Pairing: Eren Jaeger x Mikasa Ackerman
Content: Modern! AU, fluff, angst, best-friends-to-lovers trope
Content Warnings: PTSD, alludes to alcohol
Summary: Childhood best friends Eren and Mikasa go through a series of ups and downs throughout their life, struggling to realize what exactly their relationship is
Notes: Thank you to everyone who helped edit this piece! I really appreciated all the feedback you gave me <3
Theyāve always been told that theyāve been friends since the moment they were born, and it was difficult to argue against it because it really did feel like itās been a lifetime of friendship. There has never been a moment where one isnāt with the other. It had never been just Eren, and it had never been just Mikasa. No matter where they were and when it was, it was always (and always will be) Eren and Mikasa. The girl, Mikasa, even claimed to have known her friend Eren in her life before, and although he'd never admit it in front of anyone but Mikasa (in fear that his older brother would make fun of it), he did too. At 28, their friendship definitely had quite a few ups and downs, but if they learned one thing during their years of being best friends it was that they both wanted one thing more than anything in the world: to be with each other. That was it. It didnāt matter, when, where, with who, or for what reason. Just to be in the presence of one another was enough to make them happy.
27 Years Ago (4 months old)
Eren and Mikasa were born just barely two months apart, so it was no surprise that they wouldnāt even remember meeting as babies. As their parents were good friends, the couples jokingly tried to make their children be friends too, by making sure they saw each other frequently. Mikasa and Erenās moms held their babies across from one another so they could see each other again. It was the first time they officially met, excluding the time the Ackerman family came to visit Carla when she gave birth to Eren. The moment baby Eren had set his big, forest green eyes onto Mikasaās brown ones, he had tried to reach out to her, going as far as untangling himself from the red scarf (a gift given at his baby shower, though because of his size, could not be used as an actual scarf yet) that his mom used to swaddle him. Unfortunately, from his lack of motor skills, the little girl was awoken by Eren's hand. Mikasa shrieked, upset that she was pulled from her sleep. Zeke, Eren's senior by ten years, freaked, immediately apologizing to Mikasa's mom about Eren. "I'm so sorry Auntie! I'm sure Eren didn't mean it. Please don't be mad."
The woman just let out a light-hearted laugh. "It's alright Zeke. Look, Mikasa is fine now. Besides, her and Eren seem to be getting along pretty well," she said as she watched the two babies looking at each other, arms flailing like an octopus's legs in an attempt to reach each other. Mikasa had gotten a hold of an end of Erenās swaddle scarf and was lightly tugging at it, while Eren continued to reach forward until his small hand lightly touched Mikasaās forehead. They were giggling, almost as if they were keeping a secret.
23 Years Ago (5 years old)
It was their first day of first grade. They had been smart enough to go to school a year early. Yes, they. Mikasa refused to start school without Eren, and he refused to go without Mikasa. They were a team, never leaving each otherās side. The teachers were a bit surprised at first when they refused to sit with different people, but they soon got the message. Many actually found it quite cute. Eren had many girls crushing on him (yes, he was a very cute boy, and eventually grew up to be a handsome man). Although the girls didnāt completely understand their emotions at that age, they refused to believe that the cute boy prefered Mikasa over all of them. This of course was bad for Mikasa since it led her to having enemies from a young age. Even if she didnāt need total protection from them, she still had Eren to help. He was, however, useless when his own fangirls chased him around the playground. Though he always proudly claimed "As if I would even think of hitting a girl,ā Mikasa was there to help him out when they chased him.
Not even a week in, Eren had met a boy named Armin-- a short and shy young blonde, who always seemed to be in the little library corner of the classroom. He was as smart as Misaka and Eren, if not smarter, therefore he also started a year early. The older boys were constantly making fun of Armin for his short stature, yet what caught Erenās eyes the most was how no matter the power difference, Armin did not seem to back down. Even as the bullies picked and teased at him, he held his head high.
When Eren approached one day to ask why, Armin would simply state āI havenāt lost yet if I refuse to back down.ā And it was that bravery, even in the most dire of situations, that had Eren grinning.
Hands on his hips, he announced, āmy name is Eren, but you probably already knew that. And that girl over there,ā Eren paused to point at Mikasa, who was watching from across the room to make sure Eren wasnāt getting himself into trouble, āis Mikasa. Letās all be friends. Mikasa! Cāmere! This is Armin and heās super cool and smart.ā After gesturing her over, he turns back to Armin with a grin on his face. āMikasa is super cool too. Sheās smart like you, and really strong. Sheās my best friend, and Iāve known her my entire life. I just know weāll all get along,ā he said happily while readjusting his scarf.
And right he was, for that was the beginning of the trioās epic friendship.
21 Years Ago (7 years old)
He took her hand, and led her to his horse. Just like how the leaves were swept away by the wind, so were they. If you watched, youād see the horse getting smaller and smaller as they rode farther away. But maybe, if you listened, you would hear the princessās and princeās joyful laughter- a truly happy ever after ending for them.
āNo, no, no, no!ā Thatās not what happened in my dream! If I remember correctly, we lived in a castle!ā Eren exclaimed. He didnāt know where Mikasa got that dream before.
āWell, Iām just telling you what I saw in my dream. Maybe youāre the one with bad memory,ā she snapped back, a frown on her face as she lightly tugged on the red scarf he always kept around his neck.
For the past couple months, they had been dreaming of being together in a number of lives. They often fought about them in front of Armin, constantly asking him which one of the two dreamt the right dream. Poor Armin. Luckily, the boy had a knack for reading any and every book he could find, and he decided to do something about it before the fight could escalate again.
