Musings and Happenings

Living and travelling in Aotearoa, Canada, and beyond.

[siobhanafin]

The year that was

I just read through my blogs from travelling at the beginning of the year and now I regret not keeping up the posting this year! I think it’s been a combination of a few things, but also needing a bit more privacy while I was working things out for a while... 

So, let’s hit you with my year (so far) in brief! 

I got to live with Zeno for many months, which was a fantastic time. After Portugal, Max came back for 4 weeks instead of 2, and then extended to 5, and well, the rest is history... He’s in the Netherlands, but we’ll get to that. Kylester and Zeno also moved on to bigger and brighter things, and we had to leave our shitty yet awesome apartment to finally rid ourselves of the landlord from Hell.

I went to the Netherlands... and France, and Belgium.... 

I went back to Dream Camp and danced what was and may be forever the most joyful and inspired performance of my life and something I’ll be proud of and cherish forever even though it wasn’t technically perfect (”That takes balls,” Eric told me!).

I danced in Grace and Beaute Ensemble, I was an invited speaker at the Belly Dance Blossom Festival. 

Lots of lovely people visiting me, and I visited them. I went back to the Netherlands, and France, and Belgium.

Baby Wandice came to visit, Max and I hiked the White Mountains and stayed at an incredible AirBnB in Vermont, I tried my hand at henna and caught the white squirrel on camera. 

To my surprise (and delight!) I went to Germany (and the Netherlands!). I saw Ze Fak with my own little eyes and it really was incredible to see what had been created there, and to experience the final show and party. I started making kombucha!

I competed in AQDO and got some great marks, Max and I went to Levis, Andrea and I went apple picking in the rain..... And now I’m about to go back to NZ. I’m sure I’ve missed a lot, but aside from wrestling that Bloody Black Dog (I’m winning, slowly but surely), it’s been a good year. Even though I said I’d stop measuring my life in years.... Here’s to all the good things to come. 

[siobhanafin]

@turkelton88 they grow up so fast 😭 Our beer babies featuring Bowie in the back #MTL #514 #beer #theprettieststar

[siobhanafin]

Ain't that the truth, Tinycards. #motivation #Kummerspeck

[siobhanafin]

Do not abdicate your contribution. If we all believe our actions are too small to make a difference, no one will act and things will only get worse. A friend put it much, much more eloquently than I ever could when she said "Not for the first time I'm reminded of that great unattributable phrase: "The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing". Acquiescence is nothing. Polite acceptance is nothing. Waiting is nothing. Don't do nothing."

[siobhanafin]

How to tell your holiday is over... but I'm happy to be home 💃

[siobhanafin]

Lisbon givin' me those end-of-travel-sads... Next adventures already in planning, but first, employment! #portuguesechickenresearchtrip #Portugal #Lisbon #lovelovelovelovelove

[siobhanafin]

I am feeling ridiculously inspired and reenergized and joyful. I have met so many incredible people following their dreams and doing crazy shit, I've caught up with some of my best friends in the entire world, had all of the deep and meaningfuls and all of the discussions about changing the world, and actually ticked a couple of things off the bucket list. One more day in Lisbon, then I'm comin' for ya MTL! #Lisbon #Portugal #Lovelovelovelovelove #art

[siobhanafin]

Don't worry team, found my Kiwi summer (and NZ cider, actually) on a beach in Portugal with German company. 🇳🇿 🇵🇹 🇩🇪 #nazaré #portugal #howthefuckamigoingtoreadjusttomontréalweather #doinghashtagswrong

[siobhanafin]

How's the serenity? #Portugal #penedageres #antipodeanjokes

[siobhanafin]

Somehow we made it to Porto from Lisbon with such excellent directions from me as "Turn leftish... soon..." #Portugal #Porto #art

[siobhanafin]

Gonna start the walk to Heathrow to get on a plane to see one of my favourite humans ever tomorrow 👌👌👌

[siobhanafin]

Resolving

Even though I try not to think of life in years any more, In a way, I kind of do the New Year's resolution thing (I keep resolving to become a nun, but Andi says I should become a monk because they brew beer). In high school I made the resolution to do things that scare me, and that's definitely become a habit. I also made the resolution to be totally honest wherever possible - of course this is a hard one, but a huge core value to me, and this is definitely something I'll work on forever. The only time it's really hard is when others aren't willing to be open with you (or won't give you the opportunity to be honest). A couple of years ago (and I truly can't believe two years went so fast), I decided to try and be love - patient, kind, trusting, forgiving, slow to anger, all those things. Love as action, rather than love as a feeling. Loving even in the absence of feeling. It's an ongoing process but I've enjoyed being aware of it. At some point last year I realized I wanted to be calmer, to take responsibility for my own actions, and to do all the things I've always said I wanted to do. I think the calmness idea came from traveling and realizing that in some situations, you can only do so much, and worrying doesn't help. I'm not sure about the responsibility for my own actions. Maybe it's linked to honesty. This has manifested in trying not to make excuses when I fuck up, and not hiding it but rather openly telling anyone affected. (Again, only really hindered when someone won't let you talk to them - something my little heart and head battles with because then I feel like I'm not owning my actions, but you can't make someone listen to you). And the doing all the things, well this came from the sense of urgency that I felt living in Montréal for just 4 months last year - if I didn't do it now, I might never do it. And if I don't do it alone, I might never do it if I'm waiting for others to join me. I guess a lot of these things were not new year resolutions, but rather, things I learned along the way and decided to run with. In thinking about what's next, the love one is still very important to me. But I think the big thing I'm thinking of at the moment is that I don't have to please everyone. Not everyone has to like me. Rather, I want to recognize the humanity of others and stand up for what is right. So, yes, trying my best to love and be selfless, but also not being a doormat. I sometimes find it hard to reconcile the two ideas. I want to be strong but soft. I guess it's good to get the cogs spinning in my head in order to figure out how best to get both happening. I can only be effective at loving and helping others if I'm also strong enough to say no. And if I let others take and take and take, only resentment will arise on my part. It's a tricky thought.

