When Hotaruko had said all that it seemed he was going to say on that matter, all Toshiaki could do was sigh. It wasn’t a sigh of annoyance, it was more of a sigh of exasperation.
“I underestimated everyone by assuming that they would be much easier to win over than they apparently were. Chihiro didn’t have any trouble gaining their sympathy, and her murder was definitely no accident. I thought that I would be able to get more people on my side, but perhaps I was mistaken- or maybe I just messed up earlier on and didn’t see it. Could be both. I wouldn’t doubt it. And I suppose I overestimated you by thinking that you might…dislike me now as much as all of them do.” As much as he was clearly trying to see me like he didn’t care, he still couldn’t help but flinch saying the word “dislike”. Ugh.
Fuck you Toshiaki I hate writing your dialogue hsut the fuck up.
To know that Hotaruko had been faking it just as much as Toshiaki had was…almost comforting, in a sense. However it just served to remind him of what he’d known all along, that you really can’t trust anybody. Not even the kinds of people who seem like open books.
“I’m a liar. You’re a liar. And there’s no way that we’re the only ones. It’s not that I don’t want to trust people, I wish that I could. But I can’t. Because people aren’t trustworthy, especially not in situations where their lives are at stake like this. Where anyone would throw anyone else under the bus to save their own skin, because they would, and you know they would, we both almost did. Emotions are better left bottled up. Secrets are better left kept.”
Once he was done with that bullshit, he smiled right back at Hotaruko. Clearly fake, again.
“But honesty- who needs it? It’ll fuck us all over in the end. So I’ll accept that you’re trying to be my friend here, Ko. I’ll appreciate it. I’m grateful for it. But do you really think that it’s something I deserve?”
Hotaruko smiled, though it wasn’t out of happiness, rather it was out of sympathy for the boy in front of him. A laugh filled with every emotion except happiness escaped his lips as he shook his head. He really wasn’t getting it, was he...?
“They’re not stupid. They would have caught on. Maybe, you overestimated yourself...? Yet, at the same time, you underestimated yourself. I’m a...strange person, I guess. I really can’t bring myself to ever really truly dislike someone. Well, except my previous neighbors but...they’re a different story. It doesn’t take a genius to see you don’t like being disliked. Why would I leave you to somethin’ that scares you so much, Toshiaki? You’re just....a liar. That’s nothin’ new to the world. I do see why they might...not like you at first but you just have to give them time. Time heals wounds and these will just take longer than others to heal but they’ll come around. I know they will.”
He pursed his lips in annoyance and glared at Toshiaki, “You’re just bein’ fuckin’ stubborn now. If you think you can’t trust people, you have to work at trustin’ them. Start with little things like tellin’ them your favorite color or somethin’ small. ‘Least, in your case I think that’s a little thing...Then, just gradually trust them with bigger things. It’s not somethin’ that happens overnight and you have to work for it. Some people may betray you but that’s part of learnin’ ‘bout life! It would have been a lot better for you if you learned that before gettin’ dragged here because look where you ended up! Yeah, I trusted people and got killed too but, and I’m sorry for being blunt here, at least I have more than one person who is alive that I know can stand the sight of me! Look where keepin’ emotions bottled up and secrets kept got you and me. Dead. Not a very good point for your cause, Toshiaki. Wake up and smell the roses, you were wrong in not trustin’ anyone!” He had crossed his arms at this point and had his eyes flashing with sincerity.
“Stop with your fake smiles, Toshiaki. Don’t insult me by usin’ them. I don’t play fake with you anymore and to prove that, I’m gonna tell you a secret about my real personality and to prove that you do deserve it. Everyone does. Um, don’t hate me for this, okay?” He took a breath and blushed a bit in embarrassment, “I-I really, really hate bugs. And snakes. And spiders. Basically anythin’ that can crawl on you without you knowin’ or that slithers around you and just.....Ugh, I hate’em.” He shivers slightly at the mention of some of his biggest fears. Right now, Toshiaki didn’t need to know his biggest right now.