My epic list of casual curses
A few months ago, someone broke my heart by dumping me for another girl. In my sadness, I unleashed an outpour of 86 casual curses on my facebook wall as a way of venting my feelings.
May you bite into a big chunk of garlic so your mouth feels funny for the next few days.
May a condom commercial come on tv while you’re in the room with your girlfriends dad.
May you stub your toe on every piece of furniture in your apartment.
May you over-salt every meal you try to cook.
May all of your pillows smell of feet.
May your toast always burn, and may no amount of scraping remove the black parts.
May your pen leak all over a drawing that was coming along really well.
May your teeth become very cold-sensitive.
May your mailbox be clogged with advertisements.
May you clog the toilet the first time you go to a new friends house.
May you always have an unsettling feeling of bugs crawling all over you when you’re trying to fall asleep.
May you always step in a funky-colored liquid after putting on socks.
May your ice cream always be frost burnt.
May every vending machine eat or reject your dollar.
May that “silent” fart come out surprisingly loudly.
May you develop erectile dysfunction.
May every toilet seat you sit on be either uncomfortably cold or uncomfortably warm.
May the elastic on all of your underwear give out.
May you always have a zit right on the inside of your nostril.
May you always have to pee while a cat is sitting on your lap.
May your next-door neighbor buy a set of bagpipes and practice every night until 4 in the morning.
May your favorite sweater shrink in the dryer.
May you get busted for illegally downloading something.
May you always have that feeling of having to sneeze.
May you fart in the middle of making out with someone.
May all of your favorite shows and movies be removed from Netflix.
May you get an un-hideable hickey right before you go visit your grandmother.
May there always be a pebble in your shoe.
May you spill your drink in your lap so it looks like you peed yourself. May this happen right before a date.
May your significant other forget your birthday.
May you run out of toilet paper, paper towels, and kleenex, and then get food poisoning.
May you always lose your chapstick.
May a flock of noisy geese start hanging out right outside of your bedroom window.
May the delivery guy always forget your drink.
May you take a giant drink of milk right out of the carton, only to discover its gone bad.
May your cup runneth over… with hot coffee.
May Autocorrect punish you.
May you always overdraft your bank account by like a dollar and have to pay a stupidly large fee.
May you find something really gross in the bottom of your cup of coffee after you’ve already finished it.
May you be the one to discover that there is a hole in the oven mitt.
May you step on this ungodly hybrid. (picture of a lego with a thumbtack stuck through it).
May you have an unforgivable Freudian slip.
May your roommate get addicted to a really irritating song and play it constantly.
May your most embarrassing tumblr post go viral.
May you be cursed with ingrown hairs that look like herpes.
May you suddenly become uncomfortably aware of your tongue.
May you get the hiccups during a phone interview for a job you really want.
May every surface you touch be sticky.
May your acne never go away.
May you always die in a video game just before you reach a checkpoint.
May your life develop a laugh track.
May your laundry always come out of a dryer a little bit damp.
May your favorite book be adapted into a terrible movie.
May you get a blister on the side of your pinkie toe.
May the spoon fall into the bowl every time you eat soup.
May you have to close every open tab because you can’t figure out where the music is coming from.
May you slice your finger while cutting up a lemon.
May you hit every red light.
May that unreachable spot on your back always itch.
May someone set the child censorship thingy on your netflix account.
May the YMCA song get stuck in your head for the next six months.
May all of your exes suddenly get really really hot.
May you develop a persistent itch on the inside of your nose.
May netflix cut out on you every few minutes for the rest of your life.
May you always get called in to work on your day off.
May you never find a job in your chosen field.
May your name become synonymous with the word “asshole” in someones circle of friends.
May all the cheese and toppings fall off of your pizza.
May you suddenly become lactose intolerant.
May you always think of epic comebacks two hours after an argument.
May your water heater suddenly crap out in the middle of winter.
May every table or chair you sit on/at have uneven legs.
May you never find a comfortable sleeping position again.
May you accidentally send a sexy text message to your mom.
May you always wake up two minutes before your alarm goes off.
May your roommate suddenly develop a habit of chewing way too loudly.
May every book or TV series you ever watch get spoiled.
May every selfie you post for the rest of your life get zero likes.
May the barista always give you decaf by accident.
May you always burn your tongue on your hot chocolate so you can’t even taste it.
May a bee fly into your mouth while you’re biking.
May someone always flick a cigarette butt into your can of soda. Even if nobody’s in the room with you.
May all of your favorite videos on youtube get deleted.
May you always end up in the line for the slowest cashier.
I hope that from here to eternity, every time you try to download something, your computer crashes when its at 99%
