we grow rusty. For extra coin you may participate in debauchery, otherwise, we can perform any genre you would like to see.
(The TRAGEDIANS bow)
ROS: What kind of debauchery?
PLAYER: (off stage) Cut! Rosencrantz, that’s not your line!
GUIL: I didn’t say anything.
ROS: Didn’t you?
GUIL: No, you’re Rosencrantz
ROS: Can’t I ask questions when I have them Player?
PLAYER: (on stage) I’ll be happy to answer them.
PLAYER: (off stage) You aren’t supposed to follow that line of questioning until later
GUIL: When’s later?
ROS: What line of questioning?
PLAYER: (on stage) Player, maybe we should show them later
PLAYER: (off stage, sighing) Altright (he claps once) Speed it up.
(The TRAGEDIANS run offstage while OPHELIA runs onstage, chased by HAMLET. He grasps her hand before they split apart and take off in different directions. CLAUDIUS and GERTRUDE enter.)
CLAUDIUS: (to ROS and GUIL) We have need of you.
GERTRUDE: Visit my son.
(They exit the stage swiftly. POLONUIS enters, chasing after CLAUDIUS)
POLONIUS: Sire, I have found out why Hamlet acts so strangely!
(POLONIUS exits)
ROS: I want to go home.
GUIL: Which way did we come in?
ROS: Why is everything so fast?
PLAYER: (off stage) Resume normal speed!
GUIL: Why are we here?
ROS: For Hamlet, we’re his friends, aren’t we?
GUIL: What’s wrong with Hamlet?
ROS: How should I know?
GUIL: Didn’t the King just tell us?
ROS: Did he?
GUIL: That’s the same question.
ROS: Statement!
GUIL: Since when were we playing questions?
ROS: Isn’t it in the script?
GUIL: What script?
ROS: Hamlet’s father died!
GUIL: Of course he did, you fool.
ROS: Isn’t that why he’s upset?
GUIL: Should be.
ROS: How would you feel if you were Hamlet and your father died?
GUIL: How long ago did he die?
ROS: Not too long
PLAYER: (off stage) Play!
(The TRAGEDIANS rush back on stage, bringing another stage with them. PLAYER (on stage) lounges on a couch while he plays the flute.)
ROS: We’ve seen this before, haven’t we, Guildenstern?
(GUIL does not respond)
ROS: Rosencrantz!
GUIL: This looks familiar
(The TRAGEDIANS rush through the next few scenes, depicting what has happened and what has yet to come.)
GUIL: I’ve got it! They played for us in the woods.
ROS: I thought they didn’t
GUIL: We met them there though
ROS: Then they must have
GUIL: But did they play for us?
ROS: They most certainly did.
GUIL: I don’t remember them playing.
ROS: Statement!
GUIL: Questions was a different time.
(The TRAGEDIANS exit the stage and bring their stage with them. HAMLET enters as crew members roll a boat scene on stage.)
ROS: Where are we?
GUIL: We’re on a boat?
ROS: Since when?
GUIL: Since now. Do you have the letter?
ROS: What letter?
GUIL: (patting his pockets) Oh, I have the letter.
ROS: From the King?
GUIL: Yes.
ROS: Well we better protect it. What do we tell him?
GUIL: Well we say we’re here to deliver this letter.
ROS: And then what?
GUIL: And then he reads it. (GUIL opens the letter and scans the words).
ROS: What’s it say?
GUIL: Hamlet is to die.
ROS: That’s not what the letter says.
GUIL: This is the first letter.
ROS: But Hamlet doesn’t die
GUIL: He does
ROS: No he doesn’t
GUIL: You’re right, he doesn’t
PLAYER: (on stage) Everyone marked for death must die.
ROS: I thought you were directing
PLAYER: (off stage) I am!
GUIL: We aren’t meant to die
PLAYER: (on stage) Were you not paying attention?
GUIL: To what?
PLAYER: (on stage) Me
ROS: You?
PLAYER: (on stage) Yes, me
ROS: No you aren’t
GUIL: He isn’t?
PLAYER: (on stage) Yes, I am
GUIL: The letter changed
ROS: Where’s Hamlet?
GUIL: Why’s everything so fast?
PLAYER: (on stage) We have a skimmer in our midst
ROS: Are we dying?
GUIL: We aren’t supposed to die.
ROS: We are.
GUIL: What’s the point then?
ROS: Why should there be one?
PLAYER: (on stage) There’s always a point in tales
GUIL: Not this one
ROS: No, there is a point to this one.
GUIL: Not with us though.
PLAYER: (off stage) Cut! That’s all the time we have for today. See you all tomorrow bright and early!
ROS: Why’s it ending?
HEAD: You don’t need to stay in character
GUIL: But this isn’t how it ends.
PLAYER: (on stage) No, it isn’t
PLAYER: (off stage) This time it does.
(Everyone files out except for GUILDENSTERN and ROSENCRANTZ. The lights turn off and they remain on stage standing in the dark.)