It had been nearly a week since Hitagi had disappeared from her assigned dormitory room. It had been nearly two months since she'd withdrawn from anything more the sporadic social activity. Her Monomessenger lay dormant, occasionally receiving mass messages or - like today - an anonymous message. Nothing but that broke the silence that she'd surrounded herself with. No one came to speak with her. For all intents and purposes, Hitagi Senjougahara was more a talking point between people she once knew - something to be brought up, mentioned, and then just as quickly forgotten for other more interesting topics. Perhaps it was better this way. No longer did the young woman have the energy to speak to people or pretend that she was interested in their conversations. Slender fingers brushed against the glass surface of the Monomessenger. An indigo gaze watched it gleam to life beneath her touch. And yet no message revealed itself to her. Nothing since that strange one she'd received earlier. Two simple words.
More than anything, Hitagi wanted it to be him. Her chest ached at the thought of the male whom she'd pinned all her hopes on. The only one who'd ever been able to endure her constant verbal berating and various physical attacks. The only person Hitagi had ever trusted with her secret. Apollo Justice. He'd disappeared out of the blue one day, prompting what Hitagi could only refer to as a temper tantrum. No reason was given. No indication of where he was going or when he'd be back. She just woke up one morning and he wasn't there any longer. Of course she hadn't taken it well. Who would have? Her eyes never ripped from her phone, as if willing another message. One that, perhaps, had his name on it. The teen knew she was getting her hopes up. That whatever she'd done was unforgivable. That she'd driven him away somehow. That much, at least, was certain. Hitagi waited until the screen faded and eventually went black before heaving a deep sigh. Still nothing.
In her time of need, only one person chose to support her: Izaya Orihara. And, for awhile, it felt good to belong to part of his group. It was nice to give in to the cold comfort that came with lacking emotions. It felt good to fast-talk men into being interested in her and then dropping them at the next turn. It was even - and Hitagi grimaced as she considered this fact - fun for her. It was something she was good at, perhaps even unmatched. But it didn't make her happy. She took no joy out of getting their hopes up and crushing them. At first, she'd been elated to watch that same painful look slip into their gaze that she once had. Like a child throwing a tantrum, Hitagi cut a path through men's hearts and burned bridge after bridge all in the name of revenge. But revenge against who? People who were happier than her? Yes, perhaps, in a sense. She couldn't stand to see people smile when it felt as if her very soul had been torn to shreds. But the fact of that matter was that Hitagi was most angry with herself. She was the one who'd ruined everything. Hitagi could have been nicer, kinder, more...something. Instead, she'd bullied him. If Apollo was out there and dead, it was because she was the one who'd driven him away.
Nothing broke the stillness of that abandoned dormitory room. Eventually, Hitagi heaved a deep breath and clicked the lock on the door so that she was sure she wouldn't get any unwelcome visitors. Then, slowly, she removed her clothes. Folding them neatly on the bed, the female padded barefoot across the room and into the bathroom. It took less than a minute for the water in the shower to warm up. Stepping into it, Hitagi took a deep breath and tilted her face up to meet it. Yes, all of this had been her fault. She had no friends left at Hope's Peak Academy any longer. Even Izaya was nothing more than a working relationship at best. No, that wasn't true. They merely left each other alone. After all, she'd hardly ever heeded his words. Shampooing her hair, the teen her back on the water to let it wash out. In the beginning, she'd wanted nothing less than solitude. Some way for her to maintain her secret in safety. However, now that she had it...
Now that she had it, she hated it.
Hitagi Senjougahara had never been a particularly 'good' person. She wasn't the type to leap to the defense of others. Instead, she was selfish. Everything was always, always about her. Perhaps this made her more apt to hang around with Izaya's group. Perhaps she was better off antagonizing the others in the school rather than trying to help them. Gripping a bar of soap in her hands, Hitagi scrubbed at her skin. She couldn't deny that she had a knack for getting what she wanted. It had always been like that for her. But did she really want to continue living like this? Making people hate her, making people shun her? Hitagi scrubbed at her skin harder - clenching her jaw as she did so. No, she didn't. She didn't want to antagonize anyone any longer. Nor did she have any burning desire to smile and pretend everything would be okay. No, all Hitagi wished was to spend the rest of her days in the school alone. Well, perhaps not completely alone.
When all was said and done, she wanted to help everyone get out. Of course, she would always remain in the school. There was nothing left to live for. Nothing beyond the walls of the school, nothing inside them. Some might have called this despair - Hitagi called it a reality. Everyone else had things in their lives that motivated them to get out of their bed each day. Beyond that, everyone had someone: a friend, a family member, a lover. Hitagi remained isolated. Lifting her arm to the curtain of water, the teen rinsed off the soap with a sigh. Perhaps she could help them somehow. Find out who the person was that trapped them behind closed doors and force that person to release anyone who wished to walk free. Of course, it was all wishful thinking. Hitagi could never play the hero again, not like she had before when Apollo was around. She lacked the ability to raise herself up to some higher calling. Her motivations were base. She sought out the essentials: warmth, food, water, air, and comfort. But even someone as base as her could do something to help.
Turning off the water, Hitagi stood in the bathtub until it drained away. Stood into the water dripping along her skin began to slow. Stood until her body shivered from cold. Even someone like her could help in some small way. She'd never be anything matching Minato, Panne, or the others. But she could do small things. Stop murders, maybe, or even protect people from them. No one would cry over the cold body of the twisted girl who tried to goad everyone into hating her, after all. And so, Hitagi pulled back the curtain and stared at her reflection in the mirror.
And in that one moment, she felt as if she'd been reborn.