[siobhanafin]

What thoughts am I getting out of this travel business

I was in a bit of a funk this last semester. After pretty severe depression a couple of years back, followed by a battle with anxiety, I have a tendency to run far away from anything that makes me sad - music, movies, people, situations. In an effort to protect myself I've always cut off people who hurt me with intent. Sometimes I think I misunderstand situations and cut off people too soon, and I've come to realize that a weakness of mine is that I often cut ties with people after situations that I perceive as humiliating (which in honesty, are situations that are probably no big deal, but I feel they're either going to think I'm stupid or be mad at me). Anyway, I've kind of felt like I've dealt with this depression hangover for a couple of years, and it was pretty scary to realize that maybe I was regressing a little again. I couldn't get out of bed, found myself with very low self confidence, and beating myself up again for the way I feel, instead of just sitting with the emotions, riding the wave. I think one of the things I keep forgetting is that this move was not an easy one. I left the man I loved and was with for over 6 years, I left my friends and family, I committed myself to at least a couple more years being in a financially difficult position, I moved to the other side of the world with no idea of when I'd see most of the people and places I left behind again. And yet, I find myself asking, "What's wrong with me? Why do I feel this way?" I kept having friends and acquaintances tell me how brave I was and I just wasn't getting it. It didn't feel like a big deal to take the opportunity to go to McGill and move to Montreal because this is what I wanted to do, and this is what felt right. And so there was this funny disconnect going on in my mind where I felt average and couldn't fathom why, because I'd done exactly what I wanted. I had a feeling getting away would help, and I think it has. It's made me remember there are a lot of wonderful, selfless people in the world. It's intensified my desire to become more proactive in helping others and causes that I feel are pressing in the world. And it's made me realize I need to keep calm, but do all the things I want to do when I want to do them. My sense of urgency is back, but I guess it's better described as passion. Maybe a lust for life as old Iggy would say. And I don't think that means that I'm going to go back to MTL and everything is going to feel like sunshine, but I do hope I will be gentler and kinder to myself, and connect deeper again, and keep getting out and trying the things I want to try.

[siobhanafin]

I feel like there is just so much I could say about Chernobyl. Visiting had the paradoxical effect of being both sobering and desensitizing. Our guide was great, and they played us a documentary on the 2 hour drive there, which I was actually really really glad to have watched. It blew my mind how much the soviet party tried to hide from the people in the surrounding areas, and for how long they did so. They even opened an amusement park the day of (or after?) the explosion to distract people, and repeatedly assured people that everything was okay. Sweden sounded the alert before Ukraine even did, as their workers at a nuclear plant were registering abnormally high (but still safe) levels of radiation. They shut their plant down and then determined it was elsewhere. Other countries were reporting on what had happened and how bad it must have been, while the soviet party downplayed it as an accident that was under control. This meant that inhabitants (of something like 90 cities and villages) that should have been evacuated immediately were left in place for 2 full days. It seems it was a case of the pride of the party over the wellbeing of people - something that struck me as being depressingly similar to greed over people in the instances of both the flint water disaster, and the gas leak in LA last year. Driving around Pripyat (the abandoned city you're allowed to see on tours), the place is so big it almost gets to the point that it's not impressive - it's all abandoned and destroyed and it's all insane and it becomes desensitizing. Of course, it is impressive, and it's fucking surreal. During the day I found myself particularly astonished by the selflessness of the workers involved in the clean up. Some people were of course forced, like the 100,000 soldiers who wore ~30kg lead suits and helped shovel debris off the roof of the reactor for 45 second stints (some of them doing this up to 4 or 5 times - it had been calculated that two minutes was the "safe" exposure time, but then they later realized the radiation level was much higher so the safe exposure time was much lower than this), some were perhaps ignorant to the real risk, but also those that just genuinely knew they'd probably die or suffer for the rest of their lives, and did it any way. I can't even fathom what making that decision must have been like, and it seems like the ultimate sacrifice to me. It also got me thinking about how this sort of "toxic tourism" is kind of gross - even I didn't think about it until I'd got there. I was going because it would be cool and creepy and surreal, but this hurt so so many people, and I'm treating it as a photo op. I have a lot of mixed feelings about the whole thing. There was also this question of safety. This really only happened 30 years ago. Our guide told us the only reason we could visit the areas we could (at one point we were about 300m from the reactor) was because they had truly believe they could clean the place up and make it safe again. A 6metre top layer of dirt was removed from the entire zone surrounding the reactor. Entire villages were buried because some of the trees and houses were so radioactive. There was a Geiger counter with us, but I can only put blind faith in the guide about a subject I know little about. How safe is it really? I certainly didn't do any research into sieverts and exposure or whether or not 10 sieverts actually equates to double the effect of 5 sieverts or whether it increases exponentially. In saying that, there are a lot of people working in and around Chernobyl, and some people even living in the 30km exclusion zone. Some people are growing and eating their own food still. When we arrived in Kiev I really felt like people were the least friendly people I've ever met, but fuck these people have been through a lot. Dealing with Lenin, living in concentration camps until the 60s because the party was investing in an arms race, then Chernobyl, now Crimea and everything else. These people have just never had a break and probably a huge amount of them are still living with the effects of Chernobyl on top of the effects of everything else. But, I have been now, and I am glad that it has at least made me think. I'm glad I didn't leave and just think that I got some sweet post-apocalyptic style photos.

