If Terry Shin Were Your Boyfriend
In the style of The Toast’s “If [So-and-So] Were Your Boyfriend/Girlfriend” articles, this one is for Wendy Xu. Thank you, Wendy, for your beautiful pigeon creation, Terry Shin.
IF TERRY SHIN WERE YOUR BOYFRIEND.
If Terry Shin were your boyfriend, he would be the best boyfriend ever, period. In fact, you would never, ever have had a more thoughtful boyfriend than Terry Shin! The pigeon head would be hard to ignore, but in time, you would come to love it as much as any part of his beautiful musculature and well-sculpted arms.
If Terry Shin were your boyfriend, you would come home to find all of his laundry folded neatly on the bed, in perfectly even stacks of muscle tees and neon shorts. He would fold your laundry, too, because he’s thoughtful like that.
If Terry Shin were your boyfriend, he would definitely subscribe to Blue Apron or one of those grocery delivery boxes. He would want to cook for you! In fact, he would insist on it. And if he made a mess in the kitchen or ruined the dinner, well, you two could always order pizza with extra pepperoni.
If Terry Shin were your boyfriend, you would go on ice cream dates every other weekend. The people working there on Saturdays would have your orders memorized, and they would tease you gently about how lovey-dovey you two look. You would order lychee sorbet, and Terry would order toasted sesame ice cream, and you two would share bites on a park bench just around the corner.
If Terry Shin were your boyfriend, those moments would remind you of the first time he asked you on a date. That time, many months ago, you were applying for a new job at a bookstore in your neighborhood, and a well-built man with a pigeon head asked if you wanted to get coffee after you left. You didn’t get the job, but you did get Terry Shin.
If Terry Shin were your boyfriend, he would never forget your birthday, or your anniversary, or any other important holiday. You don’t remember pigeons having great memories, but Terry’s would be laser sharp, and he would always bring you flowers to celebrate those important days.
If Terry Shin were your boyfriend, he would slowly move into your apartment. First, his contact lens solution and an extra case. Then his toothbrush, which he’d still use out of habit. Slowly, he’d take over doing chores, and soon you two would achieve a quiet, beautiful domestic harmony.
If Terry Shin were your boyfriend, you would find feathers in the bathtub drain cover. Lots of feathers. But you would never fight about it, because Terry would always apologize and clean them up.
If Terry Shin were your boyfriend, he would clean the rest of the bathroom, too.
If Terry Shin were your boyfriend, he would bake you cakes and brownies to cheer you up whenever you were sad. You would never have the heart to tell him if his pastries were burned, because he would be so excited about them. But that eagerness, you’d decide, was part of his charm.
If Terry Shin were your boyfriend, he would invite you to work out with him. He would spot you on all of your weight exercises, and you would admire the way his muscles rippled beneath his pigeon head whenever he moved. Also, he’d always bring enough sports drinks or protein shakes for two.
If Terry Shin were your boyfriend, you wouldn’t feed any pigeons at the park because you already had one at home to feed. You might sneak them a few crackers now and then, though, even if it made Terry jealous.
If Terry Shin were your boyfriend, he would eye your bubble tea enviously every time you ordered it. But he wouldn’t complain. After all, it isn’t your fault that beaks and straws are incompatible.
If Terry Shin were your boyfriend, it probably wouldn’t be your fault that he was a half-pigeon, half-human monstrosity. Probably.
If Terry Shin were your boyfriend, he wouldn’t remember that once, many months ago, he barged rudely into the shop where you worked part time and knocked all of the books you were holding out of your arms.
If Terry Shin were your boyfriend, he definitely wouldn’t remember how he ignored you that day and didn’t help you pick up those books, and how he stepped on several manuscripts that were very important to you. He wouldn’t remember that he and his friends almost got you fired because of it.
If Terry Shin were your boyfriend, he would never know that, in that moment, full of rage and shame and hurt, you cast the worst curse you knew on him, and his life, from that moment on, would never, ever be the same.
If Terry Shin were your boyfriend, he wouldn’t remember life before being a half-pigeon, half-human monstrosity. He wouldn’t remember ever having hair instead of feathers, or lips instead of a beak. He wouldn’t remember his struggles to fit in with the rest of his frat, or how he wished he was like everyone else around him. Instead, like Bottom in A Midsummer Night’s Dream, he would carry on blissfully unaware that anything was, or could have been, different.
If Terry Shin were your boyfriend, he would love you unconditionally.
If Terry Shin were your boyfriend, the guilt might drive you mad.
If Terry Shin were your boyfriend, you would fall asleep every night with his solid, part-feathered body in the bed next to you, his back pressed against yours, his breath rising and falling in even swells. And you would stare at the dim light of your phone screen until slumber took you, knowing that he would never, ever know you completely.
baratheonpilled
janainaart
jacobvanloon
gummygunk
snowghoul
germansingergirl
kaledo-art
