A Not so small first post
I read somewhere that online blogging or just keeping a journal anonymously can help, what's to lose if I give it a shot?Â
Sometimes, I feel worthless. Or like an ugly waste of space. And recently it has been building up, a lot. A lot of times, I just automatically assume everything is my fault. My friends have been pushing away from me because of my state of mind. I wish I could say things verbally as well as I can write them down when I talk to people about my feelings. But I do have suicidal thoughts, and they are hard to explain. The pain of hurting myself gets the emotion out of my head. People have suggested therapists, and one of my friends went behind my back and told a counselor to talk to me. I do not know which one of my friends did this, but I have a strong intuition. The thing is, I know whoever did set up the appointment had seemingly good intentions, but if they listened to anything I have said, expressing my feelings verbally to anyone can give me more anxiety than keeping them bottled up in my head. I know that it is most likely that no one is going to read this, because readers probably want a story, not a journal on my personal life. But, if there is anyone out there reading this, comment something, anything. Anything that you think might help me.
I will try to start from where I remember it starting. I have always not been satisfied with how I look, and I know you readers won't know what I look like, I am simply stating how I think. And for a while, I had a close friend who helped me out of it, we will call them Haven, because of how safe I felt with them. Haven is beautiful, and I have known them for 5 years. They helped me for a while, made me feel beautiful too. Not more than they were of course, that beauty most come from another realm. But I stopped harming myself, and I was starting to become more positive about myself. I've known for a while that I was Pan-sexual, and I felt an attraction to Haven. I told them how I felt, they remained neutral. I took this in stride, unlike past confessions, I was not shot down.Â
Another friend, which we will call Riley, whom I have known for 3 years. I am also very close with them. I keep a small group of tight knit friendships. I never said anything to anybody else about how I thought I was feeling about Haven. Riley, confessed to me that they liked Haven (Where is my reality T.V. show contract..?). This sounds like a plot for one of those teen fictions you would find in that one section of a book fair. I supported them. Smiling, pushing them forward, like always. Riley got the suspicion something was up because of how I act, and how I have always acted around Haven. It seems that Riley had not noticed how I had acted for the past 3 years around Haven until she started to believe she had feelings for Haven. Now, Riley does not have that much experience with things like this, so I suppose the only direction they have is from Wattpad or soap-opera teen shows. I believe that due to this lack of realistic knowledge,they started acting childishly jealous.
Haven, Riley, and I are in a group chat together with two of my other friends. I openly talk about my anxiety and how I think about myself in this chat, as to request for help or just explain why I act the way I do (The way I carry myself, and to explain the murmurs I whisper under my breath when I mention how clothes would not look pleasing on me etc.). Eventually, Riley messaged me off to the side and, from my perspective, and summed up said that the way I fill every conversation with how I feel is selfish, and that they (Riley) didnât want to put up with it anymore. That was about a month ago, and the weight of her glares and childish cold shoulder are building up on me. I told Haven vaguely what was happening, avoiding actually telling them what was happening. Haven figured it out.
The situation continued to grow worse, I could not focus on anything productive. All the help Haven had given me in building a positive mind and mentality fell over. I returned to my depressed state, which comes with a short temper in my circumstances. I ended up pushing away Riley farther and my other friends. Haven was concerned until someone told her she shouldnât be involved in this kind of situation. Haven also is Pan-sexual, and this someone told them that Haven was just confused. Now Haven has pushed away from me, and those other two friends? Well I suppose majority rules in this friends group of 5. The sob story continues as my heart feels like it has been ripped out, and I donât have an appetite or any motivation.Â
Seems like it is true, typing it out lifts some weight. Well, persons of Tumblr, If you have feedback or suggestions, feel free to comment.
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