āMaybe you two remembered different parts of your old life, and maybe even different lives. You never know, you could have been a prince or princess more than once,ā he proposed.
Mikasaās brows quirk in confusion. āYou think so?ā she asked.
Eren, on the other hand, fully trusted the other boy, knowing just how smart he was from all the reading heās done. Grinning, he proudly stated,āDonāt doubt Armin, Mikasa. Heās super smart. I bet heās right with just about everything.ā
āReally?ā the girl excitedly asked. āWait, so Armin, do you know how babies are made?ā
Eren: āOf course he does! He read it in a book and told me. A stork plucks a baby from a pond and delivers it at night.ā
19 Years Ago (9 years old)
āWe were super cool ninjas with powers! Like Naruto!ā Eren exclaimed, jumping, kicking, and punching the air as if he was fighting an imaginary person. His red scarf danced and swayed along with him as he energetically moved around. He briefly paused to glance at Mikasa, excited to see her reaction, when he saw her expression. It had his previously bright, green eyes dulling into a light grey color. Furrowing his eyebrows, he asked, āYou okay Mikasa?ā
She sat there, a worried look on her face. āEren, will my mom be okay?ā Even though she was young, she knew something went wrong when her mom had her. Her mom was always happy, yet sad when talking about Misaka's birth. She overheard one night from her parents that having Mikasa was very difficult for them, let alone having another child.
This question always broke his heart- no matter how many times heās heard it. He stared at her for a moment before slowly walking to her, unwrapping his scarf off his neck. He stopped right in front of her-- her head right below his chin-- before taking his scarf in two hands and wrapping it around her neck instead. Finishing up the last loop, he messily placed the last few inches on top of her head before taking a seat next to her on the couch.
āI donāt know Mikasa. I donāt know. But youāre going to be okay, I promise.ā
Eren had said āyouāreā not āitās,ā and she couldn't be more thankful. The little boy could not promise that everything would be okay, but he could promise that she would. Why? Because she still had a home. Because he was there. And he always would be.
āIām right here. And if you ever need more comfort, whenever and wherever we are, Iāll just wrap that scarf around you again,ā he stated confidently. He hugged Mikasa, who in turn hugged him back before they laid down facing each other.
āYouāll really do it? Youāll wrap the scarf around me just like you did in the dream I told you I had last night? That oneās my favorite dream-- but I like all of our other dreams too. Promise me weāll always talk about them. No matter how old we are, weāll still tell them to each other, okay? Promise me,ā Mikasa prompted as she rested her hand in between them.
It was no surprise when Eren gave her a small smile while stating āPromise,ā before reaching out with his hand to interlock his fingers with Mikasaās.
18 Years Ago (10 years old)
At ten years old, Eren was starting to believe what the other boys in his grade were saying about girls. At first, he tried to fight back and ignore their stupid antics, but he hated the fact that people thought Mikasa was stronger than him. He didnāt want her protection; he wanted to protect her.
āWhy does she always speak for you, anyway?ā one of them would ask.
āSheās a girl; shouldnāt you be stronger?ā another would add.
āDonāt forget that girls have cooties.ā
āSheās just plain scary too.ā
Eren could feel his cheeks heat up at the comments, and if the boys were paying close attention, they wouldāve seen his eyes turn a stormy grey. Whether it was from embarrassment of being below Mikasa, or anger of someone daring to badmouth her, he didnāt know.
āDonāt say that about Mikasa. Girls should be strong, and thereās nothing wrong with not being quiet and dainty,ā he loudly proclaimed. But while his heart was burning to continue defending Mikasa, a part of him couldnāt help but hate the situation he was in. Why was Mikasa always the one to protect him, and why did it bother him so much?
Weeks had passed, and Mikasa noticed how Eren seemed to be avoiding her. Was it what everyone was saying about them? Or was it something else? The only other thing she could think of was when she gave him a nice punch (a well-deserved punch at that) for being an idiot and getting into trouble again. Because of him, they both had to stay in the classroom writing apology letters during recess-- itās not like she was going to let him fight those bullies alone. But he couldnāt be THAT mad at her, could he? The jerk sort of deserved it. It broke her. But, Mikasa being Mikasa, she decided to confront him today.
āEren, why are you ignoring me? Are you okay? Did something happen?ā she asked.
āIām not ignoring you, okay? Why canāt you just let me be and do my own thing. Youāre not my mom, and I'm not your kid brother. I donāt need you around all the time, and I definitely donāt always need your help.ā Eren spat, irritated.
Just as he was about to leave, Mikasa spoke again. āSo youāre saying that Iām not important.ā
Eren, caught off guard, froze. āNo! I never--ā
āYouāre saying that those other boys, your other friends, are more important than me and that what they think matters more than me.ā Mikasa clarified, tears starting to swell up in her eyes.
Gears were turning in Erenās head, realizing what heād almost done to their friendship-- what heād almost done to Mikasa, his Mikasa, his best friend. He could feel his anger subside, and Mikasa saw his grey eyes slowly brighten to green. āIām sorry. I didnāt mean it that way. Why donāt you come over today? We can play tag and hide and seekā¦ Or I could even play with the dolls you made. You made one of me, right? Just the two of us. I promise this wonāt happen again.ā
āGood. I like Auntie Carlaās cooking. Weāre walking home from school together, okay? Like old times,ā she simply stated before walking away. She was not going to take any chances of Eren saying no. Of course, Mikasa expected his previous response. As much as Eren had been avoiding her, she truly trusted him to always come back. He always did. She could bet her life (and heart) on it.
