The Avengers: Square go, ye big green fud.
Some teenage aliens have stolen one of their Dad's spaceships and decided to invade Earth for a laugh, but, never having used the Sat-nav before, they were unable to locate any of the large, famous, cinematically and commercially viable American cities, and so ended up somehow landing in the North-East of Scotland, trying to pick a fight with a small village. Luckily one of the old-timers there still had his old Bat-signal from the war to signal for help, but Batman was binging on a box-set of old Eastenders episodes and couldn’t be arsed helping out (Heather Trott was a bit of a guilty wank for the fella), but he did agree that he would send the Avengers a text the next time he went for a piss break, or during a boring bit involving Ian Beale and some carrots.
Iron Man: “Excuse me simple peasant, we are the Avengers; could you tell us where the invading aliens are please?”
Wee Tom: “Maist o’ them are doon in London ah hink; ma brither-in-law wiz doon there n’ wiz sayin’ ye canna unnerstan a word maist o’ the foreign buggers are sayin’ ti ye! Naebidy speaks English any mair! Enoch wiz right!”
Wee Tom: “Fuckin’ hell, you’re a tidy bint eh? Nice erse on this hoor, eh lads? Ah bet you’ve had a sly wank ower her a few times eh, ye big green cunt!”
Iron Man: “Thanks for your time, we’ll see if we can find someone a bit more um…understandable.”
Wee Tom: “Nae bother Metal Mickey, A’m needin’ awa hame fir a shite onyway.”
Thor: “Let’s ask this couple of old ladies over there, hopefully they don’t speak Klingon like he did.”
Hawkeye: “Hello ladies, can you help us? We were wondering where to find the aliens.”
Aul’ Jessie: “Aye aye ma loon, fit like the day?”
Aul’ Jessie: “A’m asking hoo yir deein?”
Iron Man: “I think the aliens have already taken over the bodies of the locals.”
Meg: “Oh, you’re a cheeky wee hoor eh? Are ye nae sweating yir ba’s off in that hing min?”
Iron Man: “Am I sweating?”
Meg: “Aye, ye canna be comfy clankin’ aboot in that big lump o’ shite, ye’d be better in a t-shirt n’ shorts on a fine day like this.”
Iron Man: “No offence ladies, but we’re in a bit of a hurry to find the aliens and kick their asses.”
Meg: “Are you lot nae a bit aul’ to be ga’in aroon’ looking fir fights? Whit yis shid dae is tak ‘em fir a pint instead; there’s nothin’ thit canna be solved ower a pint or twelve.”
Iron Man: “It’s okay big fella, I know it’s hard to decipher, but I think I’m tuning into their quaint gibberish; they seem to think that we should go for a drink with the alien invaders instead of battling them, which is, frankly, laughably naïve.”
Aul’ Jessie: “Nivver min, drinkin’ solves a’thin! Look at Skittery Jock thone time he fell oot wi’ Dangleberry Johnston ower fa’s turn it wis tae de-grease Fat Alec; the pair o’ them were a’ set tae kick each ither’s cunts in, but Fishy Elsa managed tae convince them baith tae go tae the pub instead, n’ noo they’re the best o’ pals again. They even solved their dilemma by ganging up on young Bob Thompson and forcin’ him tae get up tae his elbas in Alec-gunk instead.”
Black Widow: “We really don’t have time for this guys, we need to find the aliens quick.”
Meg: “Calm doon quine, we cain far they are, we’re jist keepin’ yiz here fir as lang as possible so we c’n eye up this big lump o’ muscle; ye widna kick him oot o’ bed fir daein’ a watery fart on yir thigh when he wiz sleepin’, wid ye Jess?”
Aul’ Jessie: “Oooh no, efter forty years o’ burnin’ ma nostrils on the rancid guff that pumps loudly oot o’ Albert’s flabby cheeks every night, I’d happily spend a week campin’ oot in Shane MacGowan’s y-fronts jist fir five minutes wi’ this big sexy brute. Fit aboot it stud-muffin, div ye fancy makin’ an aul’ wifie’s night?”
