thinking

[shikoukailou]

i dunno why processing people’s opinions tires the fuck out of me lately.   it’s like, my ex roommate was trying to convince me that the illuminati and the freemasons exist, and i guess there isn’t any evidence to say she isn’t wrong.  but i dunno, i think peple wh think like this are srt f stupid.  it’s like the inability t see the effect f things as the cause f a lt of different causes that have a lt t d with psychlgy, the ecnmy, the multitude of actins frm peple wh have their wn mtivatins prbably sum up the events f the wrld, much mre than like a few rich peple in a cult wh are the puppeteers f everything bad happening.

Just tires me ut because it’s nt their fault their mind isn’t capable f prcessing anything mre sphisticated.  and it’s a bit annying because sometimes she talks t me like i’m stupid.  like once she was telling me, “k, i’ll explain what demns are t yu, and I knw you don’t understanding it because it’s just such a vast and cmplex thing t prcess, but i’ll tell yu anyway.”  

Tbh, I dunn why I entertained her t the degree that I did.  Because in hindsight it was just super tiring t try t understand things frm her pint of view. 

[shikoukailou]

i don’t know why everyone is like this, but people would text me or email me and then suddenly just stop the chain of communication like, midway without properly ending the conversation.  it’s like they saw my message, decided it was too long to respond to, even though they were the ones who started all these topic threads, and then just forgot to respond?  it’s not like i’ll end a friendship with someone over this, but i fucking hated when tom riddle did this because he’d just not respond to some pretty serious texts we were having, and his fucking excuse is that everyone is like this.  he’s not wrong, but it was monumentally more annoying when he did it because I was emotionally invested in him.  

but i just don’t fucking get why it’s so difficult for people to just make a fucking courtesy text or email to wrap up a discussion chain instead of not responding at all.  I’m not like this, and a few other people I know are not like this, but seriously, 90% of people I know are like I don’t know, have these fucking issues with keeping track of everything in their lives or something, and just forget fucking basic courtesy shit.  

[shikoukailou]

i got recced to work at a new company that is sort of, very high level.  Want to get in, but super scared that my stuff is not good enough for them :<  There’s sort of a level of safety in being mediocre at a large company, but not really at a small one where money is tight and the company is still trying to make a name for themselves.  i am secretly hoping they tell me they don’t have the budget for me :x and that I should work somewhere else.  

[shikoukailou]

am listening t the wrld war ne series f hardcre histry by dan carlin.  it’s s fascinating.  i didn’t really like histry much when i was yunger because i hated listening t hw hrrible peple were.  i still can’t stand much fr current events, especially plitics for this reason, but maybe i can swallow histry better now because no matter how bad things were, at least the result f it wasn’t cmpletely hrrible decades later. 

there’s this part in hardcre histry where dan carlin talks abut hw insanely hrrible the battle f verdun was, and hw astunded he is that peple wh were in it had the mental resilience t persevere thrugh it fr as lng as they did.  He then qutes something frm fitzgerald that sort of elegantly explains the mentality and make up behind that toughness, how it was a glitch in the circumstances of the time and the particular type of romanticism and determination that a person who was more realistic and cynical did not have.  

when i think about it, it’s such a poignant and true thing.  one can really only go through with so much suffering and so much pain if they genuinely believe in the benefit of their sacrifice.  in the war people were dying in such high numbers, but this attitude must have still counted for something.  

[shikoukailou]

has it becme impssible t reply t peple n tumblr nw?  what is the deal :x;

[shikoukailou]

:x tom riddle and I are nt n speaking terms.  what a ridiculus farce f a relationship.

[shikoukailou]

update: still seeing tom riddle.  i am surprised more than anyone that we’re still seeing each other.  

some of the stuff he says is so stupid and hilarious.  the other day i asked him why he always asks me what’s up before we have sex.  then he points to his penis.  this guy seriously belongs in a fanfic, giving ukes a hard time.  

