‘ in their defense, it was christmas eve. ’
‘ oh, so it’s fine if people die on christmas eve. ’
‘ i’m not saying i’m condoning them for being seven hours late to a fire that was 2.5 miles away. ’
‘ it’s just not– not great. ’
‘ alright, i think we’ve solved it! it’s been fun! see you later! ’
‘ i will set your house on fire and your children will die. ’
‘ seems a little on-the-nose for me. ’
‘ agree to agree. ’
‘ what are we doing here? ’
‘ ehh, there’s a lot of paperwork. ’
‘ i think there’s some shady shit going on there, but that’s just my opinion. ’
‘ i’m telling you, nobody knows how to do their job in this town. ’
‘ so you’re telling me he screamed in your face that he’s gonna murder your family? sounds like a good dude to me. i don’t know what you’re talking about. ’
‘ why is the minister telling rumors? ’
‘ i think that’s the first time i’ve ever heard of a detective going missing. that’s like a fish drowning. ’
‘ what a terrible thing to happen in such a beautiful place. ’
‘ that’s a shark, baby. i know. i’ve seen jaws at least six time, that’s a shark. ’
‘ heads up, this is about to get pretty brutal here, in this description. ’
‘ no, this is bologna. i’m flip-flopping again. ’
‘ that’s called not being thorough. ’
‘ we’ve been over this before. the bear is the most deadly animal of all time. ’
‘ a shark can definitely kill a bear, hands down, if you dropped a bear in the ocean. ’
‘ a hippopotamus would kill a bear in a heartbeat. ’
‘ did she have anything on under the trench coat? …that’s a weird question. never mind. ’
‘ this sounds like a law & order interview. ’
‘ yeah, that rings a bell or two. that shakes a tambourine. ’
‘ what the fuck? no, shame on him. ’
‘ it’s not even a good poem. it’s just weird. ’
‘ this sounds like something a drunk man would say as he’s laying on the sidewalk, just babbling. ’
‘ the shark is ten times less creepier than you. ’
‘ that poem is unforgivable. ’
‘ i feel like i need to take a bath in hand sanitizer. ’
‘ what in the fuck is that? ’
‘ ugh, fuck. i feel awful right now. ’
‘ there’s no way in hell i’m gonna go there. ’
‘ i’m surprised you’re conscious right now. ’
‘ kind of looks like hell. ’
‘ hey ghouls, the boys are here! ’
‘ this is the place where nightmares are made. ’
‘ it looks like one of the conjuring films. ’
‘ i got a little spoiler for ya: everything in the building is gonna look like this. ’
‘ yeah, yeah, that was a rough time in history. ’
‘ i’m glad we’re done with that. that was– just everybody died. ’
‘ it’s a ghost butt! ’
‘ this is the biggest upset. i did not feel this coming. ’
‘ this is like satan’s butthole. ’
‘ what if you go fuck yourself. how about that? ’
‘ i’m gonna imagine that place is the closest thing to hell. ’
‘ how dare they dispose of my body?! they should leave it in the hallway to rot! ’
‘ yeah, i got the chills even thinking about it. ’
‘ look it up. it’s a thing on the internet. ’
‘ they pushed the dog too?! ’
‘ am i just freaking myself out again? ’
‘ i’m gonna take everything said by a ghost hunter with a grain of salt. ’
‘ oh my god, did your brain just explode? ’
‘ am i a ghost hunter? i don’t wanna be a ghost hunter. this is all bullshit. oh no. do i have to put that on my business card now? son of a bitch. ’
‘ let’s drop some sweet knowledge. ’
‘ i’m already fed up with the folders, by the way. it looks too official, considering the nonsense that is within. ’
‘ so, the aliens show up, show them pictures of helicopters, and fly away? ’
‘ i can’t wait to see a post of the motion picture wedding crashers and, uh, well, some lava lamps. ’
‘ wait, a funerary marker from 100 b.c. shows a woman presenting a laptop with usb ports?! how do they charge it? why are there usb ports on it if they don’t have thumbnail drives? what are they looking at on it? there’s no internet. do they have photoshop? ’
‘ here’s a picture of you with three butt cheeks. ’
‘ i’ve drawn it so it must be real! ’
‘ you have nothing to say about any of that? ’
‘ i will fight you tooth and nail when it comes to ghoulie ghosts, but aliens are a little more… probable. ’
