Waiting.

After two years (and change) of TTC, received a diagnosis of DOR (AMH 0.12) at age nearly 38. We have moved on to domestic private adoption (with gladness) and we are approved & on the waitlist to adopt as of February 2017. Failed adoption (revocation after 9 days) in August 2017.

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I have the writing itch today but I don’t really have a lot to update.

I had a hysteroscopy two weeks ago, and have yet to find out what was done. They were planning to remove what they thought was a fibroid. Recovery was a little rougher than I expected (hello, surprise general anesthesia when I’d been told to expect sedation!) but otherwise it does seem to have stopped my ongoing spotting and bleeding problems.

Once I officially get the thumbs up from my obgyn and the clinic, we can move on to the contract phase of the embryo donation. And once that’s done, we can proceed with an embryo transfer. It all seems thoroughly hypothetical, however. If I’ve learned anything through four and a half years of this shit, it’s to be guarded with my expectations about a given path.

But -- maybe an embryo transfer this summer? Maybe?

We have 11 embryos, which is not what we were originally told. Two of them are 3-day embryos, a.k.a. ready to roll, albeit not the coveted 5-day blasts that the donor couple used to produce their two kids. Because they are older embryos, frozen in 2007, the clinic wants me to thaw both in preparation for transfer. They are hoping at least one will make it to transfer, and we will plan to transfer both if they both survive the thaw. 

The remaining 9 are basically just fertilized eggs. We will hold those in reserve in case the first transfer doesn’t work, or neither embryo survives the thaw, and/or we have success and want to come back for more. They would need to be thawed and cultured to 3 or 5/6 days, and again we would expect a 50% attrition rate at best for these guys. I’m hopeful that we would get at least another couple of embryos to transfer from that batch, but nothing’s guaranteed.

“Nothing’s Guaranteed” is the title of the book I’ll write about this shit someday.

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Whoops, I haven’t updated, have I?

We got matched! 6 embryos from 2008 (whoa) but with a good track record, i.e. two transfers, two babies.

We are still jumping hoops here and trying to confirm that our local clinic will do the transfer. Also, had an SHG done and I either have a polyp or fibroid. Either way, it needs to come out and I have to wait for a surgical time, likely May or June at the soonest. So we are probably looking at a summer transfer.

It’s possible that we will get an adoption match before then but who knows. Nearly two years on the list.

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We’ve been thrice rejected since my last post — A, B, & C.

Waiting on D & E.

Feeling a little over it.

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Also: profiles C & D may be interesting but what’s the point of ranking them as we haven’t even been shown to B yet???

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Agency sent us profiles C & D (new) along with all other unmatched donors that we’d seen already. Profile A (our first pick) was absent — so I emailed and asked, does this mean they’ve been matched?

Nope. They need (yet more) time. Ughhhh.

You’d think that people who have been through infertility would remember what waiting is like.

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No word from Donor A yet. Trying not to be frustrated because it’s not like we’re even ready for embryos? But I hate the idea that they would be this slow with every step along the way if they picked us.

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I’ve been blue, feels like for a long time. I think it’s a natural consequence of a series of some shitty things happening. GB likes to remind me that we’re not unlucky and that things just happen, and that good things happen too. But looking back, lots of the good things have been pretty muffled and greyscale for me. Hard to cheer your butt off for victories when you are just -- meh.

So I guess that’s normal, and I guess that’s post-trauma recovery, and I guess things are slowly brightening. And I guess that maybe they will never be quite where they were? Does your life ever feel quite the same after you’ve had to hand off the baby you have grown to love, the one you’ve dressed and cuddled and thought of as yours (greedy greedy) for nine whole days?

I know there’s no cosmic plan, and that the universe doesn’t have an outstanding IOU made out to us. But I just can’t help feeling that we MUST have a good surprise coming. We MUST have happy watercolour days ahead. I need to believe that I will cuddle a little body to mine and know true belonging. I will be stepping on LEGOs and trying to pick crumbled goldfish crackers out of the gaps in my car’s upholstery. I will be exhausted and it will all have been worth it, at last. It’s still coming to me, it must be -- but could it goddamn hurry up already?

It’s been more than four years. Nearly three since we had a few weeks of pregnancy and then shattered hopes. Over two since I found out my ovaries are a joke, and over a year since they took my baby from me. I don’t need to keep pushing the boundaries on this story of “we shall overcome”. I am good to stop here. I will happily preface all my parenting stories with “we waited more than four years for this”. I don’t want to tick over that counter into five years, six years.

