Silent Owl

Journal and pictures of fictional player character from Final Fantasy 14.

[silentowlffixiv]

Carrying More

I think it has been some days since I wrote my thoughts. I've had many but I don't think they were worth putting down here. More like a thing you do when you are not sure. Like doing something with numbers or working with beads. You have do it, find the wrong, fix it, and keep going. I did not have the right thoughts to put here. Things seem better. There are no more monsters and no more danger of feelings turning us into shades of nightmares. I see the echo of that time in the faces of others here. They are still troubled and still sorting their own thoughts. It may take time. It reminds me of the first raid where I took a life and how weeks passed before I stopped thinking about the moment. We do not get over things, only learn how to carry it better with us. Everyone here has much to carry now. Still I have not seen my friends. The fault is mine there. I do not try hard enough. Some part of it is because I was not very good with talking to others. When I think about it, it makes me weary and I want to go home. But I do it for Mesa. He is always happy to talk and the people around him are good. I do it for them, too. Good people should know they are good.

Mesa and I spoke about the Promise we'd made to each other. He'd forgotten but agreed to remain together. I don't think he understands what that means, but he did not undertand what he did when he asked me to be his Promised. This seems to be the theme of us and it is fine. Two lives sharing one almost makes up for the last few weeks. I did not think I would find him when I came to this land. Sometimes I wonder if it was a nudge by gods or just chance. Either way, I am content. Need to pack my small things together and move into his space. Is silly to have seperate places now. The letters are getting easier. Not as fast as I like, but when I am better I will speak to Iona and asked to work under her. It will still be in the gym but maybe I can carry banages with me. Pink ones with little kittens on them would be nice. Maybe I can get those made.

[silentowlffixiv]

Spirits Unleashed

These last few days have been taxing. I'd much rather learn words. When I grew up, my clan would always warn about the spirits in the volcano. About how one day they would leave and cause trouble. I think maybe my ancestors scope was small. We assumed it was with the volcanos, but it was wider.

On the first day they warned us all to be careful how we though. That being sad would change us. I steeled my heart for what could com and wrapped it memories of comfort. Many people change. I watched one man shoot himself in the head so he would not change. Another spoke in my head. I think it was a lost child looking for their mother. Sleep is hard right now. I am not in dispare, but I am troubled. I wonder much about the world. How are the others doing? There is much talk about how others disappeared and resplaced by monsters. Is my clan well? I hold trust that they are, which is all I could do. If I set out the travel now it will take a week by boat and many more on foot to try and track them. I worry for my Mesa. He came with us on one day. Before he said he did not like fighting but he wanted to help. Part of me did not want him to go. I wanted him to stay home and be safe. But Mesa trusts me to come home when I go out so I gave him the same trust. The good warmth of his heart I didn't want to be dimmed. More worry. More trouble.

Maybe these spirits my ancestories worried for were not in the heart of the valcano, but in us. In the molten heart of all persons. I like to think this is why some Hellsguard left the Spine to find work across the world. That we felt the call to spread out and help those who needed it most.

This is a good thought I very much want to believe.

It has been time since I saw Roehs and Bryna. I will find them and make sure they are well. Mesa wants to help Bryna with her bonding ceremony. We talked about it at the beach. It is a fine thing to think on. Maybe I will take Mesa back there. Maybe he will let me kill the shark this time. I haven't had shark meat before.

[silentowlffixiv]

More Learning

Book club was good yesterday. We finished the last book in the series and are going to do something new. Frofro wanted to do a book with a word that is too big for me to remember. I asked someone and they said it was about plants. We did not have many plants on the Spine, so I think that will be a good book. Much to learn. But I don't think the choice is final. We will see. Stan wanted to do another book and did something to request it. I will find out in a few days.

I am still learning letters, but getting better. I can make more sentences, but they are all still short and are silly. Now I am trying to find more words. Maybe I will bother Mesa with helping me. He already does a lot for me.

