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Men Need to Be More Whimsical

I think men need to be more whimsical. Not less masculine, ambitious, competent. Just… more whimsical. It is such a funny word for such a serious problem. Whimsical people collect flowers because they are beautiful, not because they have somewhere to put them. They stop to watch sunsets. They buy socks with ducks on them because life is already difficult enough. They dance badly in the kitchen.…

People Make Different People of Us

I don’t think there is one version of me. I think there are hundreds. Some have never met each other. Some probably wouldn’t even recognize each other. The woman who writes these essays is not the same woman my mother knows. The girl who buys sukuma wiki from my mama mboga is not the same one strangers know as SimplyMwanza. The sister my siblings call when life falls apart is not the friend who…

Women are not Picky Enough

I know. That is probably not the sentence you expected. For years the conversation has gone in the opposite direction. Women are too picky. Women’s standards are too high. Social media has convinced us that every woman is waiting for a six-foot man with six figures, a six-pack, emotional intelligence, a backyard, and enough money to buy flowers every Friday. It is an interesting story. I’m just…

None of it is Perfect, but all of it is Beautiful.

There is a quiet relief in admitting this: none of it is perfect. Not our lives, not our choices, not our relationships, not even the versions of ourselves we worked so hard to become. Perfection is a language we borrow from distance, from fantasy, from hindsight. Life, up close, is textured. Frayed. Inconsistent. And yet astonishingly beautiful. We are taught to look for beauty in completion.…

You Never Lie About Rape/Sexual Assault

Sexual assault is one of those things that is so horrific that the bar is almost embarrassingly low, yet somehow you are among the lucky ones if it has never happened to you. Think about that for a second. We don’t call people lucky because they won the lottery. We call them lucky because they have never had to survive one of the most violating experiences a human being can endure. That alone…

Women Are the Prize Men Are Promised to Keep Them Compliant in the Patriarchy

I have always been fascinated by the promises we make to children. Not the obvious ones. The ones disguised as advice. Study hard. Get a good job. Buy a house. Become successful. Then… You’ll get the girl. I don’t remember exactly when I first heard it, but I know I have heard versions of it my entire life. Sometimes it was said as a joke. Sometimes by uncles. Sometimes by movies. Sometimes by…

First You Make Choices, Then the Choices Make You

I used to think life was made up of big decisions. Who you marry. What degree you study. Where you live. Whether you have children. The kind of career you build. The dramatic decisions. The ones people clap for. The ones you announce on Instagram with a photo dump and a thoughtful caption about “new beginnings.” Now I think I was looking in the wrong place. I don’t think our lives change because…

You Don't Have to Be Strong, But It Helps...

One of the greatest lies we tell people who are grieving is that they have to be strong. I have heard it at funerals. In hospital corridors. After breakups. After job losses. After someone says, “I don’t know how I am going to survive this. Be strong.” As though strength is something you can borrow from the cupboard before leaving the house. As though the body, after being broken, naturally knows…

Everyone Walks With Poo in their Pants

Everyone walks with poo in their pants. I know it is a ridiculous image to begin with, but stay with me. Everyone has either been shit, been through shit, or, if you are lucky enough to have lived long enough, both. There is no way of escaping it. Somewhere along the journey of becoming human, life hands you a story you would rather not tell. A decision you wish you could take back. A version…

The Fear of Losing is Often Worse Than Losing

I don’t think I am afraid of losing. I think I am more afraid of the possibility of losing. The waiting room before the result. The space where hope and dread are both alive, both demanding your attention, and your nervous system doesn’t know which one to prepare for. Maybe that is why anticipation is more exhausting than disappointment ever could. The obvious example I always think about is…

Do Controversial Things When You are Calm and Regulated

There is a misunderstanding about controversy. We think it belongs to chaos, raised voices, emotional crescendos, moments where something finally snaps. But the most consequential, world-shifting, relationship-altering things are rarely born in disorder. They are born in stillness, clarity, a body that is not fighting itself. Do controversial things when you are calm and regulated. Not because…

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Heroes are Villains in Someone Else's Story

History is rarely a clean line between good and evil. It is a room full of mirrors, and where you stand determines what you see. Heroes, almost always, are heroes from somewhere. And that “somewhere” matters more than we like to admit. Every story crowns its own saviors. Every nation tells itself a version where it survives by virtue, not by violence. This isn’t always malicious, it’s human. The…

Regression to the Mean

There is a statistical principle called regression to the mean. It says that extremes, very good or very bad outcomes, tend not to persist forever. Over time, things drift back toward the average, the extraordinary settles, unbearable eases because balance is stubborn like that. When something terrible happens, it feels permanent. Like it has redefined the ceiling and the floor of your life…

Love is not Permanently Gifted. It is Loaned.

For a long time, I thought love was something you owned by proximity. If I stayed long enough, if I showed up correctly, if I was unforgettable in the right soft ways, then love would settle on me like a permanent address. Last year, I watched my friends grow closer to other people and felt something quietly bruise inside me. Not jealousy of the people themselves, but grief for the space I…

I want Someone Who Suffers Well

I have a confession that probably sounds a little unhinged. I think one of the most attractive things a person can possess is the ability to suffer well. Not intelligence. Not beauty. Not ambition. Not even kindness, although that one comes close. Suffering. Or rather, the way someone carries it. I know that sounds strange because nobody actually wants to suffer. We spend our entire lives trying…

You Lose 100% of the Shots You Don't Take

Somewhere between heartbreak and boredom, I accidentally fell in love with football again. Not the noise, the commentary, the patterns, the discipline, the quiet, stubborn courage of trying again after being blocked in public. And somehow, without intending to, I replaced men with about forty or so beautiful, committed boys and girls from Arsenal F.C. and Arsenal W.F.C., and the game began…

I Want To Be An Athlete When I Grow Up

I know. I am old enough to know better and young enough to keep hoping. I have seen people do it before. Ordinary people. Extraordinary people. Turns out the gap between the two is often just endurance. So yes, I still think I have time. Not to play professional football. To become an athlete. I have been watching football differently lately. Most people watch the goals. Others watch the…

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