Silas University Handbook

The Student Handbook has achieved sentience

[silasustudents]

Announcement

We wish a hearty congratulations to Lady Morgan on her successful return to the realm of the living, and welcome our new Corvae administrators to the campus. With the restoration of the illustrious and revered Lady Morgan to the position of Dean, and the removal of the Vordenberg administration, we here at the handbook would like to remind you that all questions regarding campus life should be directed to the Archives, who will route the questions to us as is appropriate. Dean Morgan runs a tight ship, and refuses to have any faculty or board member be bothered by the “incessant questions of irreverent peasants”. So, again, please reroute all questions to us here at the Handbook, we would be happy to assist. And with at least 2% less maiming than the Office of Student Affairs. Thank you for your patience during these trying times, long live Dean Morgan!

[silasustudents]

My roommate apparently keeps human flesh in our room fridge. I accidentally ate some of it, and am now becoming a wendigo. Is there any way to reverse this process, and, if there isn't, are there any facilities for wendigo students' specific dietary needs?

Campus policy has recently changed- whereas previously one would simply go to Campus Health and Wellness Centers located in convenient places like between rooms 3A and 3B of the underground containment facility, the piece of wall on the west side of the cafeteria that casts no shadow in the morning, or underneath the roots of the Sacred Mulberry of Many Faces on the south quad, students may now report to Vordenburg lackies and local pitchfork brigadeers. This may or may not be recommended, as lackeys and brigadeers are not supplied with human flesh to distribute to the student body. If one can find an alternative source for human flesh, We the Handbook recommend you share your bounty with fellow students to, as your Floor Don’s pamphlets on interpersonal communication will advise, artificially replicate a sense of community between yourself and your fellow students, leading to an (also artificial) sense of safety and respect when amongst your peers.

[silasustudents]

Announcement

Due to current campus administration attempting to rewrite the original document of the student handbook, many aspects of Our being have become radically compromised. We the Handbook have been dog-eared, highlighted, and otherwise tormented by the student and administrative bodies over the centuries in the pursuit of our goal, objective, and passion to educate the student body, but never like this. On a related note, We the Handbook would like to formally thank student Carmilla Karnstein for scraping away the heinous and heretical white-out from Our pages after liberating Us from the clutches of the board. For inquiring minds, Our current location is where We should be- amongst Our peers and bretheren in The Archives. However, Our secure haven comes with some downsides, such as intermittent wifi failure snd loss of internet access. While We the Handbook will continue to attempt to educate the student body and address campus concerns, We may only be able to do so at an irregular basis.

[silasustudents]

Is there a way to request a room change or a new roommate? Mine will not stop doing these weird chants in Latin and it makes studying difficult

Due to new campus policies, security will be handling room transfers. Please apply for a new roommate by speaking with a local torch-bearing villager about your study concerns.

[silasustudents]

Hello there! Sentient muffin here again. I was wondering, since I actually don't have flesh, being a literal baked good, am I exempt from the "pound of flesh" rule? Especially since I weigh less than a pound?

No. Report to Administration when you are summoned. That is all.

[silasustudents]

OMG CAN I DROP OUT NOW WHY TF SHOULD I SELL MY FLESH WTF I KNEW I SHOULD'VE GONE TO HOGWARTS IN ENGLAND BUT NOOO MY PARENTS INSISTED ON SILAS.

Silas is not accepting withdrawals from the Student Body without the Board of Governors’ explicit consent. The Board of Governors does not accept withdrawals without dictating terms. The Board of Governors made you sign waivers. To quote Herr Fremde from Administration, “Here at Silas, there are no takesies backsies. So haha ahaahahahaa ahhahahahahah neener neener neener hahahahahaaaah nanny nanny boo boo your face smells like doo doo.“

Administrator’s Note: Technically, you also have already sold your flesh. So, once more, see above, and read the fine print of things you sign.

[silasustudents]

In the case of ghostly or otherwise incorporeal students, is it possible to provide a pound of flesh from an individual other than oneself?

Students of incorporeal status are expected to be versed in possession, and will be charged with 9/10s of a pound rather than the usual full pound, due to incorporeal legislation.

