alien geranium @sizzlercheesetoast - Tumblr Blog

i want everyone in the whole entire world to know that I AM GRADUATING THIS WEEK

#WITH A WHOLE ENTIRE MASTERS DEGREE #i easily finished my assessment for the semester and wrote things i am still really proud of and got good grades and learned so many things #my last class was such a great one and i am really glad i got to finish with that instead of like a hellish dissertation #anyway yes i get to do the stage walk and tassel flip because i did it! i survived! i made it to the end!

some things that have happened since I have been gone are that I SUBMITTED MY DISSERTATION and it was AGONY and my brain actually exploded but IT GOT DONE... and I am still gainfully employed and I am finishing my last master's subject in like 5 weeks and I have made some really wonderful new friends and everything is just much better now than it was

and now I am sitting on my couch and one of my dogs sat on my keyboard while I was typing this while the other snoozes in the corner

also I left this site without letting anyone know how to keep in contact with me because I was in A Bad Way and just did not think to do that but if you want to keep in touch despite my many years of absence, please send me a message! I'm only really on Instagram, where I mostly just lurk, but it's my full name so I don't want to post that to the whole world. I promise I will actually respond to you (I have evolved as a person and have gotten much better at not feeling anxious about responding to nice people sending me nice messages)

i have logged in here for the first time in a billion years and it's SO DIFFERENT to how it was why do things CHANGE

(also hello, I didn't really mean to disappear completely and I don't think I am going to stick around but i am alive! and things are good!)

oh and I recently discovered my favourite background noise for study: it's a rain soundscape thing that lets you adjust the level of individual sounds (rain, thunder, rain on a roof, wind, etc). it is so much better than music or regular white noise at making my brain shut up and start hyperfocusing and i love it (the website is mynoise.net and they also have other soundscapes, like exam rooms, and white noise with adjustable levels. truly best ever)

#i turn the 'patio rain' (sounds like roof rain) and the droplets up real high ans the wind and normal rain down lower and it is glorious

after 2 weeks of taking 4 hours to formulate one mediocre sentence, i just wrote like 1500 words in an hour. so i guess i've gotta ride this productivity wave now and not sleep and keep writing

#i have like 6000 words in this doc and some of them need to be cut but also at least 3000 are usable with only minor edits #i am about to find out if its possible to write most of a dissertation in a single night (and then go to work the next day)#ive had 2 extensions on this damn thing and this friday is my final final final due date and that last minute actual motivation #seems to have FINALLY appeared #and soon i will never have to think about this goddamn thing ever again and i will be FREE

my parents both tested +ive for covid last week (for the first time – i am still negative somehow) and i really resent having to ask my still very contagious mother to wear a mask in common areas and her protesting it

(to be clear both parents are thankfully fine. dad is almost recovered and mum has mild symptoms)

#she has been posting on twitter all outraged about the the government not doing anything about covid #while getting all huffy about needing to wear a goddamn mask???? i dont get it #i will say that my reaction to this may be disproportionate atm because my dissertation is due in 2 weeks tomorrow and i am REALLY BEHIND #thank fuck i can get an extension but omg if i got covid right now... worst possible time #also have been super stressed about immune compromised dad but he has been on antivirals and seems mostly ok (he tested +ive last sunday)#boy it has been a real not good brain time #if you have messaged me I WILL RESPOND IN 3 WEEKS I PROMISE! i feel like a real dickhead i am sorry #turns out being mostly holed up in your room alone while having a bad brain time will make said bad brain time even worse :)

also i have decided i am going to finish my dissertation out of spite. and to prove that i can.

#(sure hope that this actually motivates me because surely something has to)#(even if I do decide I want adhd meds i will need to see a psychiatrist first and their waitlistd are long so it wont happen until after #this thing is due

i am here on my bi-monthly visit because I got officially diagnosed with adhd yesterday and am feeling a lot of really overwhelming feelings about it but i think mostly i am just relieved

#i have had jelly brain since i found out and have been playing mario kart obsessively #I have combined type which is so funny to me. really thought i was just inattentive but i met 6 out of 9 hyperactive criteria lollll #also a big thing that i have been processing is that i was diagnosed as a child and mum conveniently only remembered that yesterday #after my appointment #said she got weird vibes from the person who diagnosed me and also just didnt believe them so nothing happened #i am feeling pretty damn sad about it/what could have been if i was treated when first diagnosed... but am trying my best to #focus on the positive things that finally knowing and having professional validation will bring me

had a pre-adhd-diagnosis appointment and the psych thinks based on the screening test results that a diagnosis is likely!!!!!! a lifetime of feeling like a failure with a broken brain and i can't believe it was probably goddamn adhd causing these issues for me this whole time

#if youd told me a few years ago that i have the same diagnosis as the kid who couldnt sit still and routinely disrupted the class #there is no way i would have believed you #man i cant even describe how i feel right now. validation and grief? simultaneously somehow?

had such a shitty brain day today that it motivated me to email a psych about adhd assessment

#ive been meaning to for ages and ages and ages but well. you know. ya girl's been putting it off as is tradition #so hopefully they get back to me and they can help me not have as many shitty brain days and also get accommodations at uni...#and maybe work if i feel brave enough to tell them

my head is fucking fried and it's a friday afternoon and i despise this whole situation. can i borrow someone else's not eternally dysfunctional brain for like an hour or so please????

about to miss a deadline at work (in like 20 minutes) i hate everything

#i am so goddamn mad at my brain #i have had pleeeenty of time to get this done and guess what!!! i am not going to #the person i am reporting to has been so nice about my already long time getting this done so i feel even worse now #i have dug myself into a deep hole and it's only getting deeper hooray

today my manager asked me in our catch up how my study was going and my eyes welled up with tears and i very nearly started crying. and that basically sums up the last few months of my life

(by the way if you have messaged me while I have been gone from here and i haven't responded i am really really sorry I have just not been in a good place. and i am gonna need to fuck off again for a while and sort out my shit. this is my 'hello i am alive but barely' message and I will see you again when i am feeling saner)

#i have been having a time. and not a good time. because guess who has barely started her dissertation?#despite sitting down every weekend at my computer trying to work???#because my brain is fucked and cant do things when i want it to???#i am booboo the fool #i havent caught up with my supervisor and i need to respond to an email they sent but i am too stressed/overwhelmed/embarrassed #i have 5ish months to write this thing now instead of 10 :))))))))))#i am going away with some friends for a few days soon and i am really looking forward to just not thinking about uni at all #for the first time since semester 1 started

every day i am so grateful that i was able to quit my old very (like one shift a week/fortnight for 8 months of the year) casual job that i hated (for SO many reasons) right before covid became widespread here. and it has just hit me that i would have had to work like double the number of shifts if i was still there and so today i am extra grateful

#if i hadnt stumbled my way into my current job i worry that i would have had no choice but to stay there being miserable #i only stayed there bc while i was a reaaaaally underpaid freelancer it was my only stable income despite the seasonal nature of it #and also they paid me jobkeeper for some reason?? which was cool i guess #i submitted my resignation about a year ago and it's just wild to think about how things have changed for the better since then #i don't have to deal with drunk people / rude people / sensory overload / creepy old men who harassed me with no consequence anymore

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