This is an old caption. For whatever reason, it resonated deeply with my heart today and I felt a desire to share something with you from my past, although I feel like I’ve shared this story before. So, although the caption is old, this writing is new (9/23/24).
A few weeks ago, i was listening to a podcast that was investigating some about crossdressing and discussing reasons why people like myself are drawn to it. What the podcast did was to bring to memory one of my first experiences with crossdressing or leanings toward femininity. This caption encouraged me to share it.
One of my earliest memories of desiring to be feminine was when I was about 4. Maybe I was 3. Who among us actually have vivid memories at such young ages?! I know it was around these ages because of where we were living at the time. If you know me, then you might guess that it had something to do with shoes. And that’s right. In my young creative mind, I decided to make my own girly sandals. I took some sneaker inserts out of an old pair of tennis shoes and cut out cardboard straps to make sandals. I colored pretty little flowers on them and taped them to the inserts. As you might have guessed, it didn’t work. But in mind…and in my heart…I really really wanted some cute girly sandals. There was no sexual appeal to it (at most, I was 4). There was no desire to be a girl. There was nothing about my childhood that would lead me to think that I was guided to “want” that or to “need” that. I just wanted to be girly…not a girl, but to be girly.
I’m not a counselor. I’m definitely not a psychologist. And maybe if I saw one, I’d come to grips with the “why’s”. I don’t know. All I know is that…WAY BACK WHEN…I was drawn to girly things and girly ways and girly clothes. That is my earliest memory in playing with girly things. I have a feeling that this was not the first of such episodes. It’s the one I remember.
As I try to think of other distant memories, I seriously can’t conjure up many other types of memories. How far back are we capable of remembering things? I really don’t know. I have no doubt that they are in the mind and have been essential to formation. I just can’t recall them on demand. Why do I remember this one? And why is it a “girly episode”?
Thanks for letting me share. This caption, along with the podcast, jogged that beautiful memory. As long as I can fathom my past, my earliest memories involved girliness. I have been wrestling with it, fighting it, loving it, embracing it, shedding it, trying to forget it, and trying to forge forward deeply in it ever since. It’s just there. The inner girliness is just there. It’s not going away.
What’s your earliest memory of anything in the realm of girliness?
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