still levi.
levi’s hands are dirty. he’s done things he’s not exactly proud of. he’s had to fight, hurt, kill to stay alive. violence barely even takes a toll on him anymore, at least not the way it used to. it’s hard to feel anything at all when you’ve caused as much destruction as he has, when your value to others is reduced to the strength you bring to a fight.
levi knows that he is lethal — and he’s come to terms with it. after all, he’s been taught since he was a boy that whoever hits harder, whoever moves faster is the one who survives. what began as fighting for his survival in the underground became fighting for the survival of humanity alongside the Scouts. over time, levi learned it’s not that different, the underground and the survey corps; blood must be spilt, and if you are strong enough, you have some say in who’s it is. that alone is enough of a reason for people to keep you around.
it’s hard for levi not to become too detached from himself with all the violence that’s surrounded him, with all the violence he’s created. but, there are moments, however rare, when levi can forget all the wrongs he’s committed. when levi is reminded that he is more than just “humanity’s strongest”. when levi realizes that he is still levi. in these moments, levi experiences a warming hum of peace in his chest. it’s small and gentle and if he blinks he’ll miss it — but it’s there. it’s in a hot, bracing cup of tea resting on his desk. it’s in the warmth of the sun on his face, a luxury he never had in the underground. it’s in clean sheets that smell gently of soap. it’s in the clicking and whirring of his ODM gear as he weaves in and out of the trees. it’s in hange’s crazed smile every time she discovers something new about the titans. it’s in erwin’s speech of encouragement leading up to a fight, urging him to dedicate his heart. it’s in the wide eyes of the each new cadet, who knows only to hope. it’s in the memories of isabel, and furlan, and his mother.
it may not seem like much to others, but to him? these moments are everything. levi was bred as a weapon with a specific purpose. no one was there to care about levi beyond if he was performing well enough, staying strong enough, killing fast enough — and he always was. but small moments like these are enough to show levi that there is still a beating heart underneath his uniform. that’s he’s still levi. and that is worth more to him than all the glory in the world.
for all the destruction levi has seen — for all the destruction he’s caused — it would be easy for him to disconnect entirely from his heart. but that’s just not who he is. levi may not feel all the time, but the fact that he can even feel at all?
he’ll take that any day. because he’s still levi.