My collarbone is much better. Now and then it aches, but the swimming and therapy Mesa showed me has helped. I will continue to work with it and train my body so the next time I will not be so hurt.

[silentowlffixiv]

Words are hard...

I went to Drama Club again. Normally I watch, but this time I joined. It was after watching Mesa go up and pretend to be a cat. It was very funny to watch. When I went up, I felt nervous because I was not use to it, but Mesa made it funny. He pretended to be a Miqo'te looking to make a new tribe and I was some monster hunting princess. I think it is ad-libbing? Not sure. But I did my best. If we do it again, I will be better since I know what to do.

Words are still hard to learn. I can do names and put more letters together in common to make short sentences. But they silly. Like 'The cat sat' and 'Ice is cold.' But I am still learning so silly is okay. Mesa said I could not help him in the gym until I learned how to write in Common.

I have more bracelet buckles to forge. Mesa liked his and I have not found Roehs to give hers. I will find her soon. Maybe she will help me with letters.

[silentowlffixiv]

Much Studying

I've spent much time trying to figure out these letters and make them into words. Common is still annoying, but I am learning. Today I learned how to make small words like cat, bat, and owl. The last one is my name in Common, so I thought it was important to learn.

I went to book club again yesterday. I have much to learn. This time I was confused about why the character wanted peace with dragons but always hated dragon land. It did not make sense to me to want something and hate it. But it seemed I was the only one who thought this. All others thought it normal to hate like that. I am not sure what to think. Troubled is a word.

Still have not been able to find Roehs. She is sneaky and hides well. It is almost like a game now. When will I find her? Will there be a prize? I made her a bracelet I want to give when I see her. I made a lot of bracelets the other day. Someone told me gift giving was okay in this place, so gifts I will give. They are all the cord bracelets I use to make with scrap cord. I hope everyone likes them.

I made them when Mesa and I went out. He was good and let me take him painting. I thought a new place would help him with his sunset. He painted and I did sunsets. It was nice. Kisses were extra.

[silentowlffixiv]

Fun and Games

Eorzean is complicated and I do not like learning it. There are letter shapes I keep mixing up based on who writes it. LIke C, D, and G are too close together in shape.

M and W are the same, but someone flipped one. Who did that? Was someone making letters and didn't know what to do with W so they reused M? It's dumb. I am still working on writing out the letters before making words. Maybe then I can understand what it is Ayazi is always writing on her cards she holds up.

I have not seen Roehs in a few days. I blame Mesa. But I miss Roehs and will try to find her soon. Last time I saw her was at book club where she wrote things in a book. Or drew? I am not sure. I do not think she knows Eorzean either. Maybe she does. She is much smarter than me.

Mesa took me to the Gold Saucer the other day. It was very bright and loud. The Gold Saucer is a place I will need to go to again. It was fun, but it is the noise and lights I want to get use to. It would be bad if I worked for someone and they needed to go there. But I had fun while we were there. He remembered I get sick on boats and airships and brought me something to take before we left. We had a talk about what to call each other. I can't look at him and think 'boyfriend.' He is not a boy and more than a friend. We found our word while waiting for the ship to arrive.

The games were like skill tests. It took getting us to, but now I have tokens and tickets to give for something. We didn't do all the games and will go back later to play more. I did win a bet with Mesa if I did better than him. It reminded me of how my family and I use to do things and made me smile.

I hope my family is doing well.

[silentowlffixiv]

War Strategy

There are many bards here. One ran the book club I went to. Mesa read the book to me so I could go and discuss the story. It was about a person who was at war with dragons, could speak to dragons, then did not want to go to war. It was a nice story, but not practical.

