things just needa chill

simping but make it documented on tumblr where no one really pays attention

[d0-n0thing]

[weltenwellen]

Louise Glück, from “Metamorphosis”, Poems 1962 - 2012

[youngandlearninghowtolive]

[vortexsophia-deactivated2022110]

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I got into a new grad RN program. I did it. Holy shit. I had confidence in myself and knew with no doubt that I would be working in a hospital and be in a new grad RN program but wow. It really is something else to have some outside clarification as well. I am proud of myself I am the reason I was accepted. My hard work and dedication surprise me sometimes because a lot of the time I feel I am not exerting as much effort as i should, sometimes i feel as if I am a slacker and that is the reason why some opportunities don’t come my way. I really am a force to be reckoned with. I have accomplished more than i could ever predict. I am a force of nature, with nature, with the universe.

I cannot say how thankful I am to the universe for sending me omens to go upon my Personal Legend. The fear of abandoning those we love, fear of failure, fear of realizing our dream, and fear of pursuing it. The news i received today of being accepted into the program was a physical reminder of my capabilities and my drive. I appplied, I went through the interview, I had the confidence.

Good omens, the law of attraction, and crystals have been something that are changing my philosophy, psychology, attitude, and the life around me. I am thankful for the abundance and prosperity I am experiencing and have been experiencing. It’s like recently my eyes finally opened up to the world around me to see what good there is and how the world wants people to be happy for eachother.

I feel that the past couple of days I have really grown emotionally. I am trying my hardest to let go of negative energy and resentment and instead use the tools I have to bring in forgiveness, love, and acknowledge that i may have insecurities but I do not give them the same power they used to have over me. I am now thinking consistent good thoughts so that they may come back to me and i can spread the abundance amongst the people I love around me. Time is definitely a mystery in which a day can become an hour or a week can become a month, but nevertheless change happens no matter what matrix time may be going through at the moment. The reality I knew yesterday was that I was going to go to work and then read, journal and manifest. Then go back home, shower, eat, pack lunch and repeat until Tuesday night which is my last day of work in the week. Applying to programs and thinking of the promising future. The reality I know today is that I now have a job in a hospital, I will go home tell Jordan, tell my family and go to sleep knowing a different path set out for me in life and also an end to my chapter at the spring hill suites shelter.

When you spend time around people frequently it feels as if they are a permanent in you life, but they really can become a stranger again in a day or couple of hours no matter how hard you want them to stay in your life. Though I still have a large amount of time (approximately 2 1/2 weeks left) at this shelter the people have become a great tool to teach me understanding, communication, trust, initiative, and friendship. I definitely won’t forget the faces even if the names disappear with time.

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I feel like a totally different person than I was when I was in school. In a good way. I’m learning to romanticize life again and i feel like it’s become my mission to make myself excited for little things such as, going to the store, cooking, reading, or drawing. It’s been really nice to learn more about the law of attraction and how that can change your life for the better. There are things that just make life easier and this is one of them. There is something special about the law of attraction that makes someone kinder to themselves.

Im learning to be kinder to myself and in turn that is helping me to learn to love myself and enjoy my own company. Today Jordan texted me that he wants to stay home tonite, instead of coming over once I get home and.... I feel okay about that. A little sad ofcourse because he is my anti-stress (sometimes) and I will be in a sense ‘alone’ tonite. The usual course of events would be that I pretend to be content with his decision and over convince myself that “he is tired and him staying home is justified” and what would make it worse is that he thinks that I am okay while I’m in my own head suffering with the insecurity that he is not coming over because he doesn’t love me and that is just false. It’s weird that after I admitted that as an insecurity I am coincidentally free from its isolating grip. It’s okay to feel that way but at the same time I am more willing to initiate self-love instead of self-destruction.

Growth. Like really. I feel that before, even just recently like last week, that I would journal as a victim and in some cases the instance was justified. But now, I see that i was attracting that through the law of attraction. Now I am attracting what I want instead of ‘don’t want’. Ive really seen a difference. As sappy as that seems I see it and I will soon hold it in my hands.

Being enveloped in the the law of attraction and crystals has done me more good than the 23 years of Catholicism I’ve had. It truly is eye opening what is out there. Taking things with an open mind and categorizing “good or bad” for later and instead taking it as “neutral” first.

