⤷ chapter thirty three: the beginning of the end, ii.
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marga's notes. hehe (:
The snow has begun to descend all over Japan and almost all the things your eyes stop on are colored in white, from the roads, the barks of the trees, to the roofs of your homes. The view was accompanied by the feeling of coldness that hugs you every time you leave the comforts of your warm house and step out of the door. It was pleasant, regardless of the sore joints you get every winter. The sound of snow crunching for every footstep makes up for it, which you enjoy even better when your companion joins you in trying to skip over the uneven ground.
“Come on, Hajime, you slowpoke! We’re going to be late,” you giggle as you pick up a bit of snow and chuck it towards his direction. The past week hasn't been that eventful for the two of you, but there was still progress anyway. You two went out and traveled to various areas in hopes of obtaining more inspiration for your writing, which almost felt like a couple’s date, at least that’s what it was for him. The blurry images and incomplete voices are etched in your mind though and you find yourself lost in your train of thoughts from time to time, at least until Iwaizumi snaps you out of it and brings you back to the present.
“If you trip, I swear I’ll only laugh at you,” he jokingly warns, laughing handsomely when you stick your tongue out to him as a response.When you arrive in the middle of the campus field, you slow down and stop, catching the attention of the boy with you.
“You okay?”
You hum and take in the view as much as your vision lets you. Your eyes twinkle with childlike wonder and you exhale, releasing a fog-like breath which makes you giggle once more, “I like winter.”
“Yeah?”
You nod and feel your heart beat with excitement, “yeah, it’s really fun. I hope it’s always like this.”
He grabs your glove-covered hand with his and smile, “me too. I hope so too.”
Contrary to your words, an oddly familiar warmth that nestles its way to your heart when your eyes settle on a familiar figure idly standing from afar and you start to think that maybe… just maybe, you might actually like the warm summer better than a cold winter. As if there’s a force pulling you, your feet start to walk towards their direction, the previous stable beating of your heart becomes erratic the more you come near.
“Hey, the party’s in that direction, where are we–” Hajime starts to ask, before he stops when he feels your hand letting go of him and sees who you’re approaching. His heart drops because there goes his peace once again, replaced by the agonizing torture of watching you naturally gravitate towards your fated one. He doesn’t think you realize this and somehow, that knowledge makes it more excruciating.
He stays behind you when you stand giddily in front of the blonde boy who has not yet took notice of your presence, too busy enjoying how he was playing and kicking the snow with his feet, eyes also filled with childlike wonder. And Hajime wants to lurch because Atsumu’s scarily just like you. You two were just made for each other and it gases up Hajime’s insides with bitterness.
Because, why do I have to go against the universe for this, he asks no one in particular.
He watches when Atsumu mindlessly kicks and the snow hits your direction, making you squeal-giggle due to the cold sensation. Hajime thinks your happiness was mostly due to the delight of seeing the blonde. And he wants to just disappear because, how can Atsumu make you laugh like that without even trying? And fate was just so, so cruel and unfair he can barely be graced with your smile.
As you stand in front of him, it dawns upon you that looking at him magnifies the warmth you feel amidst the coldness of your surroundings. You watch the surprise that forms on Atsumu’s face when he realizes it was you who he kicked the snow to before he dumbfoundedly asks, “YN, y-you’re here?”
You gently nod and make up the excuse that you got a bit lost on your way to the direction of the café where the christmas party was supposed to be. Perhaps, for now, you’d keep to yourself the fact that you went over to him on your own accord. It would be a bit difficult (and weird) to tell him that your feet just pulled you to him, after all.
“We’re not close enough for me to say this but I think you’re too stressed to not even see me in front of you, Atsumu-san. Are you okay?” You ask with genuine concern as you take in what seems like fatigue and melancholy plastered all over his face.
“Oh… not close, huh? Well.. yeah, training for the V-League has just been hard,” he meekly replies while rubbing his nape sheepishly, “I thought ya wouldn’t be able to come, so I’m honestly surprised right now. Ya said you were going to prepare stuff for the launching of your book, right?”
As you open your mouth to respond, you hear Iwaizumi call your name. You swiftly look back and smile before returning your gaze on Atsumu, “Well, I was planning to go back to Cali for a bit but figured I wanted to launch it here, in my hometown. Besides, this boy right here was persistent on convincing his…” you halt, feeling nauseous as you pick your words.Oddly enough, you think you want to puke out the brunch you had with Iwaizumi a while ago. Traitor, traitor! The voice at the back of your mind screams at you but you try to ignore it and force a smile as you gestured to the boy beside you, “soulmate to stay home.”