I wanted to know the actual reason for war. No one goes to war for dumb thing like hate. It may seed there, but there is a different motivation. Bards like to make stories to make war interesting but it is not interesting. It is savage. I think the person who wrote the book does not understand logistics of war. How much money, time, and resources go into it. And death. You cannot fight with the dead. Back on the Spine, some clans would fight and the wars lasted no more than a season. Either the losses would be high or the war cost too much. Some clans know going to war with twenty means you leave with ten. A high cost.

Book club mostly focused on bard aspect of war. The story made to make war less warlike. I think romantic is the word. I do not like it. War and fighting is not romantic. Many days I was grateful our clan leader did not seek conflict like other clans. Death is a waste. Killing another, no matter reason, is murder. I do not see point in ending a life to save a life. I will put a warrior down, but their life remains. There are other ways. If we are creative with how to be cruel, we can be creative with how to live. I wonder why we focus on harm first. Odd.

These are the things I thought on the last few days.

I gave Mesa a gift of brushes and canvas. He told me he learned to paint and still does. I remember the art in his room. He is always happy, but always sad. It is hard for me to say right now. I hope if I take him with me to new places and he captures them with his brushes it will help one his cracks. A few are fusing, but it does not feel done.

There is a new Halcyon member in the medical ward. Seer're said he and she are grounded. This means not allowed to leave the building. They tried to explain it but it sounded confusing so I stopped listening. I promised new person I would bring the stone game to play with them. I will try to find them today.

[silentowlffixiv]

Adjustments

I am not used to it here. My eyes still open at dawn to ready myself for patrol, but there is no patrol to do. I wake to sounds wondering if it is the start of the raid, but there are no raids. This clan doesn't travel. My feet have been so used to moving that remaining still leaves me restless. I've taken to training more. Mostly alone. Everything from hands to blade practice and then running the length of the Goblet a few times. It helps some. My collarbone feels better thanks to Seer-ree's balm and Mesa's forced rest. There was a fight in the Lounge the other day. I think back on it. I don't know who the small yapper that came in was, but that was what he reminded me of. Some small animal yapping at larger predators. I was told before to not act but to watch. So I watched. Ikamo was the one to bite first, taking a bottle and striking the side of the yapper's head. And then it was chaos and many stopped to gawk at the sight to the point where the staff stopped serving. I am not sure why. Fights are not new and they end in seconds. Many like to say they don't like fights but are quick to gather around them like bees to honey. When I think back on it, I think differences of between how Halcyon Clan resolves fights and how mine would. Halcyon's way is not bad. Guardians coming and removing a threat. The only difference I can think of is when there is heat between two people, they are expected to see it to the end. With words or fists. I am not sure which one is right. Life is violent.

I tried to serve one pay-tron at the bar and needed Roehs to help me. Bartending is scary. There are many bottles in different colors and I don't know what the letters on them mean. The more I see times I am held back by not reading common, the smaller I feel. There is a girl here that uses written words to communicate with us and I feel shame that I cannot read them. She moves her hands as well and that seems to mean something. Should I learn that? I told Mesa I would ask someone in Halcyon tribe to help me read. He would help me if I asked, but he already does much for me and I know I need to do more with his tribe. The scales between us do not feel even. I told him that and he laughed and said he didn't care.

Problematic male.

There is a female veira that saw me the other day after running the Goblet a few times. She asked if I did bodyguard work. I said I did and she asked to speak to me later. We exchanged names and separated. Not sure if I will go. People who need guarding are either running or attacking. My feet are restless.

[silentowlffixiv]

[silentowlffixiv]

Fishing and Ballons

I have not done much sleeping in the last few days, but that is my fault. Today I am finding places to nap like I did when traveling with my clan. It is easier now that I have asked for work from Halcyon. The talk with Scary Cas went--what word do I use? I am not sure. He is scary but in a way of not wanting to face him in battle. He is a silent walker like me. I see it in how his feet move and the way he looks at things. He is more skilled than me, I think. I do not want to find out. He said I could work at Halcyon as part of security. This is good. I don't cook, read, write, play music, or do anything else this city likes. Sometimes I feel small in what I can do. On the Spine, being strong and good at fighting were what mattered. Here, it doesn't.