Thor: “Are you asking me to sleep with you? No thanks, I’m…um…taken.”
Aul’ Jessie: “Ah come on, git yir big powerful hands on these pair o’ beauties!”
She undid her cardigan and jiggled her funbags from side to side, causing Hawkeye to cry out like a big GIRL when he was hit on the knee by her left one.
Hulk: “HULK NEVER GETTING AN ERECTION EVER AGAIN!”
Hawkeye: “You and me both big guy.”
Thor: “Look wenches, we are here on a very important mission, here to maybe save the lives of you and your families, so could you please just tell us where the baddies are?”
Meg: “He might be a hunka hunka burnin’ love Jessie, but he’s a stroppy shite eh? Fine, they’re probably hingin’ aboot ootside the chipper, there’s fuck all else tae dee aroon’ here.”
Iron Man: “What is a chipper, and where is it?”
Meg: “Ye dinna ken fit a chipper is? Ye hear that Jessie, Meccano-man disna ken fit a chipper is! Tae fuck wi’ goin’ tae America if they dinna even hae chip suppers! Gie me Banff ower New York any day of the week if that’s the case.”
Iron Man: “WHERE’S THE FUCKING CHIPPER!”
Aul’ Jessie: “Oooooh, SOMEONE’S getting ratty eh? Whit’s wrang, are ye coming down with a bad case o’ rusty knob? Fine then ye impatient hoor, ye go doon tae the end o’ this street, turn left at the pishy tramp, and cerry on up the brae n’ ye canna miss it on the left.”
Iron Man: “Thanks. Come on crew.”
The Avengers began to walk quickly down to the end of the street, Hawkeye limping slightly and Thor struggling to remove the chasing Meg’s hand from the front of his trousers. They came across an alcoholic lying prone in the middle of the road, and turned left.
They approached the chip shop at the top of the street, where they were eyed suspiciously by a group of youth hanging around outside.
Black Widow: “Hi guys, can you tell us where the aliens are?”
Wee shite1: “We will if ye get yir tits oot tidy!”
Black Widow: “How about I break your face if you don’t?”
Wee shite1: “Ye could sit on it instead, then A’ll tell ye!”
Thor: “Look lads, we’re in a hurry here, people may be dying and desperate for our assistance, please, tell us where they are.”
Wee shite2: “Buy us some booze fae the shop ower there then.”
Black Widow: “What are you, twelve? I don’t think we’ll be buying you any alcohol little man.”
Wee shite3: “Fine then, good luck findin’ the aliens withoot oor expertise then, ye gormless tourist cunts.”
Hawkeye: “Do you want your whole village to die?”
Wee shite4: “Couldna really gie a shite min, wi’d get off school.”
Iron Man: “I don’t think that you’re realising the severity of the situation lads, just tell us where they are so we can save the lives of your friends and families.”
Wee shite2: “Maist o’ them are fuds enywiy, couldna gie a shite.”
Wee shite1: “Booze, or no deal.”
Black Widow: “Look, I think we’re gonna have to do it or we’ll never find the aliens at this rate.”
Iron Man: “Fine then, let’s go to the shop.”
Hulk: “HULK WANT PICKLED ONION MONSTER MUNCH!”
Iron Man: “Okay big guy, we’ll get you some when we’re there.”
They walked into the local shop.
Iron Man: “Hello my good man, I don’t suppose you know where the aliens are do you?”
Shopkeeper: “Ye mean those new fowk ower at the camp sight? The hikin’ fuds?”
Iron Man: “No, we mean the aliens, y’know, from outer space.”
Shopkeeper: “Nah, nae idea min. Ye should go n’ ask Bob at 22, he cains a’hin!”
Iron Man: “Forget it, we’ll have a couple of bottles of your cheapest vodka then please.”