The black haired lad’s arm wraps itself around your waist and nods at the blonde in greeting, “it’s nice to see you again, Atsumu-san.”
Atsumu forces a tight-lipped smile and replies with a heavy accent (and a heavy heart), “nice to see ya too, Iwaizumi-kun.”
There’s an aggressive tension between them that you try not to acknowledge, but it fills the air among you three with awkwardness. You feel a sense of tightness within you the longer Iwaizumi holds you so you step out of his hold, not noticing the hurt that passes so quickly in his eyes before he looks at the blonde whose eyes were already on him.
You think you’re threading into something that may blow out to become an ugly fight, so you fake out a cough, “ehem, so I assume we’re all heading towards the same place? So let’s all go together?”
Atsumu nods and joins you as you walk towards the campus, steps becoming more light and alive as compared to how he was walking a while ago. Hajime closely follows behind you, slowly drowning in the bitterness.
The sourness of it all engulfs him whole but as you continue to talk with Atsumu while walking, he sees that your smile was too beautiful to ruin the moment. So he only gulps it all up and walks near the two of you as you converse with each other. He ignores the pricks and needles of anguish, praying it doesn’t eat his soul, doesn’t consume his heart. Your smile was too beautiful, happiness looks good on you and he’d be damned if he’s the cause of its downfall.
You relish in the familiar faces that fill in your vision as the Christmas party and mini-reunion goes on. They talk about how they can recall the incidents that happened before and during the Cinderella play you did, how magnificent you and your co-stars were, and so many more. You try to go along the flow of conversations, but there’s an itchy and uncomfortable thought that tickles your mind as you try to recall the play. Who was your partner in the play again?
Unfortunately, whenever you try to ask, they only laugh and think you were joking. Only statements of ‘Silly YN, that’s a nice joke!’ but no names are dropped. Somehow, it feels like your heart is screaming that it was the blonde standing just on the other side of the room, laughing and interacting with the other partygoers as well. His eyes travel around the room before they meet yours and light up, he waves while you blush like a high schooler. You bashfully wave back before you drop your arms when he approaches.
“Told you it would be fun,” Atsumu exclaims as he leans near your ear for you to hear over the loud music playing all over the gymnasium.
You laugh and nod, “Fine, you win! Can’t imagine if I didn’t come and stay bored at home.”
“You’d probably be missing me,” he jokes, but the way he looks at you makes you think it’s far from being a joke.
Your heart skips and you gulp, “Probably.”
He blushes and smiles widely at your reply before he lightly takes your hand and pulls you near the center of the gym, “let’s dance!”
You shake your head ‘no’ rapidly and stop him, “Nope, not a chance. I’d rather die, Tsum!”
Despite your attempts at rejections, he succeeds as you two stand facing each other. You hear awws from your acquaintances when the music suddenly changes from a lively song to a slow romantic one. He bows like a prince before offering you his hand, “may I have this dance?”
You stare at him and he stares back as he awaits your response.
Miya Atsumu was a wonder to your eyes, enchanting you with magic you would’ve never imagined you’d feel as he holds his gaze on you, as if to say: “I’m casting a spell on you. You won’t be able to get rid of me now.” And suddenly, he’s holding your heart in his palms, taking it, keeping it. And you’re letting him. Because if he cherishes it, you’d be thanking the heavens above. And if he breaks it–
“It would be my pleasure,” you tell him as you put your hand in his. And then, your heart warms, dances with him in this beautiful, cold night. It goes on for what feels like eternity before the song finally comes to an end. You two stay still in the middle of the floor, almost as if no one was there with you. He opens his mouth and closes it, no words coming out despite the abundance of it within him. You encourage him silently, smiling fondly as if you were saying “I’m waiting, just take your time.” And he feels so bad, to have always been the one to make you wait so he speaks.
His voice, full of emotion, wavers and cracks when he speaks, “I’m sorry… for everything.”
Your face morphs into one of confusion, not knowing why was suddenly apologizing, “why are you apologizing? You didn’t do anything, Tsum.”
“You’d hate me if you knew,” he whispers and then, you hear the lively music come back as the crowd returns to the dance floor. He releases you from his hold and sadly smiles at you, “and I’d rather die than see you hate me, YN.”
And as he disappears into the crowd, he takes your heart with this and leaves you in a void.
“That was a heartwarming dance,” a girl’s voice from behind you comments. You turn to look back and see a very familiar face.