What would Silent Wolf say? I miss my twin. Not any more than I miss the rest of my siblings, but I miss him more right now. How is my family doing? I wonder about them often. When I stepped on the boat, I knew it was the right thing to do. Like when it is time to remove a bandage from a healing wound so it can air out. Sometimes it takes a scab with it and it hurts, but that is for the best.

This place is still interesting, but I do not understand. And it is cold. Mesa took me to his favorite place and we fished together. I fished, he tried to fish. I almost thought to help him, but I am not sure if he has warrior's pride and wants to learn on his own. Next time I will ask. We fished, ate, talked, and stayed under the bridge until the sun went down. I was too cold to stay longer. And tired. It was a good memory. Maybe my favorite so far.

Mesa reminds me of a wedding Kintsu bowl right after breaking it. Shattered. That is what I thought when we first met. He felt shattered. He still does. Sometimes he does the smile I use to see on the widower in my clan. But I think he is putting his pieces together. Some would think I should be the one to fuse the parts, but it is Mesa. He would be stronger to it on his own. I do not want to fuse him, but I do want to fill his bowl like water. Would that make sense if I explained it to him? I am not sure. I don't think he would like I see this in him. He was much flustered when we met and I'd rather let him keep smiling. Will he let me see all of him one day?

Yesterday I tried to meet more of the Halcyon Clan. There are many individuals with words I don't know yet. I struggled to follow what was said. When I was asked to speak, the Ba-loon Woman put her dodo keeper on my lap. I did not like that. I tossed the dodo and Ba-loon Woman was angry at me. But then someone talked about boundaries to Ba-Loon Woman. Then she talked about other things. Seer-ree was upset and walked off to talk to a woman I have not spoken to yet. This clan is very big. All members are different I worry I will not be a good member. I will work harder.

Roshe noticed Mesa and I were close. She teased me in her silent way and then threatened me with her eyes. Maybe to warn me to not be mean to Mesa. Roshe is scary.

[silentowlffixiv]

Walking and Running

I revisited Mesa's tribe again, expect it is not a tribe, it is a company? But when I ask, they say they are like family. It is confusing. This land is confusing. I may be here for many summers and still not understand. Do others understand it? But I came to see Mesa after walking the city. I'd removed my sling since it would not be tolerated back home. There was only so long the group could be held up, so keep up or be left behind.

Mesa seemed concerned, but he was distracted. Kept talking back and forth about offending and respecting. Many words, much confusion for me. I thought after the last time he would understand my intentions to him. But he kept talking about respect and other things still. Maybe I did something to make him not feel sure. I didn't know what to say to be clear, so I kissed him. It worked and he seemed calmer. He commented we would walk and then promptly ran. It's was confusing. Exciting? I did not mind. While trying to understand, we went to see his tribe after giving me a linkshell.

There is a Lalafell named Frofroya asking about us. I commented about the linkshell and she said it was a good step. But then couldn't define what the other steps were. Maybe this land has a courting culture centered on movement? Walking, steps, what else? Maybe if I understand that, the rest will make sense.

It was a good gathering. Roehs was there and it made me happy to see her. She brought wine and we shared it together and watched Mesa's tribe. They are all different but mesh well. Or the ones I saw meshed well. Some tribes have the one grump surrounded by happiness. My brother is the grump. I hope he and my family are well. They will have moved since I last saw them.

A new face was there. Well, many new faces. One was Bryna. She is a Roegadyn that reminds me much of Mesa. Friendly and warm. I think I upset her at first meeting, she kept staring at me. There must be a custom I did not do, but I did the handshake. Maybe later I will ask Mesa. Bryna has a Miqo'te lover, but I did not get the name or speak much with them. I was distracted by a Vierra named Pee-bee. They also left their tribe. Their story is sad as she told me when they leave, they do not get to return. I would not leave my family if my option was not to return. Her choice made is hard.

