As I Eat Silently..

Thoughts run through my mind...

[silentdiner]

Almost one year.

You've been gone for almost one year.

Yet I can't seem to stop thinking about you everyday.

Even with your coldness I hung on.

Just for the vague and short sweetness that took me by surprise.

All ties with you has almost been cut, I still know where we might be connected.

You have so much potential, yet you let certain things prevent you from reaching higher and better.

I miss you every day.

Still hoping you would still be in my future as I have seen you in before.

I wish you the best and I can see you up there one day.

[silentdiner]

My attempt to have a serious but not serious talk about my complicated feelings

I was not asking for anything, I wanted to clear the air on my side and know clearly and for sure there is nothing between us. Even though it was a while ago it meant a lot to me and it took me by surprise. We should've talked about it before and me being scared to not able to see or talk to you I didn't initial and told you how much you meant to me. 🙈 Maybe it didn't meant much to you, therefore there was not much to talk about. You've been clear for a while and I've been stuck hoping that it will be like before. Thinking whatever we said when we were being silly was real. (I still love them) 🐗🦁I only say things when I mean it and took the things we said too seriously. I've told you in the beginning, go wherever and do whatever makes you happy. 🙃 For a while I realized for me it's you, now I rather feel nothing than risk feeling pain to feel happy like that. 🙄 If you want to be friends and be "normal" we can, I don't know how much of a friend I can be when we haven't even talked about something funny for a while 🙊

[silentdiner]

Now

I use to make you happy Now that you are happy You don't need me. I only remind you of frustration Who I am annoys you I frustrate you I am unhappy without you You brought light and hope into my full life I am trying to be happy I need to move on I am trying my best to be happy without you Now that you are happy you don't care anymore It's better this way

[silentdiner]

Attraction

As a child:

Prince Charming on a white horse

Teen:

Surfer boy

Late teens:

Fraternity boys

Young adult:

Loaded playboy

Early 20s:

Lover boy actually playing the field

25:

Independent man with great family values

[silentdiner]

Changes.

In many ways I've become less of a problem solver. Instead I've became one that looks for the least affecting way out. I'm ruled less by the goods and benefits of this world. Instead I'm ruled by the costs and profits of daily life. Are these actual changes... I need to breath. To calm my imbalances. I need to stop finding myself. And start to know more about me.

[silentdiner]

Reasons, realization and uncomfortable truths about relationships.

It isn't a maybe. It's a definite between the lines. It takes two to agree if it's meant to be. You're meant to be together if your together. It should be comforting, hopeful and concrete to be together. It's not who will accept me. It's who will I open my heart to. Loving someone isn't waking up and deciding, it's accepting them into your heart and life. You cannot fake the core. -bits and pieces from an article by Brianna Wiest

[silentdiner]

Another kind of heartbreak

How is it possible, that my heart can broken by the one that l loved the most. The man that brought me up. Taught me all my values. The man that I learned to respect. The first steps of ethics and morals of humanity. How to life and be a good person. To put myself in others shoes. With a change of event. All respect and love was lost. How easy it was to let go. Disappointment can turn you away in a matter of seconds. I have no energy to be upset and angry anymore. I just want peace. And love in this world.

[silentdiner]

It's funny. I feel so free. Yet so lost. Like I don't belong. And don't have a burden to drag around. I'm free to do as I wish. Yet don't have a goal to reach. I need to find myself. And find out how to get what I really want. There is one thing I want more than anything. Is a family of my own, a family to care for and give my all into it.

[silentdiner]

Familiar roads

Walking down a familiar path. Like listening to a song. It brings memories back from the past. The same feeling surfaces. Your body remembers. And trembles to the same thoughts. The way you were touch. Your heart trembles remembering how you were held and it made you smile from the inside.

[silentdiner]

What I want

Is to be happy. To live my life. Achieve my goals. Have a family. To love someone. And to be loved. Be at peace. With myself and the world around me.

[silentdiner]

Stupidity

Is it stupid to goto a family dinner tipsy? Let's find out!

[silentdiner]

Horrible nightmare

Jolted awake in the middle of the night. I could not pinpoint what it was. The heavy eerie feeling weighing on my heart. I wanted to scream out loud to release. You were next to me asleep not taking notice. Nudged and told you I had a nightmare You asked and I gave you a shielding answer. I wished you held me close longer. From then on I wanted you to be my comfort. Once I was awaken by this nightmare. The nightmares of real life begun. With more events spiraling down on me. I pulled you closer fast, for my own comfort. Putting my angers on you. Frustrated with you for things out of your control. Pushing you to your limits. Pushing you away. I can breath a little better. As dreams can be forgotten. But realities must be dealt with. This I do not know how yet. Running away does not mean it will end. The next step to be taken is unknown. Falling into the darkness once again may be possible. But I know how to pick myself back up again.

[silentdiner]

Smiling feeling

The most depressing, refreshing and content feeling is when you're riding a bus alone on a sunny afternoon. It's snowing outside and the sun shines on your face and it makes you smile from the inside.

[silentdiner]

I wonder....

I wonder when will I gain the courage to go for what I want. What event in my life will change me. What will give me courage and bravery to take the steps that I hesitate to take now. What experiences will change me. Wake me up. Make my realize I should go for it. And it is not scary. I may not win all the time And it is okay if I fail.....

[silentdiner]

He was once.

He was never perfect. He was just what I needed at that time. Completing parts of me that were lacking. Exactly what I needed. What I felt that would complete me. Would we ever be? I am not sure. I wish I knew. I would go for it again if I get the chance in the future.

[silentdiner]

Dreamt of you

I dreamt of him last night. It started out an amazing dream. Dreaming of what happened then what could've happened the way I wanted it to happen. Things got twisted. It gave me an outcome that I did not want. But this dream gave me more that what I do not want. I see it. How things can change. How people can change. And you can expect them to be what they were before. Physically it will take time. A metaphor of how people cannot change themselves either mentally even though they may say it in words. It was a dream, a nightmare and a realization. How I wish I could tell him. But I must keep things the way they are now. So we may be friends. And he will stay in my life.

[silentdiner]

Our meal alone together...

It was only my seconf time making lamb…Oh the nerves.

The first time as for my father on his birthday long time ago…

This time the only time I was making dinner for him on this trip back to Canada.

My memories of things he said when I made him dinner in the past flashed before me.

What should I make?

I should be creative the way he liked me.

I should make him something special.

Something unexpected.

But not too over the top.

Something he will remember me making.

Trying to get everything together.

Dinner.

The cookies he liked.

The chocolate clusters he liked.

I think the chocolate clusters were missing one ingredient.

It did not turn out the way it should…

He won’t have something to remember by for a while after I leave.

That is disappointing…

I must redeem myself.

Make just one batch.

I did it.

But he didn’t seem to response too much…

He liked it.

I told him it was the last time I will be making these things for him.

He said I said the same thing last time.

I don’t want to say that.

But I must.

Things are different.

I must keep things that way.

So it wont be gone and out of reach.

He will still be somewhere in my world.

And not those that are lost and let go of forever.