A Blue Christmas Reflection
I would really like to get back to writing, but am finding not much time for it. So while I wanted to do a detailed post on a "blue Christmas", let's just keep it short.
I can completely understand why people get blue around the holidays. There can be many reasons. For me, the last few years I had trouble "getting in the holiday spirit" because of limited funds for Christmas, all while waiting for the next episode of medical procedures for Kerri. This Christmas, of course, is the first without her. In some sense, there is relief as there are no more trips to the ER, no more chemotherapy, radiation oncology, and a list of other things that would likely horrify those who have not gone through the experience of metastasized cancer. But this Christmas, while we have many friends and family that we plan on celebrating with (and we will celebrate!), there will be an empty chair. Rather than a feeling of waiting for the next crisis to happen, this Christmas feels hollow knowing Kerri will not be celebrating with us.
I find my life in the last few years was lived between two realities: the reality of suffering, and the reality of "the world which is to come", as John Bunyan has said. I find by being honest with myself about my feelings, and not stuffing them deep down, I have found a deeper appreciation for Christmas, and especially the Advent season. I find that having gone through great loss, and giving myself permission to grieve, the emotions during Christmastide and Epiphany are just as strong but in a positive way, since Christ's birth and appearance in the world bring great hope.
For instance, in the Revised Common Lectionary, the readings in the Old Testament (such as Isaiah 61) mention situations in which Israel was crying out to God and acknowledging their need for deliverance. Advent shows us our need for God, in the midst of pain and suffering. In order for Advent to become meaningful, in my opinion, one cannot push past the unpleasant thoughts too quickly. For instance, reflect upon the words of "O Come, O Come Emmanuel", and see how the song writer portrays in a somber tone waiting and expectation.
There are really not great answers to why bad things happen. No matter which way I look at things theologically, there are always more questions and issues. If simple answers work for you, that's great, but not for me. I struggle to answer the kids when they ask "why did mommy have to die?" I do know, that Advent makes me desire the day when there is no possibility of having the hard conversations, such as telling the kids that mommy doesn't have long to live. Advent allows me to hope that one day, the vocabulary such as "monoclonal antibody", "code status", and other such phrases are not part of our language anymore. Until that time, it is enough for me to wade through the difficulty knowing that "In Him, all things hold together" (Col 1:17)
Here's Margaret Becker's rendition of O Come, O Come Emmanuel:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h-Mpf5nEFO0#t=0m58s
I pray that if you are hurting or struggling this Christmas season, this was of some encouragement to you.