17 Years Ago (11 years old)
Lunch was going well for the first day of 6th grade. It was an odd transition from eating with classmates in their grade level to being able to eat with just about anyone that attended their school. Eren, Mikasa, and Armin were finishing up their lunch when they heard a voice.
āYour long black hair isā¦ really beautiful, by the way,ā a boy with ash-brown hair shyly says to Mikasa. His blush was evident on his light skin and he could barely look at the girl. His name was Jean Kirstein, a new classmate of the trioās; and he annoyed Eren to no end. Who did this guy think he was? It was their first year at South Paradis Junior High-- there were so many other elementary schools that fed into here that it was unlikely that theyād know all their classmates. And yet, this boy was already coming straight up to Mikasa and complimenting her hair. Mikasa was a rare beauty and Erenās best friend; she deserved the best and only the very best. He wasnāt going to let some horse face of a boy take a chance with her.
Armin noticed Erenās frown and how his eyes were a dark grey. He honestly considered teasing him: āOf course youād be the petty, jealous type.ā Thatās all he had to say. It was fairly easy, and Armin was quite sure that voicing that thought would have Eren in a stuttering mess trying to deny it all. Heād probably be so busy denying it that he wouldāve spent more time arguing with Armin than acting on his jealousy. Though against his better judgement, Armin kept his mouth shut, allowing Eren to speak up.
āMikasa,ā Eren said softly as he grabbed a piece of her hair, āarenāt you trying out for the martial arts team? You should cut your hair. You could get into an accident.ā Eren didnāt even bother glancing at Jean; he opted for keeping his gaze on Mikasa as he waited for an answer.
āYeahā¦ youāre right. I should probably cut it,ā she stated as she absentmindedly grabs the same strand Eren was holding, their fingers grazing one another in the process. Eren would never admit it, but his fingers burned right where his and Mikasaās briefly touched. The physical contact didnāt last long, but he could still feel the warmth she emulated when he went to bed that night. He didnāt know why, though.
13 Years Ago (15 years old)
It wasnāt until sophomore year of high school that Eren realized just why he felt that way-- why he always had the urge to protect Mikasa to the point that her being stronger than him made him angry, why he was always hit with an overwhelming feeling of jealousy whenever Jean was anywhere near her, why his skin started burning at her slightest touch. It wasnāt until sophomore year of high school that Eren realized just why he started to look at his best friend a little differently, why she always lingered in his thoughts a bit longer and a bit more than everyone else.
He was, unfortunately, stupid enough to make homecoming plans without Mikasa. Last year, the two of them and Armin had all gone together, but Armin was finally going with Annie this year. It was of the utmost obviousness that those two had something going ever since she transferred to their school in 7th grade. Annie was a quiet girl who usually kept to herself, maybe occasionally speaking with Bertholdt and Reiner since they transferred from the same school. But otherwise, it seemed as if only Armin was able to break through her shell. It was honestly quite ironic how Eren and Mikasa often teased Armin for his incapability to express his feelings, when he couldāve easily pointed out theirs. The ache in his heart when Annie was away --the way he constantly missed her and wished she was around-- was no different from what Eren and Mikasa secretly told Armin when they were apart. How could Eren and Mikasa not know?
āHistoria asked me to homecoming,ā Eren had told Mikasa one night after they both respectively finished martial arts and baseball practice. He could see the small glare she gave him, as she stared at him for what felt like hours without saying a word.
āOkay, then just ask her out.ā Mikasa didnāt even try to hide her annoyance.
āItās not like that. I donāt-- Thereās nothing-- Weāre not like that. I think sheās just pretty bummed that Ymir moved and needs a friend. You know she doesnāt have that many ācause her dadās been sheltering her. You can come with. I told her that I was planning on going with you,ā Eren replied. Itās not like he wanted Mikasa to feel left out or unimportant. One of his friends needed his help, and he would never-- could never-- turn his back on a friend. They were the most important people in the world to him, almost on the same level as his parents, Armin, and Mikasa. Of course he would be there if one of them ever needed a hand.
And it was because Mikasa knew him so well that she tried to control herself. Mikasa wanted to argue-- wanted to tell Eren that there were plenty of other people Historia couldāve asked. She had Sasha, Connie, and Jean too. She couldāve even asked her. Why did it have to be specifically Eren? She was jealous, she acknowledged that, because all she ever wanted was to be near Eren. The thought of him belonging to some other girl hurt so badly. For him to have another home besides her, for her to not be able to call him her home-- she didnāt know if she wanted to even be alive if that were to happen. Eren was everything to her. But another part of her just wanted to let it be. If Eren was happy, and as his best friend, shouldnāt she be happy for him too? All she ever wanted was to be near him. Romantic relationship or not, she already had that. Eren cared about her and Armin more than anyone in the world; she has everything sheās asked for. Shouldnāt that be enough?
āNo, itās ok. You donāt need to explain. She needs a friend, and I think you should go. Jean and I were talking in class today. He actually offered for us to join their group because Sasha and Connie wanted to do a whole extravagant group meetup, with pictures and food and everything. Iāll just tag along with them,ā her lips drew into a straight line in an attempt to smile. She knew Eren well enough to know that he knew --that she knew-- that he knew that it was most definitely not okay. But to her dismay, neither acknowledged the elephant in the room nor the growing tension between them.
