You thought we were joking about those clauses in the dorm agreements, didnât you?
Well, unfortunately, no, it seems that campus administration is demanding their pound of flesh- in the case of the student body being weighed at 150lb or more, quite literally- and the Health Office will be forming mandatory queues next week pending the Council vote. You should recieve your summons by mail, e-mail, text, message slipped under the door, skywriting, or owl- perhaps a combination of the above.
Also, those of you who actually were trying to attend classes, please continue going to your regularly assigned classrooms. Do not mind the door not opening from the inside. Do not mind the screams that resonate from behind the doors of sanitation closets. Do not mind that fluorescent light that flickers occasionally in the bathroom. Do not mind that the cafeteria is sometimes open and serves food, even when there are no kitchen workers present.
On a related note: make sure that you eat everything on your plate, so there is one less starving child in Africa for privileged middle-class parents to use as a scapegoat.
We do not recommend asking where our own campus scapegoats come from.
Or why the cafeteria now serves bacon-flavored protein shakes. Or how to get a protein shake to taste like bacon.
In other news: security is reporting that there is less looting being observed, and theyâre kind of annoyed. Soul-crushing, humiliating, thorough beatings will commence in order to encourage the student body to engage in traditional anarchist past times, a staple of our fine school. Pay no mind to how your blood quickly sinks into the earth, even through concrete, as if it was being greedily sucked from the surface. Also pay no mind to our dark uniform-wearing security teamsâ chanting whilst beating you into the dirt. Also, try some antiseptic and antibiotics on those lacerations that theyâll inevitably dole out. This has been stated to be, tragically, an unavoidable facet of Styriaâs (and the schoolâs) unique law enforcement measures.
Have a pleasant day, students!