You fell in love with me, and no feeling was worse than that. Than having your love, and knowing you were suffocating it within you, smothering it, because the love you held for her was stronger. Was there anything I could've done to change the outcome? What have I done in a past life to come so close to having you?
You talked about how perfect we were for each other. You told me how you fell in love with me during the long talks we had in your car. In every word you said, you expressed your love for me, your love in me, and I shared everything that was in my heart.
In the end, you chose her. You chose your fiancee, which is what you should've done. There shouldn't have been a choice at all. But you had to think about it. That's how close I was. You said you had thought about what it would be like to date me, and, while it was left unsaid, you thought about what it would be like to kiss me, to love me, and to introduce me as your boyfriend. My gender had nothing to do with you falling in love with me, as it should be. But maybe the rejection would've been easier to take if you said you were straight. That was what I was expecting.
I was not expecting people to ask if I was your fiancee. I was not expecting for people to assume we were together, I was not expecting people to say we radiated an aura of soulmates.
The night you rejected me, the night where you could finally look me in the eyes and tell me she was the one, I told you that you had to tell your fiancee you fell in love with someone else (just not enough in love with him). Because if you really were giving that relationship your all, and if she was the one for you, why did this all happen?
She was so angry with you, and I was too. How could you hurt such an innocent girl by falling in love with someone who, when compared to her, is nothing more than a leaf in the gutter? You're with her now, though, I wonder if she's still angry with you. I wonder, do you still have any feelings for me? Or were they snuffed out, doused, did you wake up from your nightmare and see how perfect she is?
That night was my closure. But like a window left unlocked, cold air still gets in. Sliding across the bottom of the room, I feel it on my feet. Sometimes, I still wonder if you are in love with me. I wonder why I have your spare key, and not her. I wonder why I still get goodnight and good morning texts, I wonder why people still ask if we are together. You say I'm so important to you, you're glad that you met me, that I'm unlike anyone you've ever known. You say you miss me after a few days. I wonder, does she hear the same thing?
I wonder, am I doing a good job acting like I don't love you anymore?
