Shut Up Jenny.

"It's the thought, that counts" Almost 30. Christian. Blogging is my therapy. Completely Random. Bluntly Honest. Insomniac, Who Drinks Too Much Coffee. Dark and twisty. Getting closer to figuring out who I am.

[shutup-jenny]

[shutup-jenny]

The weight,

The pressure of your void,

Suddenly hits me.

A heart wrenching,

devastating blow.

The pain and grief feels fresh like the instant I knew you were really gone, for real this time.

The aching and constant longing for one more second of you begins to engulf me.

But, if I hold on…

The weight,

The pressure of your void,

Will pass.

I will make it threw

Another day without you.

Jk

[shutup-jenny]

Inadequate appears when you feel most confident.

Takes control of the wheel and steers you into a brick wall, suddenly like whiplash it reminds you of all of your shortcomings. It whispers in your ear sweet terrors that will keep you up at night. Too dumb, too short, too slow, too fast, too shy, too loud, too much, not enough.

Inadequacy rebuilds the walls and ideas you worked so long to tear down and unlearn. Inadequacy reminds you, you are different, you do not belong.

It demands you takes back seat insisting it is where you’ll feel safe. Your secret will be revealed if you dare try and lead. It is capable of engulfing your self-esteem leaving behind ashes of who you once were.

Inadequacy is always along for the ride even if no one invited it. It will linger long after the party has ended. Constantly reminding you, you will never be enough for it.

-Jk

[shutup-jenny]

3 years 11 months

Today I realized why I felt like not doing anything all weekend its the 3 yr 11 month mark which is usually harder thean others. </3 miss you mom.

[shutup-jenny]

3 years later

3 years have come and gone and the memories of you hits me in waves. I was in the middle of class and I almost lost it because I was thinking of you. Or when I was in the car thinking of one of our last trips with you while buying my school supplies for college listening to country music. These memories and feeling of complete sadness came in waves this week. I miss you more than I could ever imagine. I remember reading a post 3 years ago explaining how the first year is one of the hardest along with every increasing year because now 3 years later I don’t understand how I have went this long without talking to you. I have no clue how I will go the rest of my life without you. The hardest part is that I have spent 3 years without you. That I will spend the big moments without you like when I graduate from college, get married, get a job, etc. I can’t fathom how I will do that all without you. Even just 3 years without you has been to hard but I am blessed I got you as my mom because you taught me how to be strong. Thank you for making me into the person I am today. I hope your proud.

[shutup-jenny]

Somehow I survived...

I never had the typical life story. My childhood was haunted with bad memories and events that never stopped me and somehow I survived it all.

I remember when I was about 3 years old I was left alone with my baby sister while my mom was out getting milk and my stepfather was no where to be found. I wish I could say that was the most fghtening thing I ever experienced growing up but it just got worse from there. I remember multiple nights around the age of five running to the neighbors for them to call the cops because my step-loser was beating my mom again or chocking her. So I would run out of the house to get help but it never changed the situation it would just happen again so I don’t think the help was helpful. I remember being frightened he was going to kill her but he was the only terror that haunted my childhood. Next came being homeless living out of our car, hotels, once in a while friends house. My next terror came when I was six years old sleeping in a car outside of a church....

[shutup-jenny]

Missing you a little extra this week

The closer it gets to the two year mark the more i miss you. And i also realise the person i am today is a fraction of the person i was before i lost you. But i am getting back some qualities of who i was before you died and some new ones that developed out of over coming the loss of you. Well wish i could tell u all this but i guess this will suffice.

[her-minds-a-mess]

“It just hurts,” she whispered. “What do you mean?” “I mean, you’ll give so much of yourself to a person, and they’ll make you genuinely feel as if they’d do the same.” She looked at the ground. “Except they don’t, they never do. Out every person I’ve ever invested myself into, I’m constantly the one who cares a little more,” she says quietly, “and it hurts.

Excerpt of a book I’ll never write #139 (via her-minds-a-mess)

[shutup-jenny]

Miss you

Almost two year later and i miss you like crazy but i have made inches in getting myself back. I think youd be so proud of the person i became. Thank you for everything

[shutup-jenny]

Little under 2 years ago my mom lost her battle to cancer and i lost myself from the pain of loosing her. Although it still hurts about the same that shes no longer here i finally have friends who make me feel a little less broken and less lost. I finally feel like im becoming myself again. My social anxiety is less frequent. I feel loved. I feel happy for once and it doesnt feel fleeting. Yes i miss my mom beyond belief. But ik she is up there smiling knowing i have people in my life that love and cares about me even though im still fixing my brokenness and still finding who i am. I am currently surrounding myself with people who remind me of you mom and i think thats why im no longer feeling empty. Through them i feel a resemblance of you. I remember my freshman year you telling me not to rush you couldnt see me liking it. If only you knew the girls i have met and how they continue to heal me, fix me, and love me. I know you would like them.

[shutup-jenny]

A year later and, once again, everything has changed.

An excerpt from a book I’ll never write

[shutup-jenny]

I miss you more than usual today. Wish you were here. I love you Mom

[gaytastrophe]

I like rainy days and sunsets. I like the smell of coffee in the morning and the night city lights. I like laying on the ground, watching the stars. I find beauty in the insignificant moments of life.

I hope I never grow tired of the little things in life. (via wrecklesswander)

[myshortnotes]

I didn’t change. I just found myself.

(via myshortnotes)

[hopewillalwaysbestrongerthanfear]

[extramadness]

More quotes here

[shutup-jenny]

I honestly made the best decision this quarter. I dont think ive been this happy since coming to ucsb & losing my mom. Like i actually can see the happiness returning to my eyes. My sniles are genuine. Im actually happy. I am blessed to have met such wonderful people who dont even know how much they are healing me and helping me find myself again. I finally found my place.