I really feel good things coming and the good things that are already here. I wish that the world may experience the good I have and more. The good of all to the harm of none. May we all be well, May we all be healthy, May we all be happy.

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11:10pm

I’ve been thinking about me and jody having a baby recently because I’m learning about OB in school rn and it seems so endearing to be taking care of a baby with someone else, that would be the ultimate collab. 

We just had our 19 monthsary and I feel so in love. I still feel the same way I did when we first started going out and we were up late texting every night and getting to know each other. It feels like the first time~~~ We’re really sexually compatible too. He always wants me to cum first and always says he loves me during, which I thought was so mushy and vanilla at first but, I love it now. Especially when he kisses my forehead and holds me. I like that we both have physical touch as our primary love language because it makes me feel loved and close to him. For example, when we’re hanging out with a group of friends or out eating he hold my hand or holds me close and kisses my forehead.

I feel so grateful for him. He is so patient with me. I can be passive aggressive without even considering if he’s even at fault or not but, he still is just as loving and understanding with me. That’s what I love about jody he is happy and doesn’t take anything personally which is something I have to work on. 

I love the way he looks into my eyes. I can see an image in my head that I try to take a mental screenshot of every time he makes this look. His eyes go soft and sparkly. His eyelashes are long, dark brown and curly. His freckles are dotted all over his face and his cheeks are red and flushed. His mouth is curled at the edges and this makes his cheeks chubby and round and so kissable. 

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6:49am

About to be done with this shift. To pass the time I just been doing assignments I was able to finish a research paper, a review paper, a discussion board done oh my goodness. I feel productive but I feel sad because I feel like I’m self-sabotaging myself. 

I looked at Jody’s likes. I do this sometimes, not all the time but sometimes. I don’t know what comes over me sometimes. Maybe its just the need to know since I don’t think he thinks that I check. It just makes me a lil like “aw” sometimes when I see him like a beautiful girls picture and she has a nice body and doesn’t use much makeup. And they always have nice af eyebrows idk why tf that makes me insecure kinda funny actually lol. So, its that but also me feeling bad that I don’t have the self-esteem I always promote to feel good about myself and not compare myself to other pretty girls. I feel like a fraud sometimes that I pretend I’m a lot of things. I pretend I’m smart that I have a high self-esteem and no boy can put me down and that I have everything under control. Maybe its better for me to pretend this way so that I better myself I’ll work hard to fully believe it. 

I am hard-working, I am smart, I am beautiful and have nice brown glowing skin, I have good eyebrows from my mom and dad, I am persistent, I am empathetic, I am a moderate weight, I have an adequate cardio tolerance and work out more than most, I am the best possible version of myself at the moment and it’s only going to get better but I need to work hard and love myself. 

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1:00am

I have been feeling more and more myself. But, it was hard. October 21 my parents left for a trip to Chicago to celebrate my dad passing his nursing exam. It was an overnight trip so I decided it was a perfect opportunity to sleepover at Jodys house. 

I have a strong intrinsic feeling feel independent and in charge of my life. I know that this characteristic is very self-sabotaging to me. And I feel responsible for the following event due to my immaturity and insecurity. 

My sister and I both left the house. I was scared and thought that for some reason she would tell my parents I was leaving so I left swiftly and did not tell her. I went to dinner with Jody in Sawtelle. On the way back I got a call from my sister that jack was dead, she found him in the backyard and he was attacked by coyotes. I was in denial I thought she was joking to get me home, sadly she wasn’t. 

I feel like I let Jack down. He loved when I came back home, even if he only saw me for a second before going back into the house. He loved going on walks and never got tired even though he was 12 and even if I walked him for hours. He never bit me, he liked to cuddle, he would whine in the backyard at precisely 4 or 5 during the summer to tell me its time to walk, he had stinky breath, he had two lil curly cowlicks on his booty, he had very strong leg muscles, his fur was very soft, he hated showers but loved smooshing his head into the towel to dry his head, he loved eating blankets, when he slept he either made a dog-nut shape or and eggplant shape. 

I want him to to know that I’m so sorry, that he gets lots of walks in heaven with Miming, that I love seeing him in my dreams, and that I’ll see him again one day. 

