today on the train home the guy next to me was on his phone and at one point i saw him go on tumblr and he just had like. a normie dash. like it was all photography. of nature and architecture. he was using tumblr the way a heterosexual landscaper for rich people might use instagram. i actually had to watch his screen for a few seconds to be sure it really was tumblr because i was so taken aback by the content he was viewing. this is why algorithmless websites are so beautiful btw because i genuinely didn't know that this side of tumblr even existed. he didn't even so much as scroll past any text posts.
Your mother warns you about love. She tells you it will leave you hollow. You think she loved the wrong man. You think it will be different for you. And one day you will meet him, and your desire for him will haunt you till you cannot bear to be away from him. Nothing prepares you for what happens next. Love will come for you like a forest fire. And you will open your arms to it and him. You will take his burning even as you become ashes, but what good are ashes to a flame? When he is done, he will leave you in ashes and sorrow. And just like your mother, you will learn the more you give, the more love will leave you hollow. You will join the long legacy of women who warn their daughters about love.
Sometimes I think about how beautiful it is that humans sing despite it all. That through suffering, we still sing. How even on the worst of days in the world, there were still people singing. The way a mother sings a lullaby to her crying baby to soothe her. Or the way sailors sang sea shanties out even on choppy oceans to build a sense of familiarity and camaraderie as they worked. Or how even in the depths of the earth, coal miners sing. Isnāt that the most beautiful thing about the human spirit? That we found a way to reach each other in the darkness. To let each other know through song, that do not worry, I am here. Let us sing together and ease each others fears.
My protection order was extended as I hoped. He didnāt show to the hearing and I got most of what I requested. It feels kind of surreal, but this is a good first step. I also finally got an attorney on the phone to start the divorce process, hopefully very soon.
The more days behind the better. Today was stressful, but I got it down. I got this.
Ive been forgetting to take my SSRIs this week. Iām having a lot of otherwise blocked memory recall from high school and a little before.
Sometimes I forget where I came from. Probably on purpose because now Iām depressed.
ā¦ Iām confused about how far Iāve come and where I actually am. I donāt define myself but my past, yetā¦ when I remember itā¦ it defines me. It chips away the extra Iām always confused about. But it hurts like hell.
Iāve been taking a break from posting to process. Abusive relationships really do fuck with your head. It can take months if not years to truly get a grip on the situation and whatās real or not. ESPECIALLY if you have to continue to deal with that person (due to a child or other impossible circumstances).
But if you get enough space for long enough you WILL see.
I went no contact with my ex with the exception of him asking about our daughter.
I did this because of the suicide threat I posted about. I realized he was doing this as a manipulation tactic.
I told him I would take legal action if he didnāt stop messaging me unless it was about our daughterā¦ he did not stick to that and he told me I could keep her and find her a new dadā¦ (fun side note his new gf is pregnant)(also, that message was spurred because I logged him out of my Disney+ account that his gf was using and I could tell he wasnāt the one choosing to watch Nanny McPhee or Patch Adamsā¦).
So I ignored all messages after that, which included death threats to anyone who comes near me or my daughter (because āa friendā confirmed a made a tinder account). THEN he started saying he wanted to see our daughter and said he was just gonna show up at my house to see her, which scared the shit out of me.
After the death threats I filed a VPO and got him served.
Then his gf messaged me saying she understood Iāve had a hard life but Iām petty and she understood why he treated me the way he didā¦ saying me and all the baby mamas didnāt know how to treat a manā¦ and she āliterallyā brings out the best in him. Heās a different person nowā¦ and Iām a selfish person for keeping my daughter away from someone who genuinely loves his daughterā¦
Iām still processing, but mostly Iām grateful Iām not her anymore. Sad for her. Angry at him. Sometimes still scared of what he will do to get to me mentally/emotionally.
The further this is in the past the better. Iām taking the necessary stepsā¦ but itās still bewildering that people will really start harassing and turn on the actual victim. His mom also messaged me about him seeing our daughter. She hasnāt given me the time of day otherwise.
Iām trying to live my life like normal and get my rhythm back. This doesnāt need to get me off balance any more than it already did.
It doesnāt feel great, but I think itās a good signā¦ Iām starting to have dreams about him. Usually when I dream about someone in a certain way it helps me process whatās going on.
Yesterday I had to pay our old apartment bill for all the damages (2 more months of that)ā¦ it was a beautiful sunny day with a little breeze. It reminded me of when we first moved in. I was only a few months pregnant, so in love, and so happy. I was finally able to access that memory and feel it. I cried driving away. I didnāt want to leave.
It all helps. Itās another layer of the grief.
Nothing is even close to how things were then and they never will be with him again. And thatās ok. But itās also ok to miss it and wish I could somehow get it back.
Iāve been waiting and hoping for this milestone in the process. Itās not easy, but I can start grieving more fully now.
Iām feeling super pitiful. Itās his bday. I broke no contact to ask if he wanted to see his daughter. He responded with a flat ānoā. Iām wearing the huge hoodie thing I bought for his bday a month in advance.
Soā¦ instead of be pitiful 100 percent I am going to write out my second prompt I made for myself.
2. What do I want my life to look like?
Not this lmao
Okay, okayā¦ I had to.
Iād love to wake up knowing Iām working towards my goals every day; to feel calm and purposeful.
I want to have good people and good energy around me, not worried about drama popping up or what people really think or feel.
Ideally I would balance work, self/health, family, and friends. If we are being hopeful, Iād love to be a SAHM or work very part time or a job that has high flexibility.
I want to go out into nature, even when itās overcast and rainy. I want to feel free to do these plans on the fly again like I used to. Invite people and just do it.
Overall a sense of freedom and positivity is very important to me.
Hereās a breakdown of some goals:
ā¢ school: finish bachelors degree in 3 years or less and start professional career.
ā¢ living: move into own home or better space in 5 years or less.
ā¢ fitness: small, effective workouts 3 times a week. Iām talking 15-20 minutes. Or spread out over the day if necessary. Can be subbed for hikes or active days
ā¢ social: two kid-free nights a month. Two plans with friends a week (might be ambitious)
ā¢ mommy: 2-3 core books we always read at least once a week that promote empathy, problem solving, our bond, and confidence.
ā¢ personal: therappppyyyy once a week. 1-3 books a month. Scheduled self care at least once a week (hair or face mask. Meal prep. Something that takes some extra time that I usually skip). Decorate and own mine and my daughters space - make it HOME.
ā¢ work: attendance nearly spotless and time off accrued to a substantial amount. Apply for higher position after 4-6mos of this. Goal is by end of year.
ā¢ dating: none šš jokes. Ready to start thinking about it seriously in 6 mos. After progress in other areas, especially therapy and mommy.
Thatās all I got for now! Iāll come back and add if I think of more ā¤ļø this definitely helped me today.
Side noteā¦ I actually do want another child š„ŗ but at 32 and having to start from scratch Iām just not sure if it will work out and Iām not about to rush or just have one to have one. But I said the same thing about having even one. Life will unfold š
