I did it. I finally did it. It hurts. It sucks. . . but I did it.
I cut ties completely with my mother.
I loved her, I loved that part of my family a long time ago. . . but the minute I was going to be a parent something shifted. When I became a dad, our relationship began a slow, painful deterioration. It mostly involved her inability to deal with boundaries. Early on it didn't phase me, but as my children grew, the worse she got.
I have pinpointed it down to between the time I started broadcasting school up to when my daughter was born that the poles began to shift. That was over 10 years ago.
I am honestly tired of telling the same old story of working full time, going to school, having a wife, a kid, my own apartment, paying my own way. . . my mother resented this. . . because it took attention away from my brother who lived at home, refused to work, was entitled about it. . . i could go on, but my mother pretty much anointed him king or whatever. . .
The point is, she tried to please everyone without accountability. . . make everyone happy by any means necessary. . . even if it means sacrificing relationships. . . that's a dangerous game to play. She got stuck somewhere in the early 2000s. . . while I matured, everyone else around me stayed the same. . . while my interests shifted and grew more broad and open, she stuck to those who refused to change. . .
The less I acted like that, the more divisive and vindictive she became. . . and she got her family involved. . . I was planning my escape well before anyone knew, even my wife. . . 2011 was when I started. . . after my cousin's wedding. . . when we were in the early stages of kid #3. . . I noticed how everyone kind of kept their distance from me. . . despite my efforts to bond or blend in. . . turns out my cousin and his wife were mad that I wore shorts to a beach front wedding in mid July. . . it was 95 degrees and they had it in broad daylight, sun beating every one down. . . my aunt wore a Hawaiian shirt and one of my brothers went to see Soundgarden (lucky prick) and my other brother and his girlfriend showed up during the reception dressed like white trash on Easter. . . but they all got free passes for some reason. . .
A year later at another cousin's wedding, we found out about the shorts debacle. . . that wedding sucked. . . so did the family reunion the day after. . . as well as being at odds with my brother who was getting married and was mad that we weren't letting my oldest be in their wedding. . . which sucked, btw. . . but we had to accept it. . .we were playing nice because we were moving into my mom's house next year and my brothers and were going to move out. . .
My mother sabotaged that the best she could. . . "why don't you just live with them!". . . because they fight all the time, have animals they never clean up after in a house where there is no room for my wife and 3 kids. . . all 6 and under. . . and there's drug shit everywhere. . . "just live out of your car then!". . .
She was "joking" about that. . .
Let's just say over the next 6 years there were hundreds of boundaries that were torched, dismissed, disregarded or barreled through. . . you can't have a solid relationship with someone who can not accept your boundaries. . . especially when YOU set the boundary and your mother insists that it's your spouse who "put you up to it". . . seriously, my wife was blamed for everything I said and did. . . when she would stand up for herself, they'd double down on their malice. . . when she would say "if you have a problem, talk to Matt". . . nobody would come knocking or call or text. . . because they'd already convinced themselves she was the culprit. . .
You can tell everyone you tried to mend the fence when you had no intention of showing up, but most people know you're a liar. I showed up to fence mending sessions by myself way too many times. . . and as soon as I stopped, I felt lighter. . . I stopped communicating with anyone who didn't want to see me succeed, see me get better, be who I always should have been instead of who others wanted me to be. . .
It's okay to completely shut the doors on any toxic family members, even if they're parents. You have to mourn them even though they are still alive, and while that's difficult, it's not as much of an arduous task of dealing with people who only keep you around as a comparison tool. . .
I cut my mother completely off.
It hurt like hell, but it'll never hurt like the expectations I had of her being a grandmother and pillar of hope for the rest of my life being brutally murdered by the reality that she was blatantly rude, solipsistic, narcissistic and mean.
I know where my heart truly lies, and that's next to my wife in our bed every night, in a house we fought hard to get, to break cycles of abuse and torment. . . and I know I made the right decision.
