EXPECTATIONS
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@shoutoutintothedigitalvoid
I worry that these two months will pass and he'll come back and I still won't be over him.... I worry that I'll lose interest in love.. In finding a partner.. I worry I won't find the one who I am sure about from day 1. The one who gets my kind of love.... This whole thing is distracting me from my professional life...
I can't stop crying... I cry at the drop of a hat these days... I don't when I'll stop crying over him... It's funny he doesn't know how much I have cried over him... If I did would he realize what he had come to mean for me...
So this is what heartbreak feels like.... How could he not see my love for him.. I mean could he not detect it in my tone... My laughter...i mean talking to someone everyday... I couldn't imagine that... And it happened and he couldn't see what it meant for me.
tbh the more time you spend around open, wild bodies of water like rivers, lakes and seas the more you begin to understand why pretty much every culture in the world has a similar eerie, hypnotically beautiful yet terrifying temptress figure who lures people into the depths to drown them and/or eat them in its folklore representing the seductive call of the water. it really is just like that.
no piece of teen media has ever accurately depicted the quiet psychological warfare of bullying. bullies on TV are always dumb brutes and not the evil geniuses of emotional manipulation that they are in real life. being given a wedgie and having your lunch money stolen is nothing in comparison to a classmate quietly creating a taboo against speaking to you that they intend to enforce against all the other kids. it’s nothing like continuous cutting comments from people you thought were being nice to you. that way that the work of one kid can make you feel like every person on earth silently hates you and that you are dirty, disgusting, worthless, creepy and useless. that you can have friends but many of them will not speak to you at school for fear of the social consequences on their end. how that damage lasts in any social setting for the rest of your life
you can’t even “tell a trusted adult” because you cannot begin to articulate the thousands of small transgressions you’ve experienced building to the horror of knowing your peers would like you dead. they don’t have to say it or hurt you physically. they have other ways of letting you know they’d prefer if you were worn fuel
okay tumblr’s exclusion from the twitter social media ban list is hilarious but genuinely we do not belong on there. if a real human person asks “where can i find you on social media” and your choice is a swift death or revealing your tumblr, most of us would simply expire. half of y’all change urls every week like you’re in witness protection. just imagine for one second attaching your wholeass government name to your latest two am clownposting and tell me that didn’t send a cold chill down your spine. the only place i ever want to see the words “connect with me on tumblr!” is on the ao3 profile of an author i’m actively stalking. anyone in the world can follow me except anyone i personally know. antisocial media.
ok but life is too short to even really care. i am embracing shamelessness until shame does not exist in my dictionary at all
was talking to my professor today & she was telling me abt how we all mostly get like 70 years & we need to make the best of it. she mentioned how dwelling on something wastes days, and in the big picture these days matter so much. it was genuinely so nice to hear; a confirmation that the urgency to live withstands getting older. if anything, the older you grow, the clearer it is to see that life is short as hell & every day should be lived like it’s your last
she was also talking about managing your expectations with people & being prepared to be let down—not cynically, but rather more in line w defensive pessimism. & she also mentioned being proactive w building relationships & brushing it off if someone does not reciprocate the energy you give. idk. it took a weight off my chest. it was very “live and let live” & i think that’s what i need. to manage my expectations while i myself try my best to evolve and grow into someone better than i was the day before. to know where to put my energy & who deserves my energy in the first place
i think the best advice she gave me today is her saying, “at the end of the day, you need to realize the only person you can change is you.” i think that’s so powerful. i will probably hold that close to me for a long time
Hey barbie, I'm glad you're back! ❤️
What would be advice you give to a woman in her 20's?
(I’m here for a bit. Thank you, darling.💛)
1) Relax. Very few mistakes in life are truly life ending or life altering.
2) Learn to recognize the signs of burnout. Then learn to recognize your own signs of burnout. You’re probably more stressed than you think you are. Burnout is sneaky, it’s manipulative, it’s calamitous, and it manifests in everyone differently. My best friend didn’t recognize her burnout because she took on more at work rather than avoiding it, because she was chasing her need to be useful. I rarely am able to use physical symptoms as signs of burnout because I have what Victorian doctors would call a “delicate constitution”. It’s not one size fits all.
3) Along the same vein, keep your mind and body in order.
3a.) Your health encompasses many things. Mental, physical, and spiritual. You will feel depleted if any of these spheres are neglected. Take mental health days, but don’t just lie around. Keep your mind and spirit active.