Shopkeeper: “Is it fir the wee shites ower there yiz wiz talkin’ tae?”
Hulk: “HULK WANT MONSTER MUNCH!”
Iron Man: “In a minute Hulk. No, it’s for our own personal use.”
Shopkeeper: “I jist wondered. It’s nae right, jist hingin’ aboot ootside nae drinkin’ at their age, they should be puking on folk’s doorsteps n’ missin’ school wi’ a hangover; it’s nae right.”
Black Widow: “Can you just sell us the vodka please?”
Shopkeeper: “A’right quine, calm doon. Here, this is the cheapest pish A’ve got.”
Iron Man: “Do you take cards?”
Shopkeeper: “Nah, A’ dinna bother wi’ that, it’s cash only in here.”
Iron Man: “Well the problem is that we haven’t exactly had time to get our money exchanged, we were too busy concentrating on getting over here and saving your hides from an alien invasion. How about an autograph as payment instead?”
Shopkeeper: “Who the fuck are ye like, X Factor winners or some shite?”
Hawkeye: “We’re the Avengers!”
Hulk: “HULK COULD EAT A SCABBY HORSE!”
Iron Man: “Throw a couple of packets of pickled onion Monster Munch in with the booze please. Look, I’m LOADED, and if you give us the booze n’ snacks just now, when this is all over I’ll come back and give you enough money to buy this entire village if you want.”
Shopkeeper: “You’ll give me eleven pounds and fourteen pence? Look, Ah ken fa’ ye are, A’m jist windin’ yiz up. Tak the booze n’ settle up efter a’hin’ is deen.”
Iron Man: “Thank you my man, we’ll come back and settle up, I promise.”
Hulk: “HULK HUUUUUUNNNNNGGGGRRRRRYYYYYY!”
Iron Man: “Okay big fella, there you go. Right come on, let’s bribe those little shits.”
They walked back to the little shits, and handed over the booze.
Wee shite4: “Cheers Pound Shop transformer, noo Jamesie here will tak ye tae the aliens.”
Jamesie: “How me? C’n I nae bide n’ get pissed wi’ youse?”
Wee shite4: “Nah, yir too young; yir Mam wid lynch me if Ah gave ye booze before ye were twelve. Noo hurry up and take them tae the aliens, n’ if yir back in good time A’ll get ye a sweetie!”
He trudged away sulkily, with the Avengers following behind.
Black Widow: “Eat with your mouth shut please Hulk.”
Hawkeye: “So have you seen the aliens Jamesie?”
Jamesie: “Aye, we were a’ hingin’ aboot doon the park playin’ fitba when they landed. They came oot n’ started comin’ the cunt, so Big Dode asked thim fir a square go n’ they shit themselves! Ah dinna ken far they’re fae but thone weapons they have are shite! They attacked the boys n’ Big Dode managed to tak them a’ on himsel, n’ they ended up hingin’ fae the goalposts by thone things that were danglin’ fae their crotches.”
Black Widow: “What happened then?”
Jamesie: “We a’ started takin’ the piss oot o’ thim, n’ takin’ turns tae try n’ hit thim in thir faces wi’ the ba’. Johnny got ane o’ thim a beauty right in the coupon!”
Iron Man: “I’m starting to wonder if our services were needed here.”
Hulk: “HULK FEELS A DUMP BREWING!”
Iron Man: “You’ll just have to wait Hulk, we’re almost at the park I think.”
Jamesie: “Aye look, there they are.”
The Avengers looked over the green grass of the football pitch and saw four purple aliens hanging uncomfortably from the goalposts by stretched and bruised looking appendages. Some youths were standing around them, throwing chips at them.
Hawkeye: “Hey! Leave them be!”
Youth1: “Fuck off, we were here first!”
Iron Man: “We’re the Avengers, and we say back off.”
Youth1: “Aye Ah ken who ye are, Ah jist dinna gie a shite!”