Eren didnāt want to. He was too busy feeling the blood rushing through his ears at the mention of Jean asking Mikasa out. There was only one other time he remembered feeling this jealous-- it had been all that time ago, when they first met Jean back in 6th grade. The horse face had told Mikasa her long, black hair was beautiful, and while Eren agreed, it pissed him off to no end that someone other than him was looking at Mikasa. Of course, it was no surprise that many boys and girls were looking at her-- she was beautiful and strong and everything that a woman should be. But having random people look at her didnāt compare to the jealousy he felt when it came to Jean. Eren wanted Mikasa all to himself. But what right did he have to whine and complain when he was the one to bring up taking Historia to the dance? Jealousy was an ugly feeling, and he hated how accustomed he had gotten to feeling it. Stupid Jean, stupid world, stupid homecoming, stupid him. Oh how he hated himself more than ever for putting himself in that situation. All he ever wanted was to be with Mikasa, and here he was doing the opposite-- here he was starting a small rift between them. One stupid statement, and he already felt far, far away from home.
12 Years Ago (16 years old)
It was concerning, really, how months later, Eren and Mikasa still couldnāt address the divide between them. While the two often got into small arguments before, they were usually solved within a week, if not immediately. This was the first time that it ever lasted more than a few days, if this could even be considered an argument. They were talking, but something felt off-- both of them could feel it. Mikasa didnāt want to push boundaries. Eren was still her friend; he was safe and nearby, so could she really complain? As for Eren, he could feel the ache of Mikasaās absence run deeper than his heart. It made him sick in a way he couldnāt completely describeā like he was homesick or something.
While he saw her everyday at school, she often paired up with Armin or Jean instead. While he ate lunch with her at the same table as their friend group, she usually spent her time listening to Sasha ramble on and on about meat and food and the so-called cute senior in her culinary class named Niccolo. Even when he was sitting right next to her in the driverās seat as he dropped her home after practice, their conversations ran shallow. He missed their inside jokes and their talks about their dreams. For months, heād been wanting to tell her his recurring dream of one of their past lives. How every night, his sleep would send him to the peaceful mountains of Switzerland, where he lived in a tiny cottage with her. They were alone-- isolated from society-- and they often needed to fish, hunt, and gather their own food, but they were together. They were together and they were happy, and God help him, thatās all he ever wanted.
He wondered that of the many other dreams sheās had of what they presumed to be their past lives, if she saw that same dream too. He hoped so. He hoped that when he was away, she felt that same ache too. He hoped that in the same way no one could ever replace her in his heart, no one would ever replace him in hers. Call him selfish, but he wanted Mikasa all to himself-- wanted to be the only person that would ever claim her heart. He didnāt want anyone-- not Jean, not even Armin-- to have Mikasa. So why was he letting her slip through his fingers?
It wasnāt until months later, near the end of summer, that the two finally resolved whatever issue was going on. With school out, Historia rarely saw anybody outside her friends, and even then, she was only really comfortable around Eren-- only he knew the pain of missing someone. Historia knew he was suffering. He never told her-- never really told anyone except Armin-- how he felt about Mikasa, but Historia could see the longing in his eyes whenever he gazed at Mikasa and the sadness they held whenever he talked about her. And it was for this reason that she refused to leave Eren alone. He needed a friend, and so did she. There was no way sheād abandon him-- no way she would abandon anyone in need.
Over summer, the two started volunteering at homeless shelters and orphanages. Theyād occasionally invite the whole group over: Sasha, Connie, Jean, Mikasa, Arminā¦ There were days that the seven of them would volunteer during the day and go out for dinner in the evening to catch up. But the amount of time that the group met up was nothing in comparison to the amount of time Historia and Eren spent together. It was evident in the way they talked at their group outings, and it didnāt help with the growing tension between Eren and Mikasa either.
Seeing them together, seeing them so happy-- seeing Eren so happy without her-- had Mikasa feeling things. Was she missing something-- a component or aspect that maybe was pushing Eren away from her? Or was she too overbearing? What did Historia have that she didnāt? There must be a reason why Eren seemed to be wanting to spend more time with the other girl as opposed to her. She missed seeing Erenās smile and his happy, green eyes. She was both angry and hurt, and while she knew she had no right to speak, for she was Erenās best friend, not his lover, she could only take so much before snapping.
She hadnāt meant to say it; at least, not out loud and most definitely not in front of Eren, but her jealousy got the better of her. Historia and Eren were once again telling the group about some project they went on the other week to help orphans in a different country. They were laughing and reminiscing about the troubles they went through during their time there when Mikasa spoke.
āWe get it. You guys had a great time,ā her voice dripping with disdain as she glared at Historia. It wasnāt until Mikasa noticed everyone staring at her that she realized the rudeness of what she had said. Hesitantly, she said āSorry. Iāve, uhh, Iāve had a rough fewā¦ months. Iām just gonna go,ā before hastily leaving the table.
āWait!ā Historia called after her.
āWe havenāt even ordered anything yet, arenāt you hungry?ā Jean added.
She ignored them both, though, and opted to continue walking out of the restaurant, even as the others tried to call out after her.
Armin used that distraction to nudge Erenās side. āEren,ā he whispered sternly, grinding his teeth together. āItās now or never. Donāt let it get worse. Are you really going to let her go?ā
And it was because Armin knew both Mikasa AND Eren so well that he didnāt doubt that it was all he needed to say to get the guy moving. Not even a second later, Eren was scrambling off his chair and past his friends as he hurriedly followed Mikasa.
āMikasa! Mikasa, wait. What was that? Whatās wrong?ā he asked. One of his hands was gripping her arm and holding her in place. He had tugged at it lightly so that Mikasa was slightly facing him, and his eyes desperately searched hers for an answer.
āNothing,ā she stated, trying (but failing) to keep her composure. Itās not like she could come out and say āOh, Iām jealous of Historia. I hate how she spends a lot of time with you because I secretly love you, Eren.ā She could barely admit that fact herself, let alone confess it to someone else.