“Yui!” you exclaim while she raises an eyebrow at your enthusiasm .
“That’s a rather happy way of greeting me. Aren’t you supposed to hate me?” She furrows her brows this time when she sees confusion on your face, “huh, that’s interesting. I guess you don’t know anything yet?”
She looks around and back at you, rolling her eyes at your very much lost self, before pulling you towards the girls’ bathroom, “wipe that dumb look on your pretty face and come with me.”
Feeling overwhelmed by the suddenness of Atsumu’s emotions and Yui’s confusing words, you follow her like a lost child. She lets the bathroom door close automatically and you two stand by the sink. She places her bag on the dry part of it and brings out her make-up purse, handing a pressed powder to you before turning to the mirror and taking out her gloss to retouch her lips.
“Freshen up yourself, Cinderella Number 2,” she says oh-so-casually. You snap out of your confusing thoughts and look at her through the mirror.
“What do you mean by that… why am I supposed to hate you?” you ask her as you try to open the container of the pressed powder.
“Because… I ruined everything for you,” she sighs and helps you open it before going back to doing her thing.
“Huh?” she rolls her eyes at your response.
“You’re not stupid, YN… you know he isn’t your soulmate, right?” she tells you, looking directly into your eyes through the mirror, “you know Hajime isn’t your soulmate.”
She stops for a while as she observes how you’re taking in the information she’s saying before continuing, “it’s anticlimactic, I know. You’re supposed to get this thrilling or surprising revelation for your soulmate searching agenda, but you already know who it is deep down, don’t you? So, it doesn’t really matter if I spoil it for you.”
You meekly nod and whimper a quiet ‘yeah’ as you feel your chest throb, in relief or in pain? You have no idea. The emotions you feel are threatening to oversurge form your heart as you feel your eyes well up with tears.
“You don’t need me for this but I guess I wanted to feel like a good person somehow. So, I’m telling you.. what… or rather, who you feel, who you’re thinking of… you’re right, it’s him.”
She says it with so much finality and for some odd reasons, you feel like a pain wretched deep in your heart was loosened and freed.
“So my memories are not all fucked up? I was right, wasn’t I? You were Hajime’s soulmate,” you ask her, making her laugh.
“Of course, your memory’s not fucked up, sweets. It’s him who’s fucked up, but I guess he just loves you that much, even way beyond his feelings for me as his soulmate,” she sadly smiles, “though that doesn’t mean it was alright for him to lie about that.”
“But… why are you telling me all this? Aren’t you supposed to hate me too?”
She shrugs, “I don’t know… I guess I just don’t want to feel shitty anymore. Guilt’s a very heavy thing to carry. I think that goes the same for Atsumu.”
She checks her face in the mirror and smiles in satisfaction when her lips are glossy again. She looks at you through the mirror once more, “anyway, soulmate or not, your heart is yours to decide with, YN. Just remember that.”
You go to the bathroom, feeling lightheaded and overwhelmed from all the events that just transpired. You clumsily walk back to the gymnasium, everything just feels too fast, too sudden, too relieving, too maddening all at the same time. You lean against the walls of the hallway and take a deep breath to calm yourself down, but tears start to escape from your eyes.
Atsumu.
You stand up once again and continue to walk, going inside the gymnasium.
Tsum.
Your eyes scan the crowd but you find it difficult to see the blonde, not when the only light source you have is the mirrorball hanging in the middle of the gym.
Where is he?
“YN, I’ve been looking for you! Where have you been?” Hajime asks, deep relief in his voice. You freeze and feel the anger bubbling within you. You glare at him, much to his surprise before you hastily walk away from him.
“Hey, YN. Wait up!” You don’t but unfortunately for you, Hajime’s strides could easily catch up to you and so, he grabs you by the arm, to which you harshly pull away from.
“Don’t touch me, don’t even think about coming near me, you… you liar! How dare you?” you ask him vexingly. Some of your companions in the party turned to look at the commotion as soon as the music toned down to a slow song once again.
“What’s wrong? What happened? Are you okay? Calm down, love,” he tries to talk you through it but to no avail, your anger has gotten the best of you. You hold a finger up and point it at his chest.
“Don’t–! Don’t call me that,” you whisper with all the loath you feel, voice coarse and broken, “you.. you don’t fucking love me. You just like the idea that I was like you, unloved and pushed aside by my soulmate. You… you traitor..!”
