don't read this... i probably have to go to sleep right now :D
I have already written here on this topic before (http://sinne-hedgehog.tumblr.com/post/34166182034/who-am-i-or-a-person-without-belonging) but yeah...
From time to time I get so sick of discourses on nationalities and all the tensions and difficulties connected to this topic in our country that I wish such thing as nationality didn't exist at all. Honestly, I'm sometimes sick of both Estonians and Russians demonstrating their "identity" passionately... Srsly, guys, that's more than enough.
I really find myself in a difficult situation because I don't understand any of it. Because I feel like I have no identity to keep, no traditions to preserve, no heritage to take care of. Except maybe for my family's own heritage which is enmeshed in history of course but which lacks strong connection to "ethnic culture".
The language I speak is hardly to be extinct in any foreseeable future. I have no connection with traditions of the past or truly "traditional ways" of doing anything. I am atheist so I have no connection with religion as well as my parents and grandparents. None of them are and were religious. I unfortunately know very little about my ancestors before the Soviet times. Much have been lost - materially and spiritually - during WW2. And even if I knew in detail how my kin used to live before the revolution I don't think I would follow "their ways". Because on both sides - Ingrian Finnish and Russian - the "ways" have most probably been too religious which is really not what I am about.
My family suffered from both Nazis and the Soviets so for me these two evils are totally equal and have no excuses whatsoever. So when Russians of older generation speak about Soviet times romantically or try to justify the regime somehow I only want them to shut up and think of what they actually say. But when I hear Estonians complaining about how cruel the regime was to them I hate that they forget one simple thing - it was everyone who suffered, each and every of the nations of the USSR, Russians themselves being actually the most numerous to be taken to camps, shot down, forced out of their lands, taken by force to mental houses, and so on. I guess both sides forget that we were all in the same boat. All the usual people suffered. All the nations had huge losses. The Soviet regime, especially in the Stalin's era, was not anti-Estonian, anti-Latvian, anti-Kazakh, anti-Jewish, anti-whatever-nation, it was essentially anti-human, inhuman.
So fuck those who connects the cruelties of regime to the nations (like, as if it were simple Russians who were so terrible that they wanted to make others suffer an die). And fuck those who connects Soviet culture with Russian culture. Even Russians themselves do that. Fuck this.
But yes, returning to me... I feel like lacking "ethnic identity" although in some cases I can defend Estonians and some of their views and in some cases defend some of the views that Russians have. Depends. Depends on what I find fair/unfair and reasonable/unreasonable. But I cannot take "permanent" side because generally I don't have enough sympathy or sense of belonging to follow either of them fully.
But fuck, I really hate all this shit going on. Sometimes I wish I lived in some country where no one cares about nationality/national identity/ nation-building/patriotism etc. Really. I want everyone to shut up and better do something together for the future. Not the future of the nation or national minority, or the state, but for the future of humanity as such. Because I'm sorry, but we guys are in shit with the climatic and ecological crises as well as crises with our current economic system. These are urgent things, okay.
Sorry for all the "f" words. I'm tired.
2087
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