you and your big sister are taking a walk together in the chilly fall evening, after you told her you needed to talk to her about something. you can't believe you're actually doing this.
you're planning to confess your love.
you've been more and more nervous around your sister ever since you realized you had a crush on her, but no amount of repressing it has helped. you feel like your only hope is to tell her, for better or for worse. at least the feelings might actually stop then.
"so? what'd you wanna talk about?"
"uh, i, uh...god. can i just- can i hold your hand before i say this?"
"uhh..sure? is this a coming out type thing, or...? i think you know that i know that we're both lesbians."
you take her hand and continue. it's warm. yours feels like it's only getting colder.
"i, i guess? fuck, i didn't see it that way, but i don't really know if you'd wanna associate this with coming out, i, i- i dont know if this is something to really celebrate..."
"sis, whatever this is, it's clearly got you a nervous wreck. i've seen you these past few weeks. whatever it is, i won't be mad. seriously. you know i don't care if you, like, i dunno, commit crimes or whatever."
"i know, i know, i- this is different."
you squeeze her hand a little tighter. you think you're going to lose it.
you stop walking and turn towards your sister. your beautiful, super cool, big sister. that you're crushing on. hard.
you think you feel tears starting to escape and you haven't even responded yet.
"i- i have,, i have a c-"
you start hyperventilating. you can't. you can't bear it, you don't want to be hurt. you don't want to hurt Her. instinctively, you wrap your arms around your sister, burying your head in her shoulder. the tears start automatically, and the heaving breaths continue, muffled by your sister's coat.
"i'm, i'm s-sorry i'm so s,sorry, s-sis, i-"
you can feel her respond as she always does, wrapping her arms around you, holding you tight patting your back, those familiar whispers attempting to calm you down.
"shhh, shhhhhh. it's okay. you don't have to-"
you can barely speak, but you have to pull it together. you Have to tell her. she needs to know. she Needs to.
"i- i have,,a c,,crush on y,ou,,"
it comes out clearer than you expect, but still nasally from the snot starting to dribble out of your nose.
she continues holding you, as if you hadn't said anything at all. she's silent for a moment, but continues the ever familiar gesture of petting you in order to calm you down.
you can barely whimper it out. the shame is starting to set in. you want to curl up and disappear.
she lets go of you. this is it, isn't it? the sucker punch of either "i can't date my sister" or "i need to fix you." probably both. it's over.
she puts a little distance between the two of you, so her face fills your view. god, that beautiful face, with that precious smile. you'll never get to have it, will you? why did you have to be her sister? why couldn't you be her unrelated soulmate? or even just a stranger to admire her from afar? why did you have to be so unlucky?
you decide to meet her eyes. at least you can look at them in earnest for one last time while your fate is sealed.
"i suppose it's only right that i'm your first kiss then."
you can barely react before her lips meet yours. all your anxieties stop, for the first time in your life. in their place is pure bliss. warmth, love, kindness, things you never thought you could gets, things you only felt like you could vicariously experience secondhand through your sister. and now she's sharing them with you.
and then before you know it, it's over. but she only barely moves her face away from yours. just enough for your eyes to meet again. but now, you can read them.
you can already tell that that's only the first kiss of many, many more to come.
