I have been going crazy waiting for unemployment.A record of 7 weeks with no income.I've been living off my first months rent and deposit because i havent been working for 2 months and im almost back to work.
Social life has sorta crumbled.With my family sick i've been leaning more on the few friends i have but i will emphasize few i maybe have 2 close friends and a cousin tht lives in louisiana its sort of .. Isolating.No love life and no love interest and after a while as is in my case it makes one bitter,miserable,something detestable to the senses.
A grim spectre of who i am encompasses the rest of me.A black cloud,a demon,in most cases people call it a sickness.An illness,for me at this point its a curse.The circumstances of my life atm do a lot to influence and ultimately define my reality.
I really need to work on my perception of things idk if im a cynic by nature or by blood and possibly both life shouldn't be so morbid through my eyes.There is sunshine and hope no matter how bleak.It would be good for me to remember that.Also to put into practice.I might try to lighten my behaviour.
The grim tone deaf expression that paints my face doesn't have to be so serious.Although i love my transparency.Most times i don't pretend to be happy i know life has me fvukked from the minute i wake til i close my eyes if i ever do(i was up last night lol).
Though not trying to be happy doesn't help either it just saves me the disappointment if having tried and failed.I will say not trying though,is a pitiful way to walk through life rife with shame and guilt and endless possibilities on what could've been.
Speaking of possibilities leads me to my next issue.The infamous elisa lam.Finding out about her death i fount it very unfortunate even tragic but then i saw the elevator video and my mind is perplexed about her behaviour what was she she experiencing?was she lost?or was she having an episode?did somebody kill her or did she kill herself and why?
The lam elisa test and the tb outbreak remains unexplained.The dark water plot.What book did she buy at the last bookstore?Did tht have something to do with it or was she playing the elevator game?wikipedia shared results of her autopsy which weren't mentioned in the documentary.were they false facts or just meant to be obscured?
As someone who has suffered with mental illness for 11 years i find it heartbreaking someone with mental illness died so suddenly and tragically.I mean it was her last day in LA, tht morning she was headed for santa cruz if im correct.She didn't have a cellphone either she lost it or someone took it.
I just really hate how her case has so much mystery and unanswered phenomena surrounding it.In any case i hope she is resting in peace some 8 years later.I just wish more justice was done for her,the response from the legal team in charge of this case and management at the hotel seemed like nobody wanted to go near this case and for whatever reason they did,the documentary looked more like a cover up then a closed case.
I understand LAPD is stretched thin but if somebody did kill her that person is free to kill again.On the other hand if she ended her life shows neglect from where im standing.What are the odds the hotel moves her to her own room on a floor with no video surveillance literally the night she disappears.She was supposed to check out the following day.What kind of hotel does that shxt?
I may never know what actually happened but all i know is that could've been me or anyone else in a fragile situation who is MENTALLY ILL.That hotel killed her,I'll put it like this why didn't she die anywhere else?To state the obvious tightening my grip comes more naturally then letting go.I wish something could've been done for her.She has become a cautionary tale for me and possibly many others.
After a night of staying up i finally finished resident evil.The relationship i developed with that franchise over the years has kept me going and also made me a smarter more mature player.After a while i really learned to appreciate the artform genre that was/is survival horror.I started with 3 after i did 4 then 0 then i played a few of the remakes and finally the first one i finally finished it.
After possibly 7 or 8 years i finally got around to it.Now for breath of the wild.I'm almost done reading dracula i have less than 100 pages.I mean since i barely have any money.I need to take advantage of this apartment and its electricity while i hold out for unemployment.I don't want to go back to work but money ain't a problem til its not there lol.
I can hold out til march but what's gonna happen no one knows.My anxiety is through the roof so i will give up control.I will put my faith in Jehovah to see me through because god always does ā¤.In the name of he who forgives me Jesus Christ