[siobhanafin]

So arriving into Ukraine was slightly unsettling as 70% of the plane clapped upon landing and got me wondering if I should have been nervous about landing safely prior to the actual event! Then, we discovered that my accent is even harder for Ukrainians to understand, and that most Ukrainians don't speak or don't want to speak much English, and most people look super angry all the time. But I mean, I get it - they have been through (and are going through) a lot. Chernobyl was only 30 years ago, it's unclear as to who exactly controls this part of Ukraine, and the history of Lenin doesn't seem too flash. Anyway, after managing to navigate the metro (never in my life have I seen so many people packed into such a small space hustling as such an insane speed), we got to our hostel and headed out to try Ukrainian food. Again, no comprehension of me from their end, no comprehension of them from my end (dammit I should have learned some Ukrainian before I got here), but we did some pointing and ate some things that were Ukrainian so great times all round!

[siobhanafin]

We started the day with a good old fashioned Christmas market where we ate Flammbrot and wild pig, then headed out to Englisch park and watched some hugely talented surfers surfing the standing wave of Eiswelle. After, at Max's recommendation we hit up a Bierhalle, and we were certainly not disappointed. At ~NZD$7 for a litre of beer, we had a decent drink before I had to run away to catch the train to Sam's. Today has been a lot of thinking about how I have to be present and enjoy the things that I'm doing, not thinking about the things I am not doing. I can never be in four places at once, so it's better to just enjoy the decisions I've made and accept them as the correct ones. When I met up with Sam and Julia we headed to another Christmas market for some gluhwein and beer, then headed out to an awesome rock bar where I headbanged much too much for far too long but had a great time dancing with one of Sam and Julia's acquaintances who kept telling me I was beautiful and she loved my pants, haha. We then headed to a gothic party, where the music was way more my style than I imagined with a lot of New Order and even some Muse. While I was distinctly lacking in the patent and corset department compared to everyone else, I was at least wearing all black and had an awesome time dancing till very early once more. Unfortunately, the 24th, German Christmas, I was struck down with norovirus and was very very lucky to have SamSam and Julia to look after me. It meant I had to miss my German Christmas dinner, but we exchanged presents between the three of us just before midnight and that was super lovely. Thankfully I rose from the dead on the 25th and was able to go to Julia's parents for a Christmas lunch, where I had to practise my German as her father doesn't speak much English! I felt useless but they were all impressed (how polite), so i feel like I gotta get back into the German practice. That night we headed to a little show in Abensberg featuring a few local punk/pop / ska bands, and they were all pretty awesome actually. Sam introduced us to all of the locals he met at the bar and we met an awesome guy working in the film industry who is producing a documentary about a German rap group working with a lot of the Syrian refugees, making music with some of them. Sounds incredible and I intend to look them up (Demograffics, for those of you playing at home). We also had a pretty interesting chat about the anti fascist movement, cause I told him I'd seen a lot of ANTIFA tags and a lot of people wearing ANTIFA patches and clothing and I was really impressed and got the idea the movement was quite big in Germany. He was less optimistic, saying the most common phrase he hears is "Im not a racist, but..." and that he felt a lot of the older generation were still quite far right and it was disheartening for him considering that he felt Germans should have learned from their history. But, this is something Fraser and I talked about a lot (and demonstrated when looking at how the youth of America voted in the recent election compared to the older voters), and I hope hope hope that as the younger generation grows older and passes on their ideas, we'll shift to being more liberal and loving as a globe.

[siobhanafin]

When in Ukraine, work out at an outdoor gym in the snow surrounded by massive Ukrainian men.... As the old saying goes #Ukraine #snow #whataplace (à Гидропарк)