A transition scene - a scene about magic in a “netherworld of time” which flashed between Hogwarts, where everyone dances around Albus.
Zoe: This reads like something from a musical, which it is not. Turns out this is supposed to be representing the first three, three and half years at Hogwarts.
Shannon: Hey, you know what makes that super unclear? Trying to understand a dry play script with no scenes or props or lighting or anything that you need to make sense of a fucking play script.
Zoe: All the kids start talking about Albus in a way that literally looks like the lines that precede a song in a musical or a number in a Disney movie. “A Potter in our year!”
Shannon: ...James has literally been at the school for two years, and also what? Harry, who was famous on his own baby merits, only got that treatment for like half a day because eleven year olds don’t tend to give a shit.
Zoe: A good point which I forgot because James is a non-entity here. Also, the Sorting Hat can walk now, and paces its way between the students. This would make sense in a musical number. Which this isn’t.
Shannon: Apparently, Rose is nervous awaiting her “fate”, because the hat executes people now. I wish it would execute her. She’s sorted into Gryffindor, even though she’s a stuck up brat whose thing seems to be believing what she’s told and focusing on her smarts, which to me suggests Ravenclaw. Hermione was a Gryffindor because of her other traits, of which Rose so far displays none.
Zoe: Rose says “thank Dumbledore”, which is apparently how they say “thank God”, which is only just fundamentally missing the point of the books, because Albus Dumbledore was not a god. He dated literal wizard Hitler! He was flawed! That was the point.
Shannon: Thank god we have wine.
Zoe: Scorpius is in Slytherin, but he clearly belongs in Hufflepuff, and anyone who says otherwise can literally fight me.
Shannon: Then it’s Albus, because alphabetical order cannot matter in this universe. He gets put into Slytherin, fundamentally destroying a plot point introduced in book one - which is the power of choice. If Albus really didn’t want to be a Slytherin, he really didn’t have to be. As his namesake said, it’s the choices that define - look at his freakin’ father.
Zoe: There’s a “perfect silence” because this is the worst thing in the universe. Everyone is super fuckin shocked because there’s a Potter in Slytherin, which is obviously the end of the fucking worrrrrrrrrrld. No Slytherin can be good ever.
Shannon: To be fair JK was always bad at practicing what she preached when it came to Slytherin. She had an easy target and she used them.
Zoe: Albus is thoroughly discombobulated, which is really weird phrasing, and goes to stand with Scorpius. Everyone starts saying “oh I guess he doesn’t look like his dad after all” because you know that makes sense.
Shannon: Rose tells Albus off, because this had nothing to do with him, and also she doesn’t belong in Gryffindor, which I already pointed out, because what the fuck.
Zoe: Suddenly we’re in a flying lesson, because meaningful character building is irrelevant.
Shannon: Rose is instantly proficient at summoning her broom into her hand because of course she is. The thing is, Harry was excellent because his father was. Neither Hermione nor Ron was particularly naturally gifted. Ron’s talent was hard earned, and Hermione didn’t have any - she could just fly like a bad driver can just drive. Meanwhile, Albus can’t get his broom up (hurr) which seems odd when both his parents were and are literal Quidditch stars, but I’m more willing to forgive that, because Ginny worked for her talent too, and Harry wasn’t good at anything else for a couple years, basically.
Zoe: They mock him some more for not being like his dad, and call him the Slytherin Squib, and nobody tells him off or reacts to it at all, not even the teacher, which, wow.
Shannon: We’re suddenly back on Platform 9 3/4 at the start of his second year. He asks his dad to stand away from him and Harry mocks him for not wanting to stand near him.
Zoe: To be fair, he is twelve.
Shannon: Daddy issues. Harry signs an autograph, and Albus whines about being the disappointing son.
Zoe: His life is so tragic. He adds that he’s SLYTHERIN as if this explains it all, because plot convenience. James appears for the first time in a year to mock Albus in an admittedly cute and relatively clever way, and then he’s gone again.
Shannon: Albus snaps that he shouldn’t be called Al, because he prefers Albus, which is lame. Harry tries to encourage him to make more friends, but Albus says he only needs Scorpius, which is gay.
