i'm so exhausted. i've been doing so much. i have !!!! i have done a lot, continuously trying to get better. I've never felt so inferior to everyone around me. it feels so humiliating to live as me. I feel humiliated when i wake up ,when i laugh, when i cry, when i breathe and when i don't. Sometimes i cry so hard it feels as if i'm sinking deeper than the ocean, like my head falls to my feet. I feel sometimes as if my heart is cotton and it gets all soaked, all wet and dirty and heavy. I tried ignoring how horrible i felt; for months, i've been waking up at 5am just to do my hair and put on a whole lot of makeup, just so i can stand outside without falling to the ground crying. Sometimes it's like the mirror is my worse enemy. There's so much that happened to me, i want to post it all, but it's gonna take some time. I might not even remember everything.
Do you know what it's like to look in the mirror and see an expression of horror? that's how i feel. I always feel horrified before my reflection, it really terrifies me it's so difficult to accept that that is me. FUCK I FEEL SO HOPELESS 2345EYR6UOHKGVKSWSQDEWZS3UJGFQ? N!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i feel stupid for feeling sad. I feel guilty for feeling, i hate to feel, i believe i don't deserve to feel sad or angry or happy because those are human emotions. Whenever i act normal i feel terrible. Like i'm a creature pretending, like i'm breaking rules because i shouldn't be allowed to feel normal.Does this make sense?
why do i even bother trying to look cute?
Do you know how it feels spending hours changing your skin, eyes, mouth, hair, to change everything about you every morning, to stand like some poorly patched doll made with cheap scraps next to brand new toys. It feels so humiliating stand all caked up next to a bare faced girl and still not being half as pretty as her. Do you know how devastating that feels? To put in so much effort ...... so you can stand your sight even just a little. I'm really attached to makeup. I'd rather die than not wear any. Every morning when i'm done doing my makeup i think "gosh i'm pretty darn cute!" before staring a second too long and tearing up. So i just give myself a weak smile and get out. When i get to school, i immediately go into the bathroom to make sure i don't look too terrible. I just think "oh wow........" then pretend like my reflection didn't just make me feel like ripping off my skin.
I've been getting into trouble with my parents because of that. They really dislike it because it makes me seem like a slut according to them. My mom always says she never sees anyone else at school wear so much makeup. Maybe because they were born lucky? I feel like i owe my life to everyone who's seen my bare face.
Sometimes i hate my best friend. All she wears is a bit of mascara and SOMETIMES concealer (she doesn't even have dark undereyes) and it hurts me when she says stuff about herself because it feels like a sharp attack. She once said "haha, me? i'm literally plastic!!!!!!" ....right. If she is, then what am i? sometimes she texts me self depreciating stuff and it makes me want to slit her head off. If she thinks SHE is ugly, knowing every boy falls in love with her, every boy is texting her, she's the prettiest girl at school. How exactly am i supposed to feel?
i hate when i say something about food and she says "haha i didn't even eat yesterday" "omg i felt so sick i didn't even eat" like ok? i don't care, we get it you didn't eat, you're tiny and pretty and skinny i get it, i know i've been careless but i'll soon get back to it and lose weight. It's so obvious how she's saying that on purpose. Sometimes female competition feels just so obvious.
i wish that i too were better than other girls.
janainaart
kianamaiart