"A little girl outside just started crying when she saw this shirt."
"Are you a fan of delicious flavor?"
"Donât be exactly half of an 11 pound black forest ham."
"Donât panic. Those bites are consistent with a T-Rex bite."
"Great. Now youâve gotten me kicked out of a funeral. Just add it to the list."
"How can you tell that someoneâs a compulsive liar? I mean, assuming that their pants arenât on fire."
"How do you just eat when thereâs a dead guy laying there?"
"I canât spend the night in the museum. I donât have my toothbrush, I donât have my multi-vitamins, and oh yeah, I donât want my soul suffering eternal damnation for disrupting the sleep of an Egyptian canal digger."
"I canât watch Channel 8 anymore. Lloyd Lansing wears a toupee. Itâs like every newscast begins with a lie."
"I donât ask questions I donât want to know the answers to."
"I donât like liars who steal nail polish and then pass out when you slap them a little bit on the back of the head."
"I feel like an angel baby swaddled in a cocoon of cloud candy."
"I feel like I have been incarcerated in a blueberry."
"I had no idea you were so serious about bowling."
"I wanted to keep it a secret! You were the one who was broadcasting it at the lunch table!"
"If I had learned how to laugh as a child I would right now."
"Okay, you have got to stop calling your nose the Super Smeller. If you want to nickname a body part, nickname your butt. Call it the Tight Bouncer or the Hexagon."
"Some guy in a wolf costume with a light saber just said hi to you."
"The spirits tell me your little pants are on fire."
"This car makes me want to weep and then die."
"What are you doing? We donât know anything about delivering warthog babies."
"Whereâd you get that juice box and does it come in grapalicious?"
"Whereâd you get that suit, the toilet store?"
"Why do people say, âI could care lessâ when they really mean, âI couldnât care less?â"
"Why you dirty, filthy rascal with the suede, suede head."
"You cannot sit here in a dark car all alone. Youâll be picked up for mopery."
"You know, if this is some sort of hazing ritual and weâre gonna end up naked in a field, Iâll need to arrange for a ride first."
pixelskylines
stormborns
areudirty
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