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oncelerfucker69-deactivated2019

weatherreporter

cornerof5thandvermouth

lalottered-deactivated20191217

I am honestly crying all my tears out from laughing at this.

Oh and also, why did Sarah write she was 100 years old?

capacity

Bec she is, and wise enough to prove it

farcryfromhere-moved

roger-smith-official-deactivate

do you think though that it has a head but not a shaft?

freedricksanchez

Day 545: Rick is NOT in prison.

Keep reading

freedricksanchez

We did it guys, hes free

We did it America

- Mod Mr Meeseeks

charlesoberonn

The comments on McDonald’s “Mulan” Commercial (1998)

galllfrey

Not so fast Morty 🏃🏻 you heard your mom 🙎🏼 we’ve got adventures 🔥 to go on Morty 😱😩👌 Just you 🤦🏻‍♂️🔫 and me 👨‍🔬🔫 and sometimes your sister 💁📱 and sometimes your mom 👩🏼‍⚕️🐎 but ‼️ NEVER ✋ your 😤 dad! 🤷🏻‍♂️❌😷 You wanna 🙈 know why Morty? 🙊💯 Because he CROSSED me 😡🙅‍♂️ Oh 😵 it gets darker Morty 😎🌚 Welcome 👽 to the 😭 darkest 😈 year of our 👨‍👦adventures 🙏😫 First 1️⃣ thing that’s 👩‍🎤 different ⁉️ No more dad Morty 🆒 He threatened 👀👎 to turn me in 🙋‍♂️👮 to the government 😓🙄 so I made him 🤤🐀 and the government 💩 go away 🖕 I repla😖ced them both 🌜🌛as the 😈 defacto 🤡 patriarch 👴🏻 of your family 👨‍👧‍👦and 😲 your universe 😱🌌🙌 Your mom 🐎 wouldn’t have 👋 accepted 🤝 me 🙄 if I came home 🏡 without you 👦🏻 and your sister 👱‍♀️ so now you know 🎓 the real 💯 reason 🌟 I rescued ⛑ you 👍 I JUST 💅🏼 TOOK OVER 🔝😵 THE FAMILY 👨‍👧‍👦 MORTY 🙍🏻‍♂️ And 👀 if you tell 🗣 your mom or sister 👩🏼‍⚕️💁 I said any of this 🙊 I’ll deny it 🙅‍♂️😤 And 😏 they’ll take my side 💕😌👫 because I’m a 🕺 hero 🏅🏆 Morty 😂🤣 And now 👊 you’re gonna have to do 🤹🏻‍♂️🐒 whatever I say 😝 Morty 😥 Forever 🕐🕔🕤🕙💀 And I’ll go out 🚶🏼 and find 🔭 some more 🙀 of that 👅 Mulan 🥋🎎 Szechuan 🐉🏮Teriyaki 😫💦 dipping sauce 🔥👌🙏 Morty 💦💦💦🙌 Because that’s 👉 what this 🎉 is all about Morty 🍗 That’s my 1️⃣ one ☝️ arm 🤳 man 🕺 I’m not ❌ driven 🚘 by avenging ✊🏻 my dead 💀 family 😭👨‍👩‍👧 Morty 💧 That 🤣 was 🙉 FAKE ✨ I’m 👨‍🔬 driven 💨 by finding 👀 that 😩 McNugget 🤘 🍟 Sauce 💦 I want 😱 that 😳 Mulan 🐉🥋 McNugget 🤡 Sauce 🍆💦Morty 😭 That’s 💪🏼 my series 🎬 arc 🌈 Morty 👑 If it takes ❤️ 9 ❤️ seasons ❤️ I WANT 😫 MY 👏 MCNUGGET 🍗🍟 DIPPING SAUCE 💦SZECHUAN 🔥 SAUCE MORTY 😡😵 IT’S 🤤 GONNA 🤸‍♀️TAKE 🚀 US 🙆🏻‍♂️👴🏻 ALL THE WAY 💫 TO 👉 THE 👉 END MORTY 🏁 9️⃣ MORE 💰 SEASONS 🤖 MORTY 💎 9️⃣ MORE SEASONS 🙌 UNTIL I GET 🎁 THAT 😍 DIPPING ‼️🔥 SZECHUAN 🎎 SAUCE 🍆💦😩 FOR 9️⃣7️⃣ MORE YEARS ⌛️🕰 MORTY 💀 I 👏 WANT 👏 THAT 👏 MCNUGGET 👏 SAUCE 👏 MORTY 👏

me: please for the love of god let me concentrate

my shit brain: taaaaake ooooon meeee, TAKE ON ME, TAAAAKE MEEE OOOOOON

carnival-phantasm

cungadero

@leopirate

samurottinhell

andthenyourealizethat

basiiciinstiinct

Blue Mountain State S3 E11 - Death Penalty

aeioutiamo-deactivated20191206

Conspiracy theories keep coming true and I’m starting to regret laughing at Alex Jones

milknationalism-deactivated2017

howdy

i feel like everyone should know this

lysenkoite

Lifehack: Accuse your teacher of warcrimes to get out of minor punishments

towel-pisser-nationalism

The teacher keeps us after the bell in flagrant contravention of Geneva treaties. According to Protocol I, the Geneva Convention no longer applies to this conflict so I clusterbomb the school with VX nerve gas and hoot and holler out of the building while a bunch of vomiting bloodshot-eyed losers try to tell me I went too far.

academiemelusine

pern-dragon

Campaign Action At CPAC this week Stephen Bannon, the Chief Advisor and intellectual heft behind the Twittering infant that sits in the Oval Office, provided a little glimpse of the future he has planned for all of us. In the clearest explanation...