Did it all mean so little? Did I make you this monster? Or is this your real self?...
pretty out there piece for Jax and Ribbit after she/he started becoming avoidant and meaner to her. After THE bed conversation scene :-;
⚠️TW❗: self harm, abusive relationship
(ik should be at the beginning but too small to see clearly so I'll just yap about this and leave the TW)
so Fuck this episode hits me harder the more I think about it. Ribbit was done so so dirty by Jax and I say it still loving the asshole, imperfect anxious sarcastic mess he was. Truly, femme Jax would be the girl Ribbit deserved but didn't live to see.
To randomly tie this to personal shit (bc I can :'3) I really related to the sequence of Ribbit trying and trying to get Jax's attention. The guilt and awkwardness there reminded me of myself in the worst/best way. I had this friend, or so I thought, for just about a year. She was my only one into this new school and I honestly thought I needed nothing else but her. A silent crush formed but I kept it in, under lock and key and a glance away every time it felt like too much. But it wasn't all good, in fact, I was so blindly wistful I didn't notice just how much I had to run and do shit just for a hint of a conversation. And awkward silence like sludge, sinking me so deep I couldn't even find a sound to make that wouldn't cause a violent outburst of anger from her.
Because clearly, at one point, it was my sheer existence that reminded her of the past we shared. Something she was eager to turn the page, while I thought we would still write more.
sigh, poetics aside, that avoidance, dark humour, sarcastic nihilism was just so HER that I can help but feel like a smaller me, desperate for attention again, for a friend I loved and I thought at least gave a shit back. Once I began to realise how alone I was, a year or so into that 'friendship', I began SH. For other reasons too I mean, it isn't the greatest to grow up autistic, transgender AND an immigrant. Like a wombo combo of I'm cooked lol, so yeah I imagine before ribbit abstracted she might've.. needed other ways to cope with the mental strain of keeping a dead relationship. Of reaching out and being laughed at by the same person you gave a hand back countless times.
The shadows are my rough way to show how Jax inadvertently was keeping Ribbit to act like how he wanted. Distance to make her desperate and push away any chance of real connection, holding everyone's strings in how he preferred to puppet caricatures of his friends than actually be human. No, inside he was a scared little rabbit. Jumped away every time someone got too close. And Ribbit understood that to some level but just... Couldn't reach her fully. All that to say, I really do think Jax had her in an abusive relationship there. Not maliciously but out of fear. And it harmed her more than he noticed, and by the time she abstracted, he was just left with the crushing weight of another person he pushed away too hard.
Didn't know he haunted her every thought since then, drove her insane enough to think she had no reason to keep going if (s)he wouldn't come out for her, trust her. So she sees the purple rabbit in her nightmares. Feeling small as a kid, Alice in wonderland with the way the proportions of the room and herself doesn't seem to make sense anymore. The rabbit crawls and swallows the safe space she made there. Now, crowded by a large, yellow grin. (Isn't she lovely? lol)
ah, well, to finish this off if anyone got here- ending on a lighter note, I don't think the show truly showed enough to imply all that but aha hc amright,, oh and I'm not friends with that girl anymore, frankly Jax was not nearly enough of an actual psycho LOL
<3 mwah


