Youth2: “Dinna suppose thone Guardians o’ The Galaxy are wi’ yiz are they? Thone Gamora wid get it!”
Youth1: “Nah, Nebula’s tidier!”
Youth2: “Thone slapheid? Fuck aff!”
Thor: “While you debate the merits of which ones would get the pleasure of your attentions the most, we need to talk to these visitors and ascertain what they want on Earth, so please, step aside. Anyway, Black Widow is here!”
Youth3: “Ach nae offence quine, but yir nae really ma type.”
Youth1: “Nae yir type? You shagged Jackie the Tooth, so Ah think ye’d shag the big green cunt given half a bottle o’ vodka.”
Youth2: “N’ she is tidy.”
Black Widow: “Thanks, your approval means so much to me.”
Hulk: “HULK TOUCHING CLOTH!”
Iron Man: “Not now Hulky. Now please lads, step aside.”
Youth3: “Is it only you four that are comin’ like? Far’s the rest?”
Hawkeye: “It’s trade’s fortnight back home so most of our comrades have pissed off to Magaluf for a break, but we agreed to come over and help you out, for double time and days in lieu.”
Youth2: “Aww, I like thone wee cunt, Ant-man.”
Youth3: “Spiderman’s aboot oor age, we could hiv asked him whit the flange is like in American schools.”
Youth1: “Di ye think Big Dode could tak him?”
Youth4: “Aye, nae bother, the cunt wid be wedgied afore the introductions wir done!”
Black Widow, pushing them out of the way roughly: “Okay, I’m bored of this, out of our way!”
Youth2: “Wisen up min! Fuckin’ hoor, Ah definitely winna be shaggin’ ye noo then!”
Black Widow: “I’ll live.”
Hulk: “HULK GOING BEHIND TREE!”
Iron Man: “Okay aliens, do you understand me?”
Alien1: “We understand YOU; these smaller humans are speaking a language that blew up Gnarfenwaaaargglefnnnpprr’’s universal translator.”
Gnarfenwaaaargglefnnnpprr: “It was a present from my Granny too.”
Iron Man: “Don’t worry about that, it’s primitive gibberish. Now, what do you want on our planet?”
Alien2: “Well, not to spend all our time hanging in great pain from our genitals would be a start.”
Thor: “If we take you down, do we have your word that you won’t start anything?”
Youth4: “ha ha! I widna worry aboot these pathetic shites! Efter whit A’ve seen wee Jamesie could rule their planet armed wi’ a comb and a three-day old kipper. Thir pussies min!”
Alien1: “We weren’t ready! You sucker-punched us! Let us down and we’ll show you how tough we are!”
Youth3: “Oh aye, act hard noo in front o’ the tidy bint! You were the anes that started it, comin’ oot o’ yir machine and barkin’ orders aboot like yir fuckin’ Emperor Ming.”
Youth1: “Mair like Emperor mingin’ the wiy he shit himsel’ when Dode started poundin’ intae ‘im!”
Alien2: “Could you PLEASE let us down, I wouldn’t mind being able to have children at some point in my life, and if I hang like this any longer there’s not much chance of that happening.”
Iron Man: “Okay, get them down.”
Thor: “Who died and made you boss?”
Youth1: “Aye, you tell ‘im Thor; efter a’ you are an actual GOD, so you should be runnin’ hings, he’s jist some cunt wi’ loads o’ points on his Halfords loyalty card.”
Iron Man: “Okay, let’s ALL get them down then.”
The Avengers (minus a shitting Hulk) helped the groaning aliens down from the goalposts, and laid them down on the grass.
Gnarfenwaaaargglefnnnpprr: “Thank you so much.”
Iron Man: “No problem Gna…pal.”
Youth3: “Aw, see, he musta got a hert fae the Wizard o’ Oz efter a’.”
Black Widow: “So why are you here?”
Gnarfenwaaaargglefnnnpprr: “Summat to do; our home planet is incredibly boring for us young ones. We are such a highly-evolved race that most of the adults just sit around pontificating on matters intellectual and denigrating the more primitive planets like Earth all day.”