Eren stared at her in wait, desperately wanting to know what they had and where they stood. Anyone watching couldāve easily seen it in his eyes. āPlease,ā he begged when she remained stubbornly quiet. āPlease tell me whatās wrong. Donāt you miss the way things used to be? Whatās happened between us?ā
āHistoria and I are just friends! I already told you that, back during homecoming. Why did we drift apart just because of that? Why did it seem like you werenāt interested in talking to me anymore? Why did we stop hanging out everyday?ā Eren urged Mikasa to answer. He was already fighting back tears, when one question that had been nagging at him the past few months made its way out his mouth. āWhy did we stop talking about our dreams?! Didnāt we always promise to talk about them? Have you given up on a useless idiot like me?ā
Seeing Eren cry stopped Mikasa in her tracks. She stopped trying to get her arm out of Erenās grip and settled for looking at him straight in the eyes, near tears herself. āEren,ā she says with soft urgency. It was only then, when he felt her sad gaze on him and lack of resistance against his grip, did Eren completely let go of Mikasa. She grabbed both his shoulders, giving him the slightest shake. āDonāt say that about yourself. Please. Youāre not a useless idiot. Itās just-- Iā¦ really missed you. Iām sorry. I know you told me that you and Historia were just friends, but I didnāt like how jealous I felt. I wanted you only by my side, because itās always been Mikasa and Eren, and Eren and Mikasa, and seeing you with someone else-- Iā¦ I donāt know. I guess, Iām not used to having to be apart from you. More than anything in the world, all I want is to be near you. When you kept visiting Historia and spending the summer with her, it just felt like you didnāt need me around anymore, or that you maybe didnāt want me around,ā Mikasa confessed, her blush evident.
If Eren heard her correctly, then maybe she was feeling the same ache that heād been feeling. Maybe, just maybe, she did love him the way that he loved her-- not as a sibling nor a best friend, but something more. He raised both his hands to grab her face, never breaking eye contact.
She could see how his previously gray eyes had started shifting over to green. Mikasa lifted her hands to hold onto his wrists needing to stabilize herself, as she felt like she would faint at any moment with the way Eren was holding her. Since when did his touch start making her knees so weak? And since when did his gaze start making her self-conscious and nervous?
āMikasa,ā Eren whispered, closing his eyes. He didnāt think heād have the courage to look at her when their faces were close-- so close that their foreheads were nearly touching and he could feel the warmth of her shaky breaths on his face. āIāll always want you with me,ā he whispered softly as he tried to lean in. He wanted to kiss her-- wanted to know what itād feel like to have her lips on his-- but what if he was wrong about his assumptions? What if Mikasa didnāt feel the same ache in her heart as he did? What if he was just like family to her and nothing more? If he kissed her and he was wrong, itād for sure ruin their friendship, and the rift between them that they were currently trying to heal would be damaged for good.
He was too busy worrying about all that to realize that Mikasa, too, wanted to kiss him. He didnāt even realize the slight tilt up of her head nor the way her fingers lightly squeezed his wrists before she stopped in realization that he wasnāt actually going to kiss her. Neither of them wanted to make the first move in fear of ruining what they had-- whatever it was. And so instead, Eren went limp and rested his forehead against hers, eyes still closed, and Mikasa did the same. They didnāt move until Mikasaās stomach growled.
āI knew you were hungry. Itās 7 oāclock and you usually eat an early brunch,ā Eren laughed.
āEren, your eating habits are worse than mine. Youāre probably hungrier than me. Letās go back inside,ā Mikasa snapped back with a smile.
Things felt normal again and both were the happiest theyāve been in months. Their friendship was okay. Romantic relationship or not, they were still Eren and Mikasa, and Mikasa and Eren-- they were still each other's best friend. They were together, and to them, thatās all that ever mattered in the world. They were home.
10 Years Ago (18 years old)
Many moments from the next few years were filled with awkward silence or slight tension, ones caused by the fight they had at 16. It was like the rift never fully healed, and that made it much easier to get into small fights. Maybe it was because much of the problem itself never went away. The arguments grew from insecurities and miscommunication; they were two teenagers stupidly in love, yet too scared to say anything. Regardless, it was Eren and Mikasa, and so the fights never lasted too long.
It was the last weeks of summer before the two had to go off to college, and unlike two summers ago, Eren made sure that they were making every last moment count. From getting ice cream to hiking at nearby state parks, Eren came up with plans to hangout every single day. He had to, especially because theyād be spending the next four years apart. Both were originally going to Purdue University, along with quite a few of their friends. Eren was going for aviation, Mikasa for elementary education, Armin for political science with a minor in oceanography, and Jean for business.
Unfortunately, times were cruel and news channels were filled with stories of a possible onslaught of World War III. It seemed surreal, but the growing tensions across many countries of the world had many people worrying if it was actually possible. Eren, in particular, found it interesting enough to change his mind about college. He still wanted to fly-- wanted to know the feeling of freedom-- but first and foremost, he felt a strong duty to protect his country because itās where the people he loved lived. If the possibility of an oncoming World War III was true, Eren wanted to be prepared. He still hadnāt brought it up to Mikasa or Armin, his decision being so last minute.
He had spent countless nights contemplating on whether he should go or not. If he entered the military, heād be signing his life away for four years. Thatās four years of not being able to always see Mikasa, assuming heād be able to hide it from her. He just had to keep his decision a secret long enough for Mikasa to not be able to follow him in. Eren knew that she wouldnāt hesitate to drop everything if it meant being able to be with and protect him, but if Eren cared about her the way he claims he does, shouldnāt he be protecting her too? They should be equals, not whatever this was. Just this once, he wanted to be the one protecting, even if it meant being apart from her.