Zoe: Harry says that’s fine as long as he’s happy, and I’m failing to see the conflict here. He says that Harry shouldn’t have brought him to the station, and for some reason, Harry doesn’t say “fuck you, you’re twelve”. Instead, he says he wanted to be there.
Shannon: Draco appears, wearing perfect robes and a ponytail and looking good. He asks Harry to help him out with the rumours about Scorpius’s parenthood, and explains that Astoria has Sick Mother Syndrome and he wants Harry to confirm publicly that all the time turners were destroyed in the battle at the Ministry.
Zoe: Harry refuses to help because it’ll totally blow over, which is fair but still seems a bit mean. He kind of has a point, though; he knows what rumours do.
Shannon: Rose apparently doesn’t talk to Albus at all at school because of his Slytherinness and his friendship with Scorpius, who for some some reason has a crush on her. I can absolutely see Ron’s daughter aka Arthur’s granddaughter being like this. I can see Molly not noticing this and letting it happen. These are things that I believe.
Zoe: In the Great Hall, a beaming (?) Professor McGonagall announces Rose is the next Chaser for the Gryffindor Quidditch team. Scorpius applauds too, bless his little heart.
Shannon: Albus apparently hates Quidditch because he’s edgy and his dad likes it and they’re really pushing this whole paternal conflict thing, even though one of his parents is a internationally ranked Quidditch player, and it isn’t his dad, but Ginny who?
Zoe: Scorpius says he thinks Rose is brilliant, because he’s adorable, but Albus says he knows Rose wouldn’t clap for him because he needs to get his head out of his tiny little Potter ass.
Shannon: Suddenly, Potions class. Everyone still hates Albus.
Zoe: He makes the potion explode because of course. This is a big deal and has clearly never happened to anyone before.
Shannon: Scorpius keeps his head and tries to fix it, while Albus continues to whine about how everything is ruined forever. Fast forward again, and Albus is very attractive, but tries to not be, because, like all Sues, beauty is a curse.
Zoe: At Platform 9 3/4 again, and Harry is still apparently a bad dad but I really don’t see it. He’s trying his best and just wants his son to have, like, more than one friend, and doesn’t want him to be a tiny Snape.
Shannon: Harry gives Albus his permission slip for Hogsmeade, but Albus says he hates Hogsmeade. When Harry asks how he can even know this, Albus says he hates it because it’s filled with Hogwarts students and he literally sets the parchment on fire, even though they’re on the platform in King’s Cross, which means he’s not on school grounds, which means he’s a rule breaker, and oh my fucking god, he’s banging his head against the wall and repeating angst angst angst angst because he’s feeling cranky and pubescent today and he doesn’t know why.
Zoe: He should go to Pigfarts. On the moooooooooooooooooooon. Then he complains that he didn’t expect the spell to work because he’s terrible at it, and I hate him.
Shannon: Harry sighs, and says Professor McGonagall is worried that Albus is secluding himself and surly and basically he’s worried that Albus is depressed, but Albus says Harry should cast a spell to make him a better son and I’m kind of behind him here because he’s awful.
Zoe: The shit Albus thinks Harry is complaining about isn’t even stuff Harry would care about - his magical ability, his popularity, or even his house; Harry just wants his son to be happy, because he wants to be a good dad, but Albus seems diametrically opposed to anything except pubescent wizard angst which is fundamentally unfounded.
Shannon: He goes to find Scorpius, and it turns out that Astoria is dead and Scorpius didn’t tell Albus because he didn’t know what to say. Scorpius says Albus can’t do anything except stay by his side and come to the funeral, because Scorpius’s crush on Rose is really a classic case of transference mixed in with compulsory heterosexuality when this kid is gayer than the Dumbledore in Starkid Harry Potter.
Zoe: Lily is made a Gryffindor, because she exists apparently, but only to further Albus’s middle child angst.
Shannon: Scorpius says Albus shouldn’t be surprised because Potters don’t belong in Slytherin and I’m???? Why would he say that????????
Zoe: The scene ends with him saying he didn’t choose to be Harry’s son and I call bullshit because he couldn’t have a better dad except for maybe Ron Weasley.
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