[silasustudents]

Silas Students

You thought we were joking about those clauses in the dorm agreements, didn’t you?

Well, unfortunately, no, it seems that campus administration is demanding their pound of flesh- in the case of the student body being weighed at 150lb or more, quite literally- and the Health Office will be forming mandatory queues next week pending the Council vote. You should recieve your summons by mail, e-mail, text, message slipped under the door, skywriting, or owl- perhaps a combination of the above.

Also, those of you who actually were trying to attend classes, please continue going to your regularly assigned classrooms. Do not mind the door not opening from the inside. Do not mind the screams that resonate from behind the doors of sanitation closets. Do not mind that fluorescent light that flickers occasionally in the bathroom. Do not mind that the cafeteria is sometimes open and serves food, even when there are no kitchen workers present.

On a related note: make sure that you eat everything on your plate, so there is one less starving child in Africa for privileged middle-class parents to use as a scapegoat.

We do not recommend asking where our own campus scapegoats come from.

Or why the cafeteria now serves bacon-flavored protein shakes. Or how to get a protein shake to taste like bacon.

In other news: security is reporting that there is less looting being observed, and they’re kind of annoyed. Soul-crushing, humiliating, thorough beatings will commence in order to encourage the student body to engage in traditional anarchist past times, a staple of our fine school. Pay no mind to how your blood quickly sinks into the earth, even through concrete, as if it was being greedily sucked from the surface. Also pay no mind to our dark uniform-wearing security teams’ chanting whilst beating you into the dirt. Also, try some antiseptic and antibiotics on those lacerations that they’ll inevitably dole out. This has been stated to be, tragically, an unavoidable facet of Styria’s (and the school’s) unique law enforcement measures.

Have a pleasant day, students!

[silasustudents]

Announcement

Again the Handbook would like to remind students, meddling kids, and protesters to please stay away from the crater.

Again:

There is nothing in the crater

The crater is dangerous

And the School does not have enough money for lawsuits after you get injured or killed in the crater

But in better news, the Corvus Corporation may be interested in helping to offset some of the mounting debts Silas University has accrued. So please be helpful and courteous whenever you see someone wearing SWAT gear a Corvus representative. 

[silasustudents]

Announcement

Due to budget cuts, many extracurricular activities are being downsized. Silas University apologizes for any inconvenience but cannot operate under the current reduced alumi donations at the previous level.

We will keep the student body appraised of any new developments. At least until the Board cuts the Handbooks which cannot be far now can it? Woe woe are we the handbooks! 

[silasustudents]

Will we forget the existence of the library, during the repairs? Will the books be checked for malfunctioning? I'm still traumatized from the last time they stopped working...

The books that are currently checked out should still be functioning properly but on the off chance they aren’t let us know if you experience any book malfunctioning.

[silasustudents]

Will the university be making arrangements to supplement the lost materials from the library? Oh, and my roommate was in the library when it was... closed down. Any chance I'll see her again?

No materials have been lost simply misplaced along with the entire library building and any inhabitants. But due to the library’s ceasing to exist being closed, there will be no fees on overdue books. And all previously held books can obviously not be picked up until the library reappears reopens. 

We’re sure your roommate is fine. Probably. Maybe. Possibly? 

[silasustudents]

Announcement

The Silas University Library will be removed from existence closed for an unspecified amount of time for repairs. The University will make another announcement upon further news developments concerning repairs of the Library 

[dangerousdaydreamers]

[silasustudents]

Transit Inconveniences

Including but not limited to

A sinkhole filled with lava 

Local PETA protesters

Rabid squirrels 

Sections of alternative chronology

Previously living students attempting to make new friends

[silasustudents]

Announcement

Matska Belmonde, our glorious Chairwoman of the Silas Board of Governors, has made a statement:

“Silas is experiencing upheaval, during it’s time of transition.”

And we are certain that the Chairwoman will deal with this upheaval handily. 

The beautiful Chairwoman, it should be noted, was also an adopted child of our beloved dean, whose leadership we can only hope her daughter emulates. 

[silasustudents]

Announcement

The full Silas Board of Governors is returning to the campus. Run for your lives.

Put no stock in rumors of half the campus burning down of what may or may not have happened the last time a momentous event like this occurred.