He tries to act all confused, despite the erratic beating of his heart. He can't lose you, not now. You were both doing fine, what happened? Did you know? Did you get your memories back? No, you're not supposed to. His frantic eyes and pale face betrays him as you humorlessly laugh, "I fucking know everything, Iwaizumi."
marga's notes. haji, my guy, i have no words for you but i am so sorry
There’s an endless abyss of questions that sit just by the ends of your tongue and threaten to spill from your mouth as the blonde haired lad continues to lace your fingers together, as if all of these were normal, as if not even a single thing about it was supposed to be unnatural. Your heart unusually thumps louder and faster when he gently smiles and everything zones out. Albeit the crowd that starts to form as you stand in the middle of the streets, there’s serenity that’s settling within you as he holds you near him.
You want to ask why he’s compliant with your actions, why feeling his warmth on the tips of your fingers seems innate for you, why your heart screams to have his. You hold back though, scared that it may ruin this.
“Uhm…” you trail off, unsure on what to talk about after your mini-breakdown and your current circumstances. There’s a light blush dusting your cheeks, feeling giddy like you were both teenagers. How shameful, you chastise yourself.
“Let’s wait for Samu to get back,” he only says, lightly squeezing his hold of you, probably as an attempt to assure you that everything’s good. Yeah, everything’s fine– you’ve never felt better before.
You both stand there in comfortable silence, watching the passersby and feeling the wind lightly swoosh the strands of your hair. He quietly hums a tune, heart dancing (it also skips because he’s holding your hand and he’s also never felt better before).
“That’s from Cinderella, right? The live action,” you speak up, recognizing the song. Lavender’s Blue.
He turns his head to look at you, eyes brightening while he nods and replies, “yeah, it’s become my favorite.”
Your mouth forms an ‘o’ due to the unexpected words. He chuckles at your expression, “guess you never took me to be the type who enjoys sappy songs like that, huh?”
You shrug, “you can’t blame me, it’s literally a nursery song, Tsum.”
Tsum. His heart skips again at the familiar moniker.
“It reminds me of someone,” he explains, looking at you rather wistfully. Your chest starts to contract, the vein of temptation moves closer to the opening of your lips, pulling your heart, your nerves. You have to do it, you have to ask.
“About your thread, who was your soulm–”
“And I’m back! God, the queue was way too long. It’s just waffles, damn. Why do people obsess over it?” Osamu cuts you off, three packs of waffles in his hold while he rambles on, “it can literally be m…ade at home...”
There’s a stunned look plastered on his face when he comes closer to the both of you as his voice quiets down by the end of his rants. His eyes quickly flicker down towards your joined hands, but he doesn’t comment on it. Instead, he hands you your waffles, stands beside you and hums in delight, seemingly pleased with the progress between his brother and you. Hmm, I guess the queue was worth it. My matchmaking skills never fail.
“Sorry, YN. I didn’t quite catch you a while ago, what were you asking again?” Atsumu gives you a slightly apologetic look and leans closer.
The question dies within you as you purse your lips and shake your head, “it was nothing, don’t mind me.”
It’s all foolish anyway, you chastise yourself again.
You spend the rest of the morning loitering around the familiar streets of your previous home. Eventually though, you end up in the old playground where you, Osamu and Kiyoomi used to play volleyball when you were kids, at least that’s what you remember. If only your memory was not malfunctional.
You sit idly at the swing, waiting for your brother to catch up with you three as he had some work to do a while ago.
“By the way, we’re planning to have a Christmas party sometime this month. You should come, it’s like a mini reunion with some of our acquaintances from college too,” Atsumu tells from beside you, excitement evident in his voice. On the other hand, Osamu feels conflicted, would it really be a good idea to bring all the people in this chaotic fate together in one event?
“Oh, I’m not sure. I’m finalizing some stuff for the launch of my book so I might be here and there, going around places, you know? Besides, I wouldn’t want to intrude.”
“What do you mean intrude? It’ll be fun, you know the people there, anyway. They were our companions when we did the Cinderella play together!”
Osamu chokes on his own saliva at Atsumu’s words. Idiot! Idiot! This stupid idiot!
“Come again?”
The blonde realizes what he just said and frantically tries to think of an excuse. Only, there is none. He can’t take back what he said, he can’t–
“You’ve both been slipping up the whole day, you know? You have to do better than that if you want me to believe that you’re both not keeping something from me,” you casually say, “you’re not good at this.”
You stand up and face them both, eyes narrowing when both of them gulp out of nervousness. You move your gaze towards the blonde, “just who are you, Atsumu?”
