deeper-things.

halfwaybreathing

[skinned-deep]

it takes one second for my entire future to fade away.

[skinned-deep]

to all the people that have told me how terrible of a daughter i am. i know.

As I’ve gotten older I’ve been made to feel more and more guilty about my relationship with my mother. The older I get the more I’m reminded that as I’ve aged, so has she. And that one day she won’t be here with me anymore. 

I grew up being told every single day that I was never going to be good enough that I was never going to be worthy of being her daughter. I grew up being told that I was too fat, too ugly to be her daughter. I would never be able to find someone who would truly love me and if I did, he wouldn’t love me because no one could love someone as ugly as me. Even now at the age of 24, I’m being reminded that I will not amount to anything. 

I am useless. I am a failure. I will never be good enough. 

I’ve spent numerous nights wondering whether or not I will mourn her death considering the number of years I’ve spent wishing she weren’t able to torment me any longer. I’ve come to the conclusion that losing her will hurt no matter how I feel now but it doesn't make the emotional abuse I have faced for years any less traumatizing and real. 

She may be my mother but she doesn’t own me. 

[skinned-deep]

no matter how many years have passed, im still lonely.

[skinned-deep]

“if you let others decide how to get you through the day, it ultimately falls onto them. but if you decide for yourself, there’s no one to blame but yourself” -bt

[skinned-deep]

Paintings of my Mind

[skinned-deep]

what did i do that was so bad that i don’t deserve an explanation?

[skinned-deep]

the ultimate selfishness. 

[skinned-deep]

the idea of taking the easy way out never really leaves your mind, does it?

[skinned-deep]

wanting to die but knowing that this feeling will pass is even worse than when i wanted to do something about it. im here fighting my mind. fighting every gut feeling to end it all because i know this feeling is fleeting. but at the same time. i can feel every aching fiber in my body hurting and i want it to go away. someone please save me from my mind.

[skinned-deep]

i just want to be reminded that i matter.

[skinned-deep]

why do i have to care how any of you are doing?

i could save me so much heartache.

[skinned-deep]

082216

I'm so absolutely terrified of falling in love.

[skinned-deep]

it's been a long time since I've thought of you and how much you hurt me the first time around. and here I am again wondering if all that you said that night to me was real. was everything a lie? am I that gullible? am I that stupid?

[skinned-deep]

the first time you've talked to me in almost two years. I miss you so much babybear.

[skinned-deep]

hn: I want you to be happy. you deserve to be happy.

me: I want to be happy to. but why don't I feel like I deserve it?

[skinned-deep]

I'm sorry.

[skinned-deep]

when you meet two different presidents of two different chapters of AGS and they're both scummy. must be a prerequisite.