I imagined that when Jack passed away that I would be there for him so he wouldn’t be scared. I love u buddy <3 

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6:07pm

me tuned into a we. we were snap chatting late into the night and it was fun and he brought up that some food would be good rn cus he was hungry and I forget what food that was but I said that some soft serve ice cream from McDonald's would be great and he agreed. the next snap he sent was that we should go get some and that he would be down to pick me up but made a point that I wouldn't be up for it anyways. in my head I was thinking "HA U THOUGHT CHALLENGE ACCEPTED" and so he was on his way to pick me up and I was commencing ninja mode. sneaking out was way easier than I thought but I was worried at times if my mom or dad God forbid tried to check on me like they do occasionally. so I was walking down the hill to the gate in my socks (no shoes cus those would make noise from what I was thinking at the time lol). and as I got out of the gate I realized that I was going to be getting ice cream of all things with my ex at 1 in the morning. what was I doing?? I was standing thee excited and nervous and all kinds of paranoid. he pulls up to the gate and I sprint in not knowing if there would be any awkward pauses o uncomfortable moments. I got in that truck out of sheer impulse and hoped for the best. as we were driving conversation started instantly about how I actually did it and that we were risking get in big trouble for some ice cream. was it really just for the ice cream or to see eachother with an excuse? the first McDonald's we came to was closed the second was also closed and the third one was open but then we found out they stopped serving ice cream after midnight. lesson the week: McDonald's has a bunch of rules you don't know about till you have to learn the for yourself haha so he parked and at this point I was thinking "well I guess I go home now without ice cream oh well" but then he suggested that we do something else. I barely clicked onto Yelp when he said "ohhh! I know"

03/13/19

3 years later I’ll finish this story.

He drove north towards Castaic Lake and parked on the viewpoint. I played Mac DeMarco and all of a sudden he tries to kiss me, but before he can I pull back and say, “What does this mean?”. I don’t remember if he answered but we kissed and we dated again. 

He ended up breaking up with me 04/09/18 and two weeks later I get introduced to the man who I am currently dating. 

Things have happened since then such as nursing school, new friends, starting birth control, my first precious doggie dying, a job at chipotle, a current job at a hospital as a patient sitter, new car no more Patrick the prius, and a new found love of painting I don’t get to practice as often. 

[adhighdefinition]

i am… how u say… not good at handling any kind of rejection

[caitlinfrisk]

I hope you all fall in love with someone who never stops choosing you and I hope you feel at home when you look at them

[v171]

Here’s your reminder that relationships are extremely difficult. the delusion that you are going to find that person who you move into a small apartment with and read books all day and cook naked and cuddle with and play footsie under the table with is a gross romanticization of reality.

You’re going to have great times in a relationship. You’re going to go on fun dates and have great sex and hot make out sessions. But you’re also going to fight. You’re going to be in that weird stage where you like them more than they like you or vice versa and that’s going to hurt. You’re going to have to deal with jealousy and insecurity. You will have to deal with boredom in the relationship. You’re going to be too busy for them or accidentally hurt them. And you are going to have to deal with a few break ups before you find that right one.

A relationship is not going to solve all of your problems. It’s not going to suddenly make you happy. It isn’t easy. They are much harder than being single. Relationships are an unbelievable amount of work and effort and compromise and it’s not always going to be perfect. But the effort you put into it is what make it worth it. Because you fought and worked hard for this person and hopefully they did the same for you. So remember that.

[nekoonaut]

[lowkeyblue]

[simpin-pimp]

3:31am

hot minute

- melv broke up w me 

-talking to a white boi named jordan

-tryna  love myself more n more

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oops its actually 3:00am

i don’t know i feel uneasy/sad i feel like it may be the lack of reciprocity. you lacked enthusiasm today and i know that it may be unrealistic to expect that every time we talk but, i deserve that. i love you i just feel sad that i didn’t get the attention i wanted. you’re going through personal stuff though and you haven’t told me yet, i say yet because, i know you’ll tell me when you’re ready. thinking of different viewpoints, thats what voolet said i should do when she read my tarot cards for me today at the christmas party. so, i will think about what you’re going through right now instead of being a self-pitying pussy. i love you and im here always.