And so, thatās how he came to the decision the night before Decision Day to enter the military as opposed to Purdue. It broke his heart and worried him to no end that for the next four years, heād be far away from Mikasa-- far away from home. What if something happened while he was gone? Something bad, and he wasnāt there to help her through it? Sure, Jean and Armin would be there, and Mikasa would surely meet other people too. But would they be able to be there for her in the way she deserved? He knew Mikasa better than anyone else, even Armin, so could anyone really live up to his expectations of what he wanted for Mikasa? All these questions ran through his head as he drove Mikasa back home from the Great Smoky Mountains National Park, another one of the trips he planned.
Mikasa, not one to not notice Erenās changes in behavior, glanced over at the driverās seat, wondering why Eren suddenly got quiet. āEren?ā
At the sound of her voice, Eren was immediately pulled out of his thoughts. But one look at her, and he was filled with sorrow again. Soon, heād have to leave her and itād be another four years or so before they would be able to return to the old days, if going back to the old days was even possible. For all he knew, this could be the very last time theyād talk to each other like this again. These last few days could be the very last time that Eren and Mikasa, and Mikasa and Eren are a thing. He wanted to make the most out of it-- whatever time he had left. āMikasa,ā he stated before pulling over to the side of the road. He wanted to be sure he could clearly see her face, without any distractions. āLet's get out of here,ā he continued, looking her in the eye.
She stared at him, observed his movements, the color of his eyes. They were a mix of green and gray, much lighter than his usual forest green eyes that signaled his happiness, but not exactly the stormy grey eyes he had when he was angry or sad either. It confused her, because in the rare times that she didnāt know what he was feeling, his eye color usually gave it away. But this time, itās like he was both happy and sad. āWhat do you mean?ā
Eren was practically quivering in fear that sheād be angry or reject what he was about to offer. But he kept reminding himself that these last few days would be the last time heād see her in a long while. Theyād be apart for the first time since they were born, and he wasnāt sure how either of them would be able to handle it. He looked away to gather his nerves before turning back around and taking a deep breath.
āDonāt be mad with what Iām about to say. Please.ā Eren waited for her nod before continuing. āThe night before decision day, I actually decided I was going to be joining the military-- the army. And before you even think of telling me youāll join too, donāt. You needed to decide by decision day, so thereās no point in joining now if weāre going to be in different regiments. Iām sorry I didnāt tell you. I just wanted to do this to protect everyone, while not influencing any of your decisions to pursue your dreamsā¦ā he paused again, waiting for Mikasaās reaction.
The girl wanted to scold him for making such a hasty and dangerous decision. She didnāt know where to begin. The military was a four-year commitment, which meant that theyād be apart for four years. Would she be able to handle that? They had never been apart for anywhere near that long. And what if the military changes him? Even if he didnāt get deployed, heād still have to go through basic training and the like. She had heard stories of how the military, even just camp, changed people. What if some part of him never comes back from that? Would he still be her Eren-- the same Eren?
āMikasa, stop thinking about it. Letās justā¦ enjoy what time we have left of summer break, okay? I told you this because I was hoping youād say yes to what Iām about to ask you. For the last few days of summer, letās go to Switzerland, in Crans-Montana-- in between the mountains where we went on that band trip junior year. Remember how Armin and I climbed the balcony on the third story of the building, just so we could spend the night talking about the most random things? We stayed up till sunrise and nearly got caught staying together in the same bedroom,ā he chuckled. āLetās go there again. Just the two of us. Mikasa, come with me. It wouldnāt be home with you.ā
Mikasa, who was shocked and deep in thought, could only manage to give him a small smile before taking the opportunity to reach over the console and grab one of Erenās hands. āOne condition: you wrap this scarf around me one last time, okay?ā
6 Years Ago (22 years old)
āHey Mikasa, have you heard from Eren? I donāt think Iāve received any letters from him in a while,ā Armin said.
Their usual group was having a meet-up at their favorite restaurant, a celebration for finishing finals; theyād be graduating in less than a monthās time. And yet, there was a sort of sad or empty feeling to the group, as Eren wouldnāt be home for another 6 months or so. He had to finish his military contract, and there was no way for him to visit at the moment due to his most recent deployment.
āNo, I havenāt; the last letter was from a few weeks ago. I think heās busy. Last I heard, he was deployed somewhere in the Middle East,ā Mikasa replied softly.
āHave you told him already?ā asked Jean. He gently placed his arms across her shoulders from his seat next to her.
Even from across the table, Armin could see the ring glistening on his finger. He had read somewhere that only about 7% of men actually wore engagement rings; he wasnāt surprised that Jean was of that percentage. It matched the diamond on Mikasaās hands that were resting on the table. Armin didnāt know how to feel about the entire thing. Mikasa did genuinely look happy, and she deserved every bit of it. So did Jean, especially after all that heād done for Mikasa when Eren wasnāt able to be there for her. It wasnāt really in his place to judgeā what did he know about love? It had taken him years to spend time with Annie, and even then, it took many more awkward conversations and longing glances for them to establish the bond between them. So maybe it did make sense for Mikasa to accept Jeanās proposal. While everyone felt Erenās absence, he was sure that he and Mikasa felt it the most.