3b.) Go to the doctor. Go to the dentist. Go to the OB/GYN. Do not put them off for literally any reason, unless you are in dire straits and cannot afford to go. If you need to prioritize one, pick the dentist. Oftentimes, your mouth, teeth, and gums can tell the whole story of your health.
4) If you’re in a male-dominated field, come to peace with the fact that you are the only person you will be able to trust at work. It may be exhausting, and that’s why you need to have a strong community that supports you wholeheartedly.
5) Your friendships and community are very, very valuable. Treat them as such.
6) Along those lines; if/when your female friends have a baby, be there for them. Support them. Don’t abandon them. We rarely discuss how isolating motherhood/parenthood is until it’s far too late. People don’t forget how you treat them in their most vulnerable moments.
7) (I’m a hypocrite for this). Take your PTO. Seriously. Companies allow you to carry over about 30 seconds of vacation time a year. Take all of your time off. The machine ran without you before, it will run without you now. (We’re all replaceable). Take your PTO.
8) Resentment and contempt are the relationship killers. If you resent someone, or have contempt for them, you don’t respect them, and there’s no way to fix that without therapy.
9) Get a therapist!
10) Jealousy is normal, in moderation. We’re only human. If it is causing you to feel destructive or completely controlling you, you need to seek help. If you’re in a relationship, jealousy should not be a subject that you argue about for days, or something that stays on your mind on and on. It’s normal! But it should not eat at your mind all the time.
11) Open your mouth and speak. No one can read your mind, no one is going to spend their lives breaking down cement walls. Speak. Your voice is valuable. Speak your mind, speak your peace, speak your truth. Even if your voice gets stuck in your throat, you need to speak.
I think so much of the outlook over fandom would change if many people treated it like it is: a goddamn hobby.
A fandom group is no better nor more revolutionary than a knitting club. It can replicate any real world biases and discriminations and it can also be used to raise money/group people towards causes. It can foster connections that will turn to actual real political action or it can just be a gathering of people who don't know much about each other outside of it.
It can be lovely to experience when you're surrounded by a lovely group and it can be hell when the group is full of cattiness and pettiness . It can be inclusive or it can be exclusive when you're surrounded by bigotry.
Because it's a group of people - it's going to have problems. And when there's a conflict or people are pointing shit out, it needs to be solved so its members aren't spit out in the sake of "avoiding drama". Because it's a group of people, it's not automatically changing the world in a blaze of self grandeur. Because it's a group of people with a common hobby, it can impact its members lives for the better and give them a space to express themselves.
Fandom is a goddamn knitting club. It's not this inherent great, subversive force of good nor this den of evil that's traumatisizing the children. Chill out.
When I had my last autism assessment session last month, part of it was done so the clinician could learn: how do I interact in a very informal conversation setting? and at the end when she was sharing my results she said to me, "it felt like the conversation had to be on your terms".
I've been thinking about all the times Young-woo says that she lives in her own world, that it's hard for her to think of others. "Other people live in a world made up of me and you, but I'm used to living in a world of just me." "All of my thoughts tend to center around me, so I make people close to me lonely."
She doesn't just say it. We are shown how her dad feels lonely, how Jun-ho eventually tells her to check with him before hanging up the phone, how people want to tell her things but she's not there to hear it.
I don't naturally make conversation in the same way non-autistic people do. Even when I'm trying to let the other person say their part of the conversation, I'll ask too many questions about one part, or forget to ask follow-up questions, or keep bringing the topic back to the thing I'm interested in. After a conversation is over I realize there might have been something the other person wanted to say, that I never let them say. I wonder if I make them lonely.
I was curious what Jun-ho was going to say to Young-woo, because I could see that she does make him lonely at times. I don't know what I expected. But for him to say that he loves her enough to be with her, even during the times she makes him lonely...
We see that she loves people, and thinks of them, and does want to be with them. She looks for Jun-ho in the lobby at work. She goes to see Myung-soek at the hospital before his surgery. She eats with her best friend at Hairy's after work.
I very much love the people who spend time with me, even if conversations we have are often "on my terms".
