SINK

single income, no kids

[singleincomenokids]

When we get married it will be ‘ne plus one ultra,’ the ultimate plus one.

[singleincomenokids]

Hurricane #27

S: Why isn’t Hurricane Hermine named Hermione? J: I thought the same thing! I've never met anyone named Hermine. When do you think they will get on twenty-teen-ish hurricane naming, like Hurricane Kayden, Jayden, Jaylin, Apple, etc.? S: LOL, yeah, Hurricane Madison. J: When they get over Z, does it go to AA? Like Hurricane Aase. That would be Danish. ... I guess Aaron could work. S: It would be called Hurricane AAPOCALYPSE spelled with two As, because 27 hurricanes in a year... DAMN. J: Yeah, end of the world.

[singleincomenokids]

Funfetti Sex Reveal

S: I would like a funfetti Smith Island Cake. Wouldn’t that be divine? J: Oh, yeah! Let’s commission one. S: Maybe the layers can alternate frosting and fondant. That could be fun.  J: Yeah, and maybe the main cake can have our initials inside somehow so when they cut it open it will reveal our monogram.  S: LOL, yes! Like a “gender reveal” cake... which should still be called sex reveal, since gender is a social construct.  J: Yeah, for whatever reason. S: I was just thinking that if I ever have a baby, I hope it’s a boy. Then at the “gender reveal” party I can use bachelorette stuff like penis straws.  J: Haha, it’s a boy!!

[singleincomenokids]

"A Salt"-ing My Intellect

J: I literally can not believe this is a real thing http://bugasalt.com/ All it is for is shooting flies!? Who needs that??!! S: Rednecks. J: OMG I am in disbelief. Like that parents might give that to kids. It shoots table salt. S: Maybe I can use it with Magic Unicorn salt. I can put my eggs in the living room and shoot salt from the kitchen. J: A quick way to garnish deviled eggs... S: Yeah, flourish. J: The Salt Terminator: "See you in hell, bland foods!" ... This country is so fucked.

[singleincomenokids]

Colonial Brexit

S: Happy Original Brexit Day!  J: LOL, yeah, bye UK assholes. Learn to spell color right, etc.  S: Hahaha, I love that we already Brexited 240 years ago. Trendsetters. 

[singleincomenokids]

Pharoahccino

S: “Starbucks Gold status is ridiculous. I now have Gold status until mid-2017...” J: “I have it until mid-2018... #gold4lyfe Bury me with my Gold card.” S: “You will be buried with your Gold card. Like the mad basic version of King Tut. Gold, Gold card... Same.” J: “That basically sums up my life.”

[singleincomenokids]

Flamethrower

S: Remember when we were thinking about what we could do to show a bear you are human? J: Yes S: While watching Michael Pollan’s ‘Cooked,’ they pointed out humans are the only animals that use fire [to cook food].

So maybe you could light a fire if you had a bear run-in.

Or maybe just carry a flamethrower and shoot it at the bear.  J: Yeah, that is high level.  S: I have had this in the back of my mind to tell you for, like, five days. J: Yeah, just carry a flamethrower and other simple solutions. S: I haven’t seen The Revenant, but I bet a flamethrower would have thwarted all of Leo’s bear problems.

[singleincomenokids]

Dumb As A Box of Coal

J: [Coal miner] is probably not into subscription boxes, though they could have some good coal miner ones.

S: The “Santa for Sinners” box.

J: “Coal” dovetails nicely with your upcoming trip to China.

S: Harvest your own diamonds... It comes with coal and an easy-bake oven. “Takes 981230914 years.”

J: Yeah, comes with trustee documentation... We are a-holes.

S: Well, people are bozos.

[singleincomenokids]

High Aspirations

PC: “Someone next to my office put a bunch of potted ferns out in the rain with a ‘take me’ note. I was like ‘Thank God I drove 5 minutes to work today because it was sprinkling out,’ and filled my car with ferns. Next stop: High ceilings!”

[singleincomenokids]

On Craigslist

S: I was browsing the Craigslist Free Stuff section again tonight. I love it! In addition to that 7ft light up neuron from last week and the human-sized cage (”whoever responds with the best potential use for this cage will get it free of charge”), I found a stunning Ruffles Doritos inflatable chair with built-in drink holder for you. The author notes, “it has a very slow leak” and that he “didn't refill it for the pic but it'll stay full for a week or so before getting low.” Why do you think there is anyone on earth who keeps an inflatable chair blown up for “a week or so” at a time? J: Sounds breathtaking. THROW IT OUT PEOPLE. S: I mean, seriously though. It’s like some people have not heard of trash. NOT EVERYTHING NEEDS TO BE UPCYCLED.

[singleincomenokids]

A Superior Ride

S: “Look how fug this hybrid Tahoe is with ‘HYBRID’ written on the side.”

J:  “Oh yeah, that’s a thing. Every hybrid car has to say ‘Hybrid’ on it at least 30 times.”

S: “I think mine says it 2-3 times. It’s our badge of smugness. BETTER THAN YOU.”

J: “It should be a wrap. Like Hybrid™ sponsored by Whole Foods™.”

S: “I would love to have my hybrid wrapped with pictures of vegetables and wind turbines. That hybrid Tahoe had a bumper sticker that said ‘Spiritually Gangster.’”

J: “… ‘Doctrinally Earth-Conscious.’”

S: “Marin.”

[singleincomenokids]

Bottom Gear

J: “I feel like one of the worst ways to die would be getting hit by a Nissan Maxima.” 

S: “I think Chevy Impala is worse.”

[singleincomenokids]

Millennial Dependencies

“For some reason, I find myself stress-drinking kombucha these days.”

[singleincomenokids]

Underwhelmed

"I mean, it's not a $20,000 watch. It's not worth talking about."

[singleincomenokids]

On Plants

[note to reader: J and S have a long running joke that high ceilings are associated with wealth. The richer you are, the higher your ceilings.] S: I want a fiddle leaf fig J: I was just looking at them. They are okay. I feel like there are more interesting plants. I’d rather get something more rare. Maybe we can find a rare plant nursery. S: Like what? A giant Venus fly trap? J: Maybe we can pillage a rainforest.     I feel like I would need high ceilings for anything I’d get from a rainforest. I live in an NYC studio with regular ceilings. My plan is dashed. S: Yeah, you need low-ceiling poverty plants. Plants that grow in caves and can survive with no light. J: [Woman I know] has some gorgeous ferns. I like those. She also has a beautiful avocado tree; it looks like a broader fiddle leaf fig. S: She has an avocado tree in NYC? J: Yes, but she decided it was too large and was taking up 1/4 of her greenhouse so she cut it down. Sad. S: Greenhouse. Fancy. J: Yes. Their rooftop greenhouse is bigger than my entire apartment. I am poor with low ceilings and boring plants. S: Yes. Charity case.

[singleincomenokids]

Working in the Legal System

J: I told my sister I will be the bailiff on her future Judge Judy-like show. Or the gallery “reporter.” S: Oh! I will be the court stenographer. That is the person who draws cartoons, right? J: No, the stenographer is the one who types on a typewriter. In our time it’ll probably be an iPad. S: Oh, yeah, no. What’s a typewriter? J: You can play Words with Friends. “Stenography.” S: I bet hipsters flock to being court stenographers.

[singleincomenokids]

Frank Lloyd Wright Groupies

J: Oh, shoot! I forgot to call Ebsworth Park about a tour next month! Let me do that now.  Okay, left them a voicemail. Hopefully they will call back. I said my wife and I are looking to buy in the area and we hope they are open to offers. LOL, J/K.