(( ... I’m writing this very late at night. So, I’m sorry if I seem. Off. Or something of that sort. There’s a lot of things I’m dealing with, and some things are finally rearing their ugly head. Things I thought I’d never have to think about again.
If I reply slowly to IMs, roleplays, or in general, please excuse my absence. I...
It’s really hard, right now. And I’m starting to feel like there’s not exactly an easy way out of this mess. My living situation, my mental health, everything seems like it’s faltering and on the edge of falling apart. I’m trying my best-- I really am. But recently, I just.. Don’t feel the same. I don’t feel as excited as I used to, or as interested.
I used to really adore this community. I went into the UT roleplay fandom as a Mettaton- and I felt really loved. People accepted me pretty well, and I had a lot of interaction and made many friends. Then, due to my mental health and starting to see a lot of discourse and stuff on my dash that was highly upsetting, I ended up taking a hiatus- and I never went back to that blog.
Roleplaying usually offers me some sort of distraction- that’s why I came back. But the more I look, the more people I notice that have either left or just don’t have interest. It sucks. The people who I used to know well probably wouldn’t remember me, save for a few I kept in contact with or got back into contact with-- and I love them for that. I’m glad they stuck with me, and still thought about me. Then there’s others, who seem like they just. Wiped it off their shoulder. Maybe I’m just being dumb, and belittling myself again.
I know this is probably going to sound stupid, or just straight up attention whore-y, but. I want to be noticed by the friends I used to have. I want to be cared about.
And sometimes I guess I feel like I’m not worth enough, or like people don’t wish to write with me because I’m annoying. Or don’t wish to really talk to me at all because I’m just. Not interesting, I guess? I’m unsure. The only thing I really know is that I feel alone.
More alone than I have in a long time. And it hurts. But, I digress-- I’ll probably just delete this later, honestly. This is mostly supposed to be shit you put on a personal, right? But I don’t have one, so every now and then I just. Vent out my feelings. I don’t expect any messages or anything, I just end up writing what’s on my mind and then throwing it out later, like it never existed. ))
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