Sometimes I consume some media that I just know in my heart has some deeper meaning but I just feel like I’m not poetic enough to understand it and I just wish I had someone cleverer than me on hand to explain to me all of these beautiful and sad things
maybe a mildly hot take but i think everyone should be well acquainted w rejection. my goal is to put myself in as many situations as possible, even w the knowledge in mind that it might end w me rejected in some form. bc not caring about that leads to so much growth, & the more exposed you are to something, the more desensitized you are to it. i wanna reach a point where i don’t give even the slightest fuck about rejection at ALL bc i know that it had nothing to do w me personally. things just don’t work out sometimes
this is not grounds to start doing inappropriate things you know will lead to you being rejected btw. but it is grounds to start doing things you’re otherwise too scared of doing, for the sole reason you’re afraid of rejection. missing less & less opportunities the more & more you do
CPR in Action
Effective compressions create an artificial pump and send oxygenated blood to the brain to keep the brain alive. CPR also keeps blood and oxygen moving through the heart muscle itself so that it has the best chance of being successfully defibrillated when the Automated External Defibrillator (AED) arrives. Pushing at a rate of 100 to 120 compressions per minute is necessary to keep blood pumping.
After a Sudden Cardiac Arrest, brain damage will start to set in within 4 minutes and is irreversible after 10 minutes. CPR is the person’s only chance of survival while waiting for an AED to arrive.
If ribs break that is okay. What is not okay is allowing the brain to die from a lack of oxygen. So remember you are their only hope, do the best you can and don’t give up until medical help arrives or an AED is present. You can do it.
Source: Action First Aid
I think people would make much better decisions when it comes to dating if they stopped focusing on things like weddings and babies and instead focused on things like funerals and disappointment. What I mean is when I think about who I want to marry, I can’t just stop at who I want to meet at the altar. Because when you’re thinking about the person you want to spend your natural life with, that means the person who will be by your side when life is hard. When your parents die. When you lose your job. When your child is hurt. When bill can’t get paid. And when all of those painful moments come, you have to think “is this the person i want by my side? Is this the person who will be generous and giving when I’m in need? Is this the person who will find the words to soothe my aching heart? Is this the person that when I look across the room through tearful eyes, I want to, need to see their face?”
What I’m saying is when you’re thinking till death do us part, you really have to listen to the whole vow. The commitment is more than just walking down the isle. Its who you want to walk through life with.
“I used to dislike being sensitive. I thought it made me weak. But take away that single trait, and you take away the very essence of who I am. You take away my conscience, my ability to empathize, my intuition, my creativity, my deep appreciation for the little things, my vivid inner life, my deep awareness of others’ pain, and my passion for it all.”
— Unknown
today i come to your ask box to commit emotional violence.
Today I was thinking about BaekDo, as i usually do. Specifically the part in the Beach Episode where Yijin is recording the sound of the waves and Heedo joins along and they’re sharing the headphones. The bgm and all the noise from the others playing in the sea fades out, its this rare moment of just peace and quiet. Obviously there is the usual elcetrifying BaekDo chemistry. Yijin leans in to whisper and Heedo assumes otherwise for a split second.
You know the scene.
I found it interesting that the waves were literally right there but when we hear the recording it sounds so… mesmerizing. Today i realized: maybe those special, beautiful things in life are usually right there. But they only seem beautiful when we take the time to capture it, distill it out of the noise, look back at it. Usually by then its all gone.
I can list tons of other objects that piece this story together. Heedo’s diary. The trinkets in her room that represent her colorful youth. Yijin’s Broadcast Club tapes. The phone with Yurim’s sticker. The slippers. Heedo’s photo. THAT GODDAMN PENCIL BOX 😭. The video of The Interview.
We dont know what story we are living in until its ashes are in our hands.
GRRRR I HATE YOU (i love you)
i know the scene ofc it’s not like it just replays in my head like on loop during the day pfft ig i’m mildly familiar with it.
i love how you interpreted that scene. every element was there but until they singled it out you couldn’t tell or rather you didn’t. it’s baekdo core, you never know what you have until you don’t anymore.
okay the last line completely ruined me i am furious. that is the entire show. like the passage of time in the show kills me, the passage of time anywhere kills me. my favorite and least favorite theme ever. so there are massive time jumps from older na hee do and teenage na hee do and young adult na hee do but they don’t all hit us the same purposefully. genuinely the costuming team was amazing because there were all these small little changes along the way like the missing scrunchie, the continuous color theme for ya na hee do with the school uniform, the bright pastel youthful colors and then bam. funeral scene you see na hee do wearing professional dark colored clothing for the first time. and even though kim taeri was the same age during filming i saw na hee do as older. and then you realize adult na hee do we’ve seen had always worn clothing in that color palette. it’s just oh my god so much time has passed. the crew paid so much attention to every single detail truly crazy and inspiring.
and the way the characters knew but some didn’t like we know now. na hee do tells ko yu rim that nothing lasts forever even though she tells us the during her youth she dared to believe everything lasted forever. byj says perhaps we are standing in the center of our youths when they were actually nearing the end. the way the group went from found family to seeing eachother during funerals. just they did but also didn’t know that their time together, their youth was limited. but the password scene got me, the final nail in the coffin. the goddamn pencil box literally. the show is just like “savor what you have now because it will be ripped away from you” comfort show asdksks. okay the song slipping through my fingers is peak 25 21-Sometimes I wish that I could freeze the picture/And save it from the funny tricks of time. i am totally normal about getting older and time and this show. so very normal not breaking down.