Where does perseverance end? Where does it morph into self-torture?

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GB has been pretty wishwashy about any baby discussion since the revocation. I don’t blame him, it sucked. And it sucks more when you’re a guy and you have been socialized to express any negative emotions as anger. 

He is into this embryo donation thing. He is worried that four embryos aren’t enough -- which, I’m like -- dude, it’s $3K or more per transfer and we would probably go one at a time? Four seems like plenty?

I don’t know, I am glad he’s interested. But I’m also trying so hard to be chill and he’s not helping.

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I guess I’m documenting this here now?

We got five donor profiles to peruse today. As these are all the unmatched profiles in an agency with about 1:1 donors:recipients, it’s safe to assume that these donors are either picky in some way or undesirable from an odds point of view. Long-term infertility folks are very good at odds.

Sure enough, two of the five had unproven batches of embryos -- both had gone on to have successful spontaneous pregnancies after unsuccessful embryo transfers from this batch. While the spontaneous pregnancies say good things about their gametes, the lack of success with the embryos suggests these ones may not be the best ones. So they’re out.

A third profile has one lonely embryo from a while back (10+ years). While in this case, the genetics are great (donor egg and donor sperm, both under 30 at the time), the temptation to take a chance on a lonely 12 year old 3-day blast is not that strong.

So we were left with A and B. We asked to have our profile shown to them, and if they like us, it’s a match.

A is a couple with 4 embryos, fairly close to our part of the country. Grading is great on the embryos. I think they are newly enrolled as I’m surprised they haven’t been matched already.

B is another couple with 4 embryos, slightly lower grading but good. They are far away and prefer same racial background (we’re not) and a closer family (we are physically far). We would be down for it but not sure they would be.

So we’re going for A first, and then B if A turns us down. And there are two more profiles on the horizon apparently, so possibly we may run into C and D down the road if A and B are nopes.

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We signed up

Idk if it is the right move, but GB seemed so happy at the prospect. We’re doing embryo donation via an agency so it’s open and altruistic donation, jives with our feelings on adoption in general.

We are basically good to roll as our home study from the agency here is fine and we had a profile that needed just minimal editing. They have about a 1:1 donor:recipient ratio and the SW seemed pleased by how relaxed we are on the embryos. Any ethnic background is cool with us — apparently that’s not a common stance?

Working on an appt with the fertility clinic to confirm that they would handle this if we’re matched, and that my uterus is still up to snuff.

It would be so weird if this worked after everything we’ve been through.

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I had a weird twisty dream last night with a plot too complex to follow, but at one point, GB and I were lying in a bed with a brand new baby between us. Taking turns sniffing its head and reveling in it.

Thanks, subconscious.

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So.

We’ve been looking into embryo donation/adoption on the DL. I don’t know, I guess there’s nothing wrong with my baby oven (that we know of) other than a polyp seen over a year ago on an SHG. I have reached the point of impatience where I feel like it’s fine to gamble $6K-$8K on a FET.

Finding a match is probably not as hard as waiting for an adoption match. But if we do match, and it does work, then we essentially lose basically all of the $$ we’ve put into adoption. (The only part we wouldn’t have to pay again if we wanted to go back to waiting after eight months post-partum is the workshop. Would need a full application fee, home study, etc. all over again. Ugh.)

And yet -- I do like the greater control in an embryo donation scenario.

I’m super laid back about all of this. Where was this chill version of me two years ago? I’m like, meh, here’s a profile, world. HMU if you want to give us your embryos.

Nearly 40. It’s probably time to get this shit rolling if it’s going to happen, right?

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It’s been a year.

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Grief is so boring. I’m sorry.

Spending a few minutes looking back at our photos and videos from a year ago. I miss him. There’s a missing part of me.

I am deeply, darkly afraid that those nine days will forever be the sum total of my time as a parent.

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Today was one year since they brought him to us. One week from tomorrow will be one year since they took him away again.

I don’t know how to live with this unusual, oddly-shaped grief. I hurt.

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Nothing to report, as usual. The support group had a BBQ but the recent placement were bringing the baby and I have enough trouble mustering happiness for people I know, so I skipped it.

This month will mark one year since the placement-revocation. Lotsa memories. It’s gonna suck.

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One of the support group members just posted on FB that they’ve been matched and their baby is due late July, so that lines up with that first pre-screen situation. I knew it wasn’t for us all along, but damn. That still stings.

They’ve been waiting as long as us, almost exactly. 

I’m just starting to feel so tired and hopeless.