[shikoukailou]

got this at the mall today.  i have not cared for sanrio in decades until they made this guy.  

[shikoukailou]

vaerdant replied to your post “a recruiter a method contacted me today :D and a friend of a friend is...”

Glad for you! <3

thank you >3333

[shikoukailou]

a recruiter a method contacted me today :D and a friend of a friend is a recruiter at double negative.  sort of stoked that my name is getting known professionally at studios now.  just need to get in contact with sony, ILM, and weta and yeah... i mean it’s weird, i am not in a super rush to work at all of the big studios but i do feel like it is going to happen eventually.

[shikoukailou]

in a conversation asking tom riddle where i stand with him and how much of a priority i am to him, his response is, “you really don’t give me any credit”.  he says this not offended-like, but in a way indicates he finds it charming and amusing that i don’t trust him.  

at this point we’re not taking each other seriously anymore.  if it works, it works.  if it doesn’t, it doesn’t.  our dynamic is so fundamentally dysfunctional that on paper it probably won’t work.  in a backwards sort of way, however, he and i are so brutally honest and self sufficient as people that maybe we’ll adapt to each other before he gets sick of me or i rage quit on him.  

[shikoukailou]

the thing that i realized about people is that they often get mad/annoyed at me and not think that they are doing it.  it’s really weird because i’m pretty cognizant of when it happens and i feel pretty bad immediately after.  but i guess other people sort of lack that type of self awareness. 

[shikoukailou]

huh...tom riddle messaged me.  :/ 

[shikoukailou]

the conclusions that sherlock comes to of a person based on one look at their appearance have so much room to be wrong that it makes sense that this shit is only flying because it’s fiction.  like goddamn.  though, i think when i was a kid i thought it was cool.  the writing at least is easy to digest so going to power through.  remember liking agatha christie’s stuff more.    

[shikoukailou]

reading about abusive men in relationships.  so...the consensus is tom riddle sort of abusive, my dad pretty abusive.  :/ i guess i don’t have the greatest dudes in my life.  i’m really happy that i had mr. ploeger as a prof in uni.  he was sort of like a father figure i never had.  

[shikoukailou]

been making some really good headway on buddhism lately.  sort of weird that i am switching back to water after months of drinking nothing but tea.  

not really sure why tom riddle got under my skin so much tbh.  i don’t think i’ll ever contact him again, but i do hope he gets serious someday...whether it’s with me or with someone else.  

i’m really happy for some reason right now.  like, i don’t believe in love in a conventional sense, but i think i’ve discovered it in a form that has absolutely nothing to do with romantic relations.  in a lot of ways i am extremely grateful that buddhism exists.  

[shikoukailou]

every girl i talk to about relationship stuff says completely different things about men.  it’s very interesting that girls from western society are a lot less forgiving about behaviour that could be construed as manipulative.  They are also a lot more...risk adverse but have a stronger understanding of human psychology, interpersonal dynamics.  

middle eastern girls are almost used to men being scumbags in some form.  they’re also...a lot more aware of how to play games and be unaffected by them, they just seem tougher yet more emotional in some ways.  like...they’ve been through more harsh conditions and still know how to love fiercely.   

it’s funny that i find the latter group a lot more...humane in a way?  but i dunno, sometimes i feel i am very lucky that there are so many kind people around me.  some people...i feel try to help by being stern and mean, like hitting my sore spots deliberately, and i think of all the approaches, those are the ones i like the least.  

i find women so diverse.  and in a sense, i feel like since i don’t have any close friendships with different men, they all come off seeming like, their relationship with me isn’t one of shared humanity so much as them being consumers of my broadcasted brand of femininity.  men talk about their philosophies, the way they see the world, their take on society and who they are far as they see it.  but i guess for some reason, it feels like an academic exercise and i wouldn’t say there’s a lack of humanity precisely....but maybe a type of restraint that happens out of experience with the opposite sex.