What does rape* mean? With the asterisk?
After what happened (which is what I usually say instead of rape), I was very uncomfortable with the language used when I would call places trying to find help. I described my experience as ‘two men did things to me without my consent’ and I was so uncomfortable with the words ‘victim’ and 'survivor’ I would describe myself as 'someone who is trying to live through some shit’. When someone asked how I was doing, I would say, “Okay, all things considered” because nothing else could describe that I was mildly okay but kind of really not okay.
When my trauma symptoms persisted for months and I was diagnosed with PTSD, I felt like I was losing my mind. During a conversation with my dad he said, “You’re sane.” And I said, “Yeah, but I’m sane with an asterisk! My sanity has conditions!”
I thought about that conversation when I was thinking of titles for this blog. I was thinking about the fights I would get into with now former friends when they would yell at me to just do 'x, y, or z’ and get over it. All of the advice I was following and more wasn’t helping and I realized everyone needs to recover in their own way. I thought about how an asterisk can be used. It can note that there is more to this word than what typically comes to mind. It can be used to show there is additional information needed to understand this word.
When I started using an asterisk when I was writing, I was able to use words I had been uncomfortable with instead of replacing them with sentences. 'I was raped.’ gets across this idea that a big bad thing happened. And whatever that word makes people think isn’t MY story. It doesn’t describe what happened to ME. And I desperately needed people to understand this big bad impossible thing that happened to me.
Writing, 'I was raped*.’ helps me feel that maybe people will consider that this was a complex experience I had and not some vague big bad thing the word generally makes people feel when they hear it. Also, it started to give me hope seeing it written like that. Like the story doesn’t end with that word. There’s so much more to my story than that word.
I know this got a little long. I add an asterisk to words I feel uncomfortable using or words that I have big feelings about. Everyone’s experience and recovery is different and I want to encourage people to do things that make them feel comfortable with living past their trauma(s). Modifying the typical words used when talking about trauma was a good start for me.
