A Simblr guide to emotional control and dealing with criticism and drama
As someone who has actively practiced emotional control for over a decade in a very no-nonsense-no-excuses way to get rid of toxic behaviours, I think Simblr could benefit from a few tips; a sliver of emotional control could solve most issues that blow out of proportion on here. This is aimed at everyone across the breadth of identity and mental health experiences and neurodivergence etc, including the person reading this. Under the cut:
First off: half-hour rule. Do not touch your phone OR your keyboard for half an hour after you read drama or criticisms that make you very, very angry. Being under the influence of strong negative emotions will skew your train of thought and make you come out with shit that doesn't help anyone most of the time. Things are easier to deal with when your emotions are more settled. If it takes longer than half an hour to calm down, then take longer.
You also have to learn to try and identify irrational thought processes as well as general rage responses, they are equally as unhelpful to you. Yes I know this is more difficult to do with certain mental conditions, but I cannot account for the unique mental state of every reader.
You also HAVE to face your own shitty behaviour head-on. You will be tempted to excuse your behaviour for multiple reasons - don't. Don't excuse your behaviour, and don't deflect either. Whether or not there are reasons for what you said or did, the reality is that you still did it. Do not accuse people of bigotry unless they are genuinely being bigoted towards you.
Everyone with the capacity to KNOW better needs to learn to DO better. It doesn't help worrying about what kind of reception you get - the internet mob will do as it will, all you can control is your own response to criticism.
Remember that the point of an apology is not to make people like you again, it is to take accountability for poor behaviour. Apologies mean nothing if you are not going to follow them up with improved behaviour.
Yes your apology may NEVER be good enough for some people, but again, worrying about reception won't help you. Apologies are accountability for behaviour, there is no expectation upon the other party when you apologise. You may not be forgiven for your mistakes.
Don't sit there expecting people to say 'It's okay bb nothing is ever your fault!' or expecting immediate forgiveness and then lashing out when they don't. You have to sit with the fact that sometimes things ARE your fault yes even if you have trauma or mental health issues. 'Hurt people hurt people' and hurt people still have to take responsibility.
Keep apologies focused entirely on what you did wrong and the harm you caused, and how you plan to fix these issues going forward. Don't be tempted to blame your accusers for rightfully calling you out on what you did. Also, people may block you. People are allowed to curate their space. Don't make them about your feelings instead of the other person's. I don't think it's bad to say something like 'sorry, I lashed out because I was stressed / overwhelmed' but don't make the whole thing entirely how you feel about the criticism of your behaviour.
Do not manipulate the feelings of other people. ANYONE can be a manipulator! Being a manipulator is not something limited solely to shitty exes and middle-aged fathers. Forcing people into a corner where all they can do is agree with your poor behaviour or they'll end up looking like the bad guy is manipulation. Trying to make the victim of your poor behaviour out to be the one at fault is manipulation. You can't force people to feel a certain way about your own poor choices, no matter how much you want to.
So we've discussed the accused, now let's move on the accusers, and let's learn when to ditch the torch-and-pitchforks mentality when we come across poor behaviour in the community.
You have to evaluate when anger and callouts are actually needed, such as with repeated proven horrible behaviours, dangerous behaviour, prejudice, harassment etc. And the opposite - when less severe issues arise where you can just block them or be like 'look, what you did isn't right'.
First off, ask yourself, 'is this person REALLY a bad person or do I just not vibe with them / their content?'
If you are criticising poor behaviour, keep the focus on the poor behaviour - DO NOT use it as an excuse to be bigoted against their marginalised identity. And don’t try and cloak bigotry in progressive buzzwords, either. Don't get tempted to 'dunk on' people, just keep it focused on what they have done wrong.
To be honest, I completely understand WHY people have the torch-and-pitchforks mentality. Nobody wants to be accused of ignoring an issue, after all, or not being angry enough. It only makes sense that the expectation to speak up and do enough about a bad person or situation bleeds over into fandom in a way that actually ends up being unhelpful.
It’s also worth mentioning that like any other fandom, people tend to disproportionately jump down the throats of autistic people, trans people, and mainly people of colour, especially Black or Arab simmers in my experience of being on Simblr. I've had people tell me 'not to make it about race' on here last time I mentioned this, but clearly it plays a part when it happens in every single fandom.
Ask yourself: - would I write the callout post in this way if the person responsible for the behaviour is a cis white neurotypical man? Would I be more understanding and forgiving to a privileged person? - Why am I angrier at a marginalised person than I would be at a privileged person?
You should not treat people with more vitriol than you would a more privileged person. No-one is immune from being criticised, but you need to not treat marginalised people with more shit than you'd give to someone more like yourself. Bigotry is still bigotry, even when it's covert, even when someone has done something wrong. And I should not have to say this, but do not call people slurs against their marginalised identities either, INCLUDING if you are overall less privileged than that person.
Do not be tempted to post anons' (or anyone else's) speculation about drama situations that cannot be proven. I remember back when a troll Simblr blog was being awful to everyone, and someone on here posted anons' speculations about who was behind the account with zero proof. Don't do that. I recommend not sending death threats to people either, they don't solve anything, nor do they say anything about the behaviour of the other person really, and then they can use that against you to make you look like the worse person and escape accountability.
Sometimes there will be a point where no amount of civil discussion will get through to people. At that point, I recommend just blocking. Sometimes there's no point in cyclic discussions. You're always going to encounter people who cannot listen to reason or refuse to do anything about their behaviour and you may as well just block.
Emotional control is difficult to work on. It's not easy but you still need to work on it for the benefit of yourself and others. Sometimes, you gotta give yourself a necessary kick up the ass and practice self-evaluation, especially within our Sims fandom space where so many issues can be solved by taking a moment to figure stuff out before speaking.