Jean was always there to comfort Mikasa, even when Armin couldnāt. He never overstepped his boundaries, knowing that it was improper to make a move on someone whose heart belonged to someone else, but as the time between Erenās letters lengthened, the more Jean found himself attending events with Mikasa, or being left alone to study for classes together since Armin wanted surprise Annie, until one day she started smiling at him almost the same way as she did to Eren. A part of him initially wondered if Mikasa really did love him, or if she just appreciated his presence. But those doubts didnāt last long because it just wasnāt like Mikasa to do something like that.
Mikasa was glad that he did believe her when she said she loved him, because she did. Jean was kind and funny; he was hardworking, empathetic, and an amazing leader. She saw how he treated his peers and subordinates with respect and often put himself in their place to make sure they received the best treatment. He also smiled at her in this certain way. She couldnāt describe it, but it made her heart flutter. She loved having him around because he was one of the only people that filled the void of Erenās absence. She loved when he would pull out a chair for her on lunch and dinner dates, when he brought her breakfast at her dorm in the mornings, and when he helped her put on her jacket even when she didnāt need help. She loved him-- Jean; she really did. But she also knew a part of her would never really let go of Eren, not completely.
āNo, I havenāt,ā Mikasa stated hesitantly. āI thought he should find out in person, especially since itād be awkward for me to ask him to be my maid of honor when heās not even a girl,ā earning snickers from Sasha and Connie, who were also seated with them.
āWait, so you guys have been engaged for months now, and Eren still doesnāt know?ā Annie asked, her voice blunt.
Armin lightly kicked Annieās foot under the table. āAnnie,ā he softly warned. The two stared at each other as Jean attempted to break the awkward atmosphere.
āNo, itās all good. We wrote to him saying that we started dating, but I guess weāre waiting to tell him about the engagement. Heās on Mikasaās side after all. He deserves to hear it from her, whenever sheās ready.ā
It wasnāt until Annie and Armin were on their way home from lunch did Annie dare to speak again. āCorrect me if Iām wrong,ā she started. āBut Jeanās just in denial that Mikasa is prolonging the engagement because a part of her will never stop loving Eren,ā she tells Armin
āI donāt think heās in denialā¦ Just that, a part of him-- well, a part of all of us-- know that Eren will always have a place in Mikasaās heart. It doesnāt mean she wonāt move on with her life. Though, I will admit that I think Jean deserves someone who will love him completely.ā Armin said. And though Annie remained silent, he knew her well enough to see the slight hesitation in her actions, as if she was contemplating on whether or not she should say something. āErenās always been adventurous, wanting to explore the world rather than stay here; heās always been a small distance from Mikasa and me, no matter how close we try to be to him. I think--ā he paused, trying to process his thoughts into words. āI think that he just needs time to understand what she means to him. They both do.ā
1 Year Ago (27 years old)
The wait for Erenās return came by slowly, and the way he took the news of Mikasa and Jeanās engagement was quite anti-climactic. Everyone in their friend group expected more, but he was just blank and glaze-eyed for what seemed like months after he returned home. Even years later, not much of his behavior changed. The military had not been what he expected. He went in excited to serve his country-- determined to protect his people and loved ones, no matter the sacrifices he had to make. But the horrors that awaited him were beyond anything he could imagine.
Everytime he closed his eyes, he could hear bombs, screaming, and gunshots, along with the sights of blood and blurred vision. Heād somewhat grown accustomed to it, at least on the outside. He no longer jolted at the slightest touch or immediately stood alert at loud noises. Unfortunately, he still felt far, far away. There were times when he didnāt feel like he was safe or at home, but in fear of worrying Mikasa and the others, he opted for staring blankly at his surroundings.
He could practically hear his mom nagging in his ear āHow many times did I tell you to NOT join? Did I not tell you that the army isnāt worth it?ā
Eren almost agreed. Almost. Because while a selfish part of him wished he stayed with Mikasa, he couldnāt exactly regret leaving. Yes, more than anything in the world, he wanted to be with her; It had been his dream when he was younger, and still was his dream now. But how could he compare his happiness to the lives of millions, or more importantly, his friends?
He hoped his unhappiness didnāt show too much-- hoped that his friends wouldnāt see how his jaw clenched in anger at the thought of not being able to be with Mikasa the way he was in his dreams.
But they did, at least, Armin and Mikasa did. They noticed because this new Eren, so emotionless and easily irritated, wasnāt him. It broke their hearts to see him so different. It broke Mikasaās heart to see the caring and determined boy she grew up with-- the one that would do anything for his family and friends-- was justā¦ gone. Her heart ached because she had waited so long, waited 4 years to see him again, only for it to seem like he never even came back. She wanted nothing more than to be able to hug him, ask him what the matter was, and tell him everything was going to be okay because she was there-- the same way he always did when she was out of it. She wanted to tell him she lov--. No, she couldnāt do that, because it wouldnāt be fair to Jean. It wouldnāt be fair to Jean who always cared about her well-being when Eren was gone, who never overstepped when he sensed something going on between her and Eren. It just wasnāt right for her to be saying any of that last part to Eren.
Not that it would change anything. It was like he was always angry. And whenever someone asked, heād just rudely brush them off. Which is how Eren and Mikasa got into this position: as if the past few years have not already been filled with awkward glances and underlying tension, Eren and Mikasa were, once again, fighting.
Eren could only bite his cheek while shaking his head, āThatās just the thing, Mikasa. You donāt understand. You would never be able to, and youāve just really been pissing me off lately. God, I hate you.ā
āNo, no you donāt. I know you, Eren,ā she insisted softly.
He hated how it didnāt phase Mikasa, as if she was expecting him to say that or that his opinion didnāt matter to her. But while this was so, he hated even more her unwillingness to give up on him. Why wouldnāt she just let go. He doesnāt deserve any type of kidness-- not after abandoning her for some stupid dream in the military, not after letting some other man claim her, not after all the awful things he had to do while he was in the Middle East. He didnāt deserve any kindness from Mikasa-- he didnāt deserve her.