And the Seer-ree is also angry at me. I could see it in her eyes when she saw me without my sling. I thanked her for balm but I could tell she was simmering at me. So I did the brave thing and hide behind Roehs. Small, angry people are terrifying. It is understandable why this Ul'dah is run by Lalafell. I must not anger the tiny ones.

Cute Lalafells, too. One was Canta. Very cute. It made me want to pick her up and hold her protectively. But I was told to not do this. I did not, but I wanted to. She has a gentle nature if judging by first words. It was a good night. When I was tired, I tried to leave. Mesa fussed like a mother bird with chicks. I did not mind and curled up on the floor of hutt. He fussed over that as well, but I told him it was fine and he let it be. His argument later for using beds was compelling. They are too soft. If I lay on them, I feel like I sink through the floor. Need to find my own hutt. Maybe I will do that today.

[silentowlffixiv]

Ash to Ash

I returned to Ul'dah with my job complete and a broken collarbone. The job was as I expected. I think the male who hired me wanted to get his family away from danger and it still followed. If they will be safe where they are, I am not sure, but that is not my concern. I hope them the best and that the wind blows at their back. Those who attacked me are still alive. I don't see the point in ending lives to protect lives if it is not wholly necessary. My eldest brother would call that a mistake. Father would be silent on the matter. I miss them.

My broken bone is set and mending. With it is limited work I can do until I've recovered. Or until I can hide the injury enough that no one will notice. I asked Mesa to help me since my younger sister is not present to assist with the process. I got him and Roehs a gift from the city I went to since I heard that is what friends do here. Mesa liked his gift and had one for me. Roehs I have not found yet, but I will.

If my brother was here, he would laugh at my attempts with Mesa. I fumble a good bit and my initial request for him to disarm me did not land as I hoped. I tried another way and that worked. Now there is a bit of his ash with me. My face keeps heating up when I think of it. The intention to come to this land wasn't for this, but I don't regret it. He is something special and I want to explore it. This bracelet he gifted me that he is embarrassed by is my favorite so far.

His tribe is very colorful. Many personalities and voices. But they all come together well, even if when they clash. It reminds me of when my sisters and I would brawl. All good intentions and bad approaches as mother would say. I see why Mesa calls this place his home. There is that element of family here in all aspects.

In this lull of work, I will need to find a place to find a group to work under. Freelancing is not a poor tactic, but I know the importance of having a collective mindset. I will keep my eyes open for opportunities.

[silentowlffixiv]

When path connect to create memories.

[silentowlffixiv]

A New World

The changes between here and the Spine are vast. Like the ocean. Even in this sea of sand I am in, I continue to marvel at the differences between home and here. All around me are a wash of faces rushing off like ants. This place of Ul'dah I call the Ant Mountain for now. It is a mountain of stone filled with people running, coming, going, and driven.

I am lost. Not just physically, but socially. The customs and culture here leave my head spinning.

In all of it, I've met a few I am close to befriending. Mesa is a mixture of spring sunshine and easy water. I am still not sure of his profession other than he helps others improve themselves with activity. I think he is this land's version of a matchmaker since he said he has a pole for sensual dancing. It was hard for me to follow. Maybe if I ask again with different questions. I would like to ask him more questions.

Roehs is another face, a sailor with a keen eye from what I could tell. She cannot speak but is able to convey much with her expression and body language. I am not sure if she likes me or not. I seem to be the target of much glaring. It seemed to ease the longer her, Mesa, and I continued to share food and drink. All I can think is I continue to act in a way not normal to this place. I hope to be better.

My job this time is escorting a woman and child. The husband told me the road was dangerous, but I think there is more to this. Sometimes it is good to know and not at others. Today is a day I choose to not know. If I can take mother and child to their destination, then that is good enough for me.

Should I bring back gifts?