//Can I scream into the void here?
I'm scared. Terrified. Trying desperately not to think about it. About the fact that we will likely end up homeless. We need almost $1,000 just to stay in this apartment this month (December, yes the one that's almost over), and then turn around to about $860 next month. And then in February our lease is up and our rent will likely go up too. Neither of us work and we're both trying to get on disability. I have a lawyer but Duo hasn't contacted his people in so long I'd be surprised if they still are working for him.
I *might* have a safety net if he'll get his head out of the sand and realize that he's not terrible for me. I know he's not but he's so full of worry and doubt that it scares me. Assuming he does, I have somewhere to go. Duo doesn't now that he's cutting out our potential housemate out of his life. It scares me. He physically and mentally can't work save for his art so he has no way to get a place on his own. I'm worried for him and also his animals (dog and 2-4 cats). It's a wonder my anxiety isn't higher than it is, but god above is my depression just going to town. I'm not like, wanting to hurt myself, but I'm just low. Emotionally I feel like I've been in a plane crash and I just don't know what to do. We're OUT of people we can (or will) ask for help. My grandparents could technically probably help but without any way to pay them back they won't. They refuse to throw any more money into the pit that is my life while I don't have a job and honestly I can't blame them.
As it is, we've only been living in this apartment as long as we have through the charity of others anyway. When we moved in, I worked at Amazon and I think Duo was at CVS. That was good money for a helljob (in my case) and a decent job (in Duo's). We have a gofundme which we share regularly but only one person can give it seems and while he's a real blessing, it's not enough. The government will only give us so much more money and stopmyevictionnow.org demands that there be 250 work hours in the last 6 months. Duo hasn't worked at all this year and I haven't worked since March. Early March.
All I want to do is cry. Cry and cry and cry and run. But I can't do either thing because I'll scare someone or I'll be alone. The weird thing is that I already feel alone and like a failure. I always dreamed of being better than this. Of not being a morbidly obese disabled unmarried person without a job or money or a car. No, I was supposed to be married with kids and a house by now. Now I don't know how much longer I'll have a shitty, run-down studio apartment that is so far from everything that no matter where in town I go it's an hour on the bus or more. Nothing against busses, but when the driver yells at you in front of the whole bus because your service dog wants to stand instead of sit... it's frightening and tiring and I just want it to stop. There have been days when I've thought about walking out the door and just walking off. Nowhere in mind, just going. But I can't. I have my rabbits and my cats there, plus my family would worry sick when they couldn't contact me.
All this to say, god I don't know what to do. We need money and we need it NOW and I don't know how to get it before time runs out. It's the holidays so most places are either already closed or about to for those precious few days a year when even Walmart closes, and winters in our part of Kentucky get the worst after December. I need help desperately and I don't know where to go. I'm going to try to call Neighborhood Place again tomorrow to see if we can get an appointment but it will likely not be until the new year. We'll very likely have to go to free legal aid (the I think state-provided council) to beg them to try to convince the judge that we aren't in fact worthless bums trying to squat in our apartment. Nevermind that we went through this just a few months ago.
I've tried applying to jobs. Starbucks (multiple), Wendy's, a local bar. Most rejected me outright and Wendy's didn't even call or email me to say yes, no, or go fuck myself. I'm trying damn it but I'm getting nowere fast. I'm holding a brave face and numb exterior because I have to. Someone has to. If I don't, I'll shatter and I don't know if anyone will or even can catch me.
Add to that, I'm dead worried about Duo. Like I said, I have (potentially) a safety net. He doesn't. Sure he might go live with his parents as a second-to-last resort, but how on earth will he get his dog, his cat and her two daughters, and probably the black cat down there? His mother would have a FIT since she's already vocalized just how against them she is. He says he'll fight her for them but there's no telling what will happen. Add to that how would he even get them to Florida in the first place? At least me, I just have Pineapple, Aries, and my two rabbits if I have to not take Bao (which I would hate to do, leave her there). He and I have lived together for, what, seven or eight years now. It's hard to do that without a bond forming and I'd definitely say it's there. It's certainly different than when we first moved in together, but it's there.
I wish I had someone to talk to, someone who could give me solid advice on what to do. My instincts are saying to move out now, to jump right into that safety net. But my heart says "Don't you dare." My brain says that it's hopeless and there's nothing we can do. My heart says to keep fighting for what we have. My gut says to run like hell and don't look back. And my little depression monster says- Well I don't think I can put on tumblr what it says.
I'm lost and scared and don't know what to do. Adults are supposed to know what to do but I see now that that stopped with gen x and boomers. I'm a terrified child in a 33 year old's body and I want out of it. I want happiness but that's too much to ask. All I ever wish for anymore is financial stability. But clearly that's just a wish now since, unless my lawyer can work a miracle, I have no way of doing that. I can't work because the accomodations I need are too great, even if these places would hire me. But I can't get anyone to even look twice at me. I fee like I have failed as an adult and a human. I'm only 33 but I feel like I might as well be 80. At least 80-year-olds can get better help. I keep getting told to ask for help in certain discord servers but nothing happens. I pass around the gofundme and my paypal literally begging for help and nada. I am seriously considering using what little money we have to go to cvs, buy posteboard and sharpies, and then go stand on a corner and beg. The worst that might get me is arrested or in a fight with another begger, but best case I might get something out of it.
I don't know what to do. If anyone is reading this, if you've gotten this far in, you can DM me to talk if you want. I have no pride left, no room for it, so I would literally do anything for hep. If I knew how to sell a kidney, I would honestly do it. They're worth a fortune. I'm going to stop now, I don't know what else to say.