mental illness blog

nothing fun is going on here just complaining you've been warned

[silverweedwasright]

I feel so alone and empty inside. It's hard to believe I'll ever be somebody's special someone. and I need it so bad. I need special attention. I need to be cared for.

I wanna cry my eyes out.

[homemadehorrors]

Tropigoat ☀️🌴🌊

[nyancrimew]

i'm not meanin to intrude on any good times or relaxation periods, but i was wonderin whether you really intend to stay so visible? i'm an american, but we're comrades-in-keyboards if you understand my meaning. how do you manage to stave off the paranoia? i can't seem to do anything with what i have as a result of mine, regardless of how well i stay out of the light. you're very inspiring !!!

ok so real talk for a second, i deal with really bad paranoia regularly, but i feel like part of what comforts me is precisely the fact that i am so visible, it gives me some sort of solace to know that people would notice if anything happened to me. that im public enough to talk about stuff to get help from my friends. and idk ive also made it sort of part of my mission to talk about just how much this scene (the hacking/hacktivist one) fucks with your mental health, and how much of that is purely because of (US) state repression. there is an entire talk by me about this, and hopefully the video recording of it can soon be fully public but yea. i am a lot more broken than i usually make it appear, and a lot of that is because i want to be a beacon of hope, not another burnt out broken activist who's already given up. a lot of this is spite. a lot of this is me being aware of my unique privilege of being mostly safe from extradition where i am. and im also just a fighter. i feel like i have to be a voice for those who cant talk, but a big part of that job is just being silly, and showing that we can, somehow, all get through this shit. like paranoia fucks you up, especially if you cant just rationalize it away because the fears a lot of activists have are very real, we operate under very real risks of very massive consequences and its very hard to just like, deal with that, but together we can, including everyone who doesnt (and shouldnt) show themselves out in the open so visibly.

[nyancrimew]

some of this is phrased a bit badly because i am tipsy, but its something thats very close to my heart and i hope it still comes across well enough

[silverweedwasright]

The experience of watching someone important's opinion of me withering before my eyes is so heartbreaking. I hate being misunderstood and the more I try to explain myself the worse it gets. My brain will try to convince me otherwise but Every Time it makes it worse. Every time it ends the same.

Why do i make the same mistakes over and over? Why can't I learn to be better? Why was i born such an idiot? What the actual fuck is wrong with me lol

I'm so tired of this I just want to be someone else

[silverweedwasright]

I'm like a robot if robots were designed to be stupid and evil

[silverweedwasright]

Ironically it's gotten to the point where theres nowhere left for the Bad Thoughts to go

[silverweedwasright]

I know no one wants to hear me rant about how much I hate myself so ill do it here.