Alien 4: “We don’t though, we’re always sticking up for Earth and telling everyone how cool you are, aren’t we lads?”
Gnarfenwaaaargglefnnnpprr: “Oh yes, we’re always bigging you up! We’re always trying to show them how great Earth is, and the fantastic contributions you could make to the universe if we opened up to you, but those old squares won’t listen.”
Alien 4: “Remember that time we tried to show them the majesty of Steven Segal? Nothing.”
Youth1: “They’re jist speakin’ shit tae try n’ butter yiz up! Dinna listen ti thir shite!”
Alien 1: “No it’s true! Why do you think we came here? Bkkkkkkkkkkkkkfortesqueummmmbafoato managed to get tickets on the internet for Shania Twain’s concert tonight, but we got a bit lost trying to find the venue. We love your culture.”
Black Widow: “They like Shania Twain? Maybe we should string them back up.”
Bkkkkkkkkkkkkkfortesqueummmmbafoato: “No way! Shania rocks!”
A reasonably-sized stone whacked Bkkkkkkkkkkkkkfortesqueummmmbafoato straight between his large, saucer eyes.
Bkkkkkkkkkkkkkfortesqueummmmbafoato: “OWWWW!”
Black Widow: “Thanks little shit.”
Youth 2: “No problems bint.”
Thor: “So you’re saying that you’re no threat to our planet then?”
Youth 3: “Well maybe if they take over our radio stations they might be.”
Gnarfenwaaaargglefnnnpprr: “We are no threat whatsoever, we’re just youngsters doing what youngsters do: pissing about.”
Thor: “So if we let you go you will go back into your spaceship and be on your merry way?”
Alien 4: “Definitely, we’ve had enough of this place…”
Alien 1, muttering under his breath: “This place is getting a really shitty review on Trip-advisor once I get home.”
Youth 2: “Ah heard that, ye prick!”
Youth 1: “Maybe we dinna WANT tae let yiz go hame, maybe we’re gonna keep ye here fir the crack.”
Iron Man: “Now now guys, we don’t want to start an intergalactic incident; if these youngsters go missing then their parents and their armies might come looking for them.”
Youth 3: “Fuck ‘em, we’ve got Big Dode.”
Hulk, from somewhere in the distance: “HAS ANYONE GOT A PAPER?”
Iron Man, ignoring him: “We really don’t want to piss off another planet guys, we’ve enough on our plates at the moment.”
Youth 3: “Ah come on, we could dee wi’ some excitement ‘roon’ here. Let them come n’ we c’n hae a square go wi’ the pricks.”
Black Widow: “That’s not going to be happening children.”
Iron Man: “Okay, you’re free to go, sorry for any unpleasantness you experienced on our planet; not everyone here is like these reprobates.”
The aliens get up from the ground and walk to their spaceship, clicking on the immobiliser as they do so.
Black Widow: “Don’t be strangers! Come back any ti…what’s that smell? Holy shit! It’s a trap! They must have released a powerful gas when they pressed their immobiliser!”
Thor, falling to the floor, retching: “Shit…I can feel…myself…passing out…”
Iron Man, down on his hands and knees: “Hawkeye…talk to me…Hawkeye…he’s out for the…count…my eyes…are…burning…lungs…on…fire…can’t…take…much…more…”
Gnarfenwaaaargglefnnnpprr, shouting from the spaceship window: “Nowt to do with us, look towards the epicentre of all that dead grass. See ya.”
The Avengers, with great effort, dragged themselves around and saw that the ground all around them was all of a sudden barren and scorched, the charred remains of dead birds and insects scattered all over. Out of the glowing distance walked a large, green monster of a man, zipping up his flies.
Hulk: “I’D GIVE IT FIVE MINUTES IF I WAS YOU!”
origamiaround
yousharknotpass
theartofmadeline
turnnoffyourmind
2087