Review: Twenty-Five Twenty-One
Year: 2022 Country: Korea Platform: Netflix
Twenty-five Twenty One is a coming of age drama elevated by a stellar cast and a thoughtful, moving script to stand out within its genre. Disclaimer, though, I may be biased as I am smack dab in the center of the target demographic of this show’s nostalgia pull. I’m the same age as Kim Tae Ri’s character, Na Hee Do, with a daughter only a year or so younger than hers. That fact definitely colors my perception of the show. But, I feel, also gives me insight on what it is setting out to do and a clear perspective on how successful I feel it was.
In the vein of the Reply series, the show centers on youth’s coming of age in the late 90s and early 00s. The show spans roughly from the IMF crisis in South Korea through the United States attacks of 9/11. The focus is on the transition from teenager to adult within the context of a sports drama.
Kim Tae Ri plays Na Hee Do; her and her rival Go Yu Rim are international level fencers. The show lovingly sprawls through relationships with parents, friends, the struggle of self-discovery, finding one’s path in the world, starting a career and, of course as any KDrama worth its salt, first love.
What sets this drama apart - in my opinion - is what makes it controversial and will potentially render it unpalatable to others and it also cannot be easily discussed without show-ending spoilers. So if you don’t want those, you can go ahead and skip the rest of the review knowing I heartily loved and recommend this drama for its solid writing and acting (Nam Joo Hyuk, as ever, reminding me of why I have such a soft spot for his characters and their awkward charm).
~spoilers past this point~
A common trope in the Romance-heavy drama landscape is the idea of The One. It is not enough for our OTP to meet, fall in love, and be together. No, they must also be fated, destined to meet since childhood, mystically connected all their lives. It is a useful short-hand, a way of confirming to the viewer that once the drama is over and done, the viewer gone, these two are going to remain together in perpetuity (which is often why sequels or continuations is placed where they’re more common are awkward). Fate has declared it so,
To be clear, I have no problem with this trope. It is just one of many in a storyteller’s toolbox: dependent on execution for its success.
However, over the course of life, a person can have many loves, many important relationships. Longevity is not the sole marker or a relationship’s success or value. So it is refreshing to have a show that acknowledges and explores that. A romantic love can be deeply important, powerful and essential to a certain person at a certain time in their life and then ultimately fall apart. The fact that it ended does not render the relationship’s place in a person’s life meaningless and doesn’t have to be torn down because someone eventually has a different life partner.
The show takes pains to show early on and continuously in the flash fowards that Hee Do is not with Yi Jin. He is not the father of her child and she only knows about what’s going on with him in passing. I am sure some may have anticipated a last minute fake out, putting everything right so our lovers can rid off into the sunset, but there is no such moment, nor even the hint of one. The last scene is not a mystical meet-cute. The focus is fully on Hee Do reflecting on the beauty and ephemeral nature of the past.
The relationship is permanently left in the past of Hee Do’s journals and memories. This, for me, renders the entire story all the more poignant, overlaying it with a Romanticism of youth.
I found the ultimate dissolution of the main relationship heartbreaking because it was so understandable and believable. It is not enough to care about someone, to be in love. Relationships require communication skills and cultivation, things that come with experience. It is why first, young love rarely works out. Especially in the late teens/early 20s which is a transitionally period for many people. It is a time of internal growth and self-discovery which is important and not always conducive to building a relationship. (Of course relationships from this age can work out, but it is nice to see them *not* working out and still be important)
As watchers, it is frustrating because we can see what the characters need to do to solve their problems. But the characterization of each lead is so strong we understand why these solutions aren’t possible or readily discovered by either of them.
And so, we are left on this gem-like reflection on the past. It is unclear if current day Hee Do is happy; there is a melancholy to Kim So Hyun’s portrayal of the older Hee Do. And we never see her partner to know how that relationship is. But I find that ambiguity fitting. This show is ultimately about youth, and in ones 20s the future is wholly uncertain.
