SILENT HILLZ

[silenthill2007]

Is this my end? Ours?

My insides hurt, my passions feel defeated

My heart is broken and my hands feel numb. As does my face, my senses feel lost and my body feels heavy. I can’t lose you to me, my most tragic loss would be you. You are a shield from the world, something I go back to even when it hurts. I can’t get over it, I’m so sick . I’m having to get over people.

My heart is broken.

I want my heart to stay together; just one time.

[mournfulroses]

Sylvia Plath, from a letter to Aurelia Plath written c. June 1952

[feelingsoftheday]

I took it personal because I would’ve never did it to you.

[silenthill2007]

Is it so hard to love me? Does my touch hurt you?

Do I burn? Do I make you ache?

I’m sorry. I’m sorry I hurt.

My burning hands against your face leaving sizzling marks and lingering scents of smoke. I’m sorry I hurt you.

[silenthill2007]

Over and Over.

The dissection of my insides, open me up and find the rotten and brittle heart of mine. See how the blood drips and puddles onto the floor, take my heart and poke and jab at it.

Make sure the pulsating sensation stops and that I lay there restless, unloved.

[silenthill2007]

I haven’t cried for ages.

But I needed too.

So. so. so. badly.

I needed to cry, when you left.

I needed to cry when I fell and scraped my knees. They didn’t hurt , but no one came to help.

I needed to cry everyday, when I laid in my bed and the silence made me ache.

I needed to cry then.

To mourn my day, to let myself feel all the horrible emotions in one moment instead of suffering in its stillness in it’s entirety .

It’s icky, suffocating entirety.

I should’ve forced myself. I needed it more than anything, needed to let myself take a big huff and fall apart so I could look at the pieces and examine how damaged I was. Clean them, polish. Fixing.

So I could walk out my door and not feel like I was suffering constantly. Crying gave me that relief I didn’t know I needed. When am I allowed to cry again? To become an emotional mess, chaotic outbursts of sadness or happiness. When can I have that sense of overwhelming feeling? Tell me. Please.

[fromdarzaitoleeza]

{Words by Lily Rain @lilyrainpoetry on Instagram}

[fromdarzaitoleeza]

{Marya Hornbacher from Wasted: A Memoir of Anorexia and Bulimia//stay away but come closer via Altusboy on Tumblr}

[fromdarzaitoleeza]

Words by Rune Lazuli /Jerzy Kosiński from The Devil Tree

[fromdarzaitoleeza]

Wordy by aavfvl

[geryone]

The Black House, Bianca Stone

[lovetrinitygrace]

sure, you would die for me,

but would you live?

would you let me curl into the deepest parts of yourself,

just to keep me warm?

would you soften your voice?

would you command a gentler touch,

so I don't have it as rough?

would you hold me long into the night,

because no time is ever enough?

when push comes to shove -

would you carry on,

or give up?

sapphire

[silenthill2007]

I want to read books and look pretty while doing it, I wish you knew how to braid hair so you could do mine. Bring a comfort I didn’t know I needed so badly. I wish I didn’t need love to live, to have your hands constantly wrapped around me. On my neck, my face, my body. I just need you to love me. I dress up and whisk myself away, preparing for the mental downfall once I take a glance to the mirror. I dance, hoping to feel free, but I feel puppeteered. Dragged along by rugged cord; letting the red twine burn into my diseased skin, leaving marks of vermilion and deepening violet. Falling,Hanging by those red cords. I wonder who controls me, in the end I just follow. A False leader. That’s all I become.

[silenthill2007]

I’m so reminiscent, I find the beauty in everything;even the worse. I find the beauty in the people who treat me wrong, in a way a dogs corpse lays quietly on the side of the road. It’s last breath leaving it long before I had even known of its existence. Beauty in my tears and the silence that humbles me. Beauty in the cut that dragged along my world and so steady to get to my heart. A surgical incision.

I am nostalgic, I am fearful of what to come and yet I am eager to see what the future holds for me. I’m jumping on my feet? No, I am on the edge of my seat. Because I’m not just ready to move into the next scene yet, I’m still waiting on the climax of this one. For the high I might achieve of the low I feel once again, it’s overwhelming. Inviting yet threatening.

Ambivalence.

[silenthill2007]

You walked away again; I couldn’t bare to see you leave. Yet I let you, where was my sense of chase? The sense to make sure you were ok and that I’ll never be, well. It was still there, I chased. You walked, further and further, I sat there. Aching.

I found myself Turing to the sky, hoping maybe; the stars would make me theirs today. This, that’s what I needed. A sudden release, you were gone. I walked to the edge of the dock, my body shivering. My hands shaking in the small pockets of my jacket. Nothing to save me, the water nearing close. I wanted to let myself fall, I wanted to fall and let the water take me in. Embrace its freezing temperatures and feel what I’d imagine death would be. Cold, loving, the last thing I’d see.

The oceans wave kept me at this pacing ease, my heart still hurting. So,so badly. But you were still gone, I had no one. I let myself become very aware of that fact; I have no one. I walked back and forth, letting my words flow freely through my lips. I spoke as if I were telling some sad foe my tale. I was, the water, my biggest enemy . The ocean is soemthing I admire with the greatest fear. And in the moment? All I could think of was you. And how you weren’t there to save me from it. I’m an idiot.

I whispered this, thinking any moment you would see my wallowing in my own self pity, I’m my own pain. I embrace it each time. I find the coldest comfort in its arms, the air was gently breezing and yet it sent chills up my spine. And you still weren’t here, I tried to cry. My eyes watered, I need this. Please, I- this. I need to cry, just this once let me. I near pleaded to myself, I pleaded to have a relief from this pain numbing torture I created for myself, something I found only you could truly ease. You’re gone.

I reminded myself one last time, I step closer to the edge of the dock, the water swaying. My legs shaking. Hands in small, near useless pockets. Eyes watered, I look up at empty sky. Luna, where are you when I need you?

La Luna. My beloved, where are you?

[silenthill2007]

I’d like to believe that everything that’s ever happened to me (bad or good). Happened to make me better. For my love , for my friends, for my family. Better for the people who I love and care for constantly, better for the future family’s I’ll carry and hopefully, one day.

I’ll find myself worthy to be better for too. Maybe then; all the things that happened will be worth it.

[silenthill2007]

And if you were to leave; I’d crumble.

Ah Fatal love, it gives me away each time.

I’d reach out, because something reminded me of you and I just couldn’t get it out my head.

I nearly grab it, you’d like it.

I pinch myself, reminding that it wasn’t what I needed. I didn’t need you. I just felt like I did.

Shoved, locked..

Pushed away, I lock myself into my walls and shut the door. This fortress I’ve built for myself, no one can take it down. Armies upon armies, no one can defeat what I have created. Creation is what I am best at.

Reality never truly hits me, it stands in front of me holding a sign. A blurred image, barely able to make it out. Wake up

And what I have created, is a prison. One where each cell holds a dark memory, occasionally letting it out to question why it hurt me the way it did. Only to be left with silence and my own thoughts rushing back to me; helping cloud my mind of other people’s problems.