‘ no, you don’t win because i’m sure you have plenty of other stuff on here that’s very dumb. ’
‘ i’m good, i’ll just sign up for karate or something. ’
‘ wow, have you ‘signs’? ‘signs’, the motion picture that they made back in the day? they found aliens, it was crazy! they ruined a kids birthday party. ’
‘ my big takeaway here is that art is not proof. ’
‘ you’re telling me those architects used math?! knock me down with a feather. ’
‘ can you imagine if you spent your entire life hauling around heavy stones to make the pyramids and someone was like, ‘no, they couldn’t have done it. you know what it must’ve been? space aliens. i seen ‘em.’ ’
‘ no, they couldn’t have done it. you know what it must’ve been? space aliens. i seen ‘em. ’
‘ well, facts don’t matter then. ’
‘ if i’m building a giant, mighty, wondrous pyramid, i’m not gonna be like ‘hey, can you do some chiseling of the ramp? we really gotta show off this ramp. it’s a hell of a ramp.’ ’
‘ are they written in alien language? ’
‘ i don’t doubt that they were mathematically adept. ’
‘ so, it was aliens? ’
‘ so, it was aliens? they showed up, gave ‘em ipads, gave ‘em zune, built the pyramids, left, and that’s it, and they haven’t been back since. ’
‘ i think they lied. i have yet to see compelling evidence. ’
‘ go fuck yourself, have a nice day. ’
‘ irrelevant. you’re irrelevant. ’
‘ we don’t care about anyone who died. ’
‘ we don’t care if he was famous. we treat everyone the same. ’
‘ i think you should just never do that again. ’
‘ if you’re saying that someone paid you a million dollars to kill someone, like wouldn’t you– wouldn’t there be some kind of receipt to say that? ’
‘ quick thought: is it annoying that i always hold this pen like this? ’
‘ i think your douche-meter’s usually at half mass, right now it’s through the roof. ’
‘ oh, he ‘discovered’ it alright. just to be fair: fuck christopher columbus. ’
‘ you’re saying this ocean’s full of ghosts? ’
‘ what, are you taking notes over there? this isn’t a debate. ’
‘ the titanic – she was a might one – and now she’s lying at the bottom. ’
‘ i don’t know. ships sink, ya’know? ’
‘ these don’t do much for me because planes crash, boats sink. a goose probably flew into the propeller and the plane just fucking nose-dived into the ocean! ’
‘ so, what are you positing here? that it’s in an alternate dimension? ’
‘ i’m gonna need some documentation on this. ’
‘ you need some documentation?! look up the stories, i’m just sayin’! ’
‘ i can’t believe you think this is not weird. ’
‘ i can’t believe you don’t think that boats sink. ’
‘ a theory says that those lost in the bermuda triangle are actually now residents of the legendary lost civilization of atlantis. ’
‘ no– no th– no, they’re not. nope! ’
‘ now all the frustration that i had in the first half of this is now equally composited on top of you. ’
‘ are they breathing underwater?! ’
‘ i can see your face and it’s just– it’s fuming. ’
‘ this is absurd. ’
‘ i think if there were a black hole anywhere near our solar system, everything would cease to exist. ’
‘ we don’t know anything about black holes. ’
‘ yes, we know a fair amount about black holes. black holes aren’t unicorns. ’
‘ i think there’s a lot you don’t know. ’
‘ oh, jesus christ… okay, tell me about… underwater area 51. ’
‘ to be fair, i’m not trying anybody on a carnival cruise. ’
‘ what happened to you on a carnival cruise? ’
‘ i’ve never been on a carnival cruise and i will never go on one. ’
‘ i assume they were drunk or high… probably just out of their minds. ’
‘ this is photoshopped to high heaven. ’
‘ that is so fake. i mean, look at it. ’
‘ that is the shittiest footage i’ve ever seen. that is so fake. ’
‘ i’m saying you don’t understand how black holes work. ’
‘ i’ve got a better understanding than you do. ’
‘ there’s other science we don’t know about. ’
‘ that makes me sound like trump. ’
‘ oh, you’re presenting alternative facts. ’
‘ it’s too sad. let’s just talk about ghosts. ’
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