And yet, he was angry that Jean was with her, because even after everything Eren had done, he still wanted Mikasa to be his. He wasnāt mad at her-- God no, he could never be mad at her-- but he was mad at the entire situation and all his conflicting emotions.
His anger got the better of him, of course, and he continued speaking. āDonāt you think your life is so pitiful? I might be fucked up in the head, but at least Iām not stuck in a long engagement, working a regular 9-5 schedule like some robot whoās following orders. I actually have some interesting things going on in my life,ā Eren sneered. He internally cringed at the harshness of his words when he saw Miaksa recoil. He hit her where it hurt, he was sure. Good. Maybe if she hated him, itād be easier for him to move on with his life without her beside him.
It took Mikasa a second to recollect herself. She honestly wanted to cry, but with the way Eren had just treated her, she did not want to give him the satisfaction of it. āOkay,ā she tried to calmly say. āYou clearly donāt want me around, so Iām just going to go,ā she stood up from the table they sat at before walking away. Maybe Eren was too far gone-- too far changed after his military service-- too bitter at how life turned out for him. She deserved better, right? It was okay to walk away after what just happened. Slowly taking off her red scarf --the scarf he had given her so many years ago when they were just 9 years old-- she didnāt dare to look back. It was too bad she didnāt-- if she did, she mightāve caught Eren shedding a tear before quickly wiping it away.
Present Day (28 years old)
āMikasa, we need to talk,ā Jean stated firmly. It had been months since Eren and Mikasaās big fight, and while everyone in their friend group knew something happened, no one was actually sure what exactly went down. Years of being Eren and Mikasaās friends taught them to stay out of it. Theyād solve it eventually-- they loved each other too much to stay apart forever. Which is the thought that solidified Jeanās decision to do what he was about to do. āI think we should break our engagement,ā Jean announced slowly and quietly, as if it pained him to say it-- it probably did.
Mikasa reached out to grab his hand, āJean--ā she started before pausing.
Jean outstretched his hand in a gesture to let him continue.
āIāve thought about it a lot. There is no doubt in my mind that you do love me. I know that. But I also know that youāll never love me in the same way you love Eren. Even after everything, you still have his scarf. Mikasa, love like what you guys have-- it doesnāt happen often. Donāt let him go,ā Jeanās voice cracked at his own advice.
Mikasa couldnāt deny it-- she could only stare at him sadly while apologizing. What for? She didnāt know. Maybe for leading him on? Or not loving him as much as Jean deserved?
āHey, itās okay. I love you. I want you to be happy, and if that means letting you go, then I will learn to live with it,ā Jean gave her a small smile.
It made Mikasa want to cry. She probably hurt him a lot, with him always knowing he wouldnāt live up to Eren, and yet here he was, being understanding, a gentleman. He was letting her go. āThank you,ā she whispered before she gently kissed his cheek.
And before Jean knew it, she was gone. Just like that. Everything seemed to run by in a blur that he hadnāt even realized how much time had gone. One second, he was watching Miaksa leave, and the next, he was sandwiched between Connie and Sasha at a bar. He had a drink in his hand that he didnāt even remember buying. Had he been drinking?
āYo, you seem out of it, man,ā Connie stated while hooking his arm around Jean. It earned him a nudge from Sasha, who muttered something about letting Jean wallow in his despair a little longer. He had just let Mikasa go after all-- someone who heād loved for over a decade. āUhh what I meant to say was, I hope you know that you deserve someone who will love you with all their heart, and all of their mind, body, and soul. Someday, you will find someone who makes you happy, then youāll forget just how much this hurts,ā Connie says, him and Sasha rubbing Jeanās back in comfort.
Mikasa was never one to back down from confrontation, so even she found it surprising when a week later, she still hadnāt talked to Eren. Itās not that she didnāt want to, but rather, didnāt know how. Luckily, Eren was impulsive as ever, and so everything seemed to fall back into place when he showed up at her doorstep one day.
āHey,ā he says with a short breath, as if he was trying to hide his exhaustion from running or whatever extraneous activity he was doing beforehand.
āHi,ā Mikasa replies, looking at his disheveled hair and the sweat-stained neckline of his shirt. Did he rush over here?
āI heard from Jeanā¦ about ummā¦ about what happened,ā he pauses, seeming to take a moment to gather his thoughts. āIām sorry for all the trouble I caused you-- what Iāve been causing you. But I just wanted to tell you this before I lose my courage: Iāve uhh Iāve been having this dream for a while, practically forever. Of all our dreams, our past lives-- presumably, at least-- this one is my favorite. We were together in Switzerland, in this small cabin. There were trees everywhere and mountains in sight. Nothing ever really happened, exceptā¦ normal everyday things. We hunted, fished, gathered woodā¦ it was simple, but I was really, really really happy. I was happy because I was home with you. Those nights and my memories of that dream kept me going, even during my hardest times.ā He notices how she was slowly registering what he said, so he gives it one last push. āWhat Iām trying to say is--ā
āI know, sorry it took me a second,ā Mikasa lightly laughs. āWhy did you come back?ā she dares to ask. It was a little awkward, like they havenāt been friends for the past 28 years.
Eren could only smile before grabbing her hands in between them, slightly hesitating. He grips them a little more tightly as if to stabilize himself. āBecause weāre Eren and Mikasa, and Mikasa and Eren. Because youāre my best friend. Because I love you. Because you are my home, and Iāll always find my way home back to you.ā