The wind picks up its pace and whooshes the fallen leaves at the ground. The sand feels hot beneath Atsumu’s feet. This was not supposed to happen, at least not today. He wasn’t prepared. Because how was he supposed to tell you the truth? How was he supposed to say that he was your soulmate, the one who asked you to cut both your threads, the one who caused all this mess? How can he ever face another disappointment on your face and how will he take the picture of your loath towards him?
“Hey, you three look constipated,” a voice from behind you speaks, breaking the tense air in the playground. There stood your brother with a volleyball in his hand and a small smile formed by his lips. He holds the ball up, “wanna play like the good ol’ times?”
And yet again, fate tries to intervene.
With the tension from minutes ago forgotten, you and Atsumu team up to play against your brother and his. It’s nothing too serious though, just a game where you all try to pick up scattered memories from your childhood, laughter and giggles resonating all over the playground. When your duo scores, Atsumu gives you an enthusiastic cheer and a high five, and your heart does a flip in celebration. He looked pretty, even more so when he’s happy.
“Dude! Stop playing seriously, you can’t keep scoring when YN hasn’t even gotten one,” Osamu whines and pulls on Kiyoomi, “and you, boy, play seriously, will you?! You can’t let this airhead beat us, you’re better than that.”
The curly haired lad only grumbles about how childish Osamu was.
Atsumu cackles, “Samu, just get better!”
Another round begins and Kiyoomi lightly serves the ball. Atsumu, with how experienced he was in the game, catches the ball with ease and brings it to your direction, “YN, it’s yours!”
You jump and spike it towards the other side, laughing when Osamu is unable to receive it.
“Yes!” you shriek and turn to your partner in surprise and joy at the same time, “I scored!”
He nods enthusiastically and cheers with you, “You did! That’s my girl!”
That’s my girl…
There’s a searing ache that suddenly comes to your head, accompanied by bright lights and echoing voices.
YN, I told you to calm down….
Distorted and blurry images of what seems like a silhouette of a younger you and Atsumu quickly flash.
I love you, Atsumu…
…. Hey, why do you look emotional today?
You wince and stagger back, hand going up to clutch your head, as if it would help ease the mental pain you’re feeling. The blonde takes notice of it and comes closer with alarm and worry all over his face, “YN, are you alright? Do you not feel good?”
I love you too, YN, always remember that although I’m so shitty sometimes.
You frantically gasp for air as your chest starts to feel tight, “I… I c-can’t–”
“Uhh, guys,” Atsumu anxiously calls out to your other companion while reaching out his arms to catch you, “YN? Stay with me, hey…. shit, YN!”
The last thing that comes to your view is his panic-filled and watery orbs, Osamu and your brother running in your direction from behind him. You try to read his mouth as he tries to speak to you, but you do not hear his words. You think he was saying ‘I’m sorry for everything’ and perhaps, ‘please don’t leave me again.’
As you give in to the synchronous pain of your head and heart, you close your eyes and lonely tears escape from them. Then everything fades into black.
Maybe you were just being delusional. Or perhaps, it’s fate finally going back to your side.
After what seemed like eternity, you awoke with a gasp and sat up abruptly. What the hell just happened? It seems you were transferred to your room, the familiarity of the wall paint and decors sinking in. There’s a hunched figure by your desk, clicking on your laptop, rather aggressively.
“... Hajime? Is that you?” Hearing your voice, he sits up straight but does not turn around, his focus fixated on your laptop. What could be so intriguing in it that he won’t–
“Shit.. don’t read that!” you exclaim, immediately standing up. You feel a bit of dizziness coursing through your body once again but you ignore it and try to approach him rapidly, “those are my drafts!”
“I’ll make it remember my love for you… because it’s you… because I’m a fool for you,” he finally starts talking, an angry timbre of disbelief lying underneath his voice, “what do you even do when somebody claims to be your fated one but your soul rejects the notion…?”
He turns around and you reel back from the hate that’s swimming in his eyes, “you were never gonna believe me. You’re never gonna love me. Fucking hell, you don’t even want to try this shit with me!”
“Hajime, that’s for my book. It’s fucking fiction, idiot!” you angrily respond. All sorts of betrayal coursing through the both of you as you heave a breath– him from reading your what seems like a diary, you from him going through your things without permission. It was as if he invaded your mind and made a mess once again, leaving you all mad, confused and feeling shitty.
He humorlessly laughs at your words, “you must think I’m a pushover or something, huh?”
He turns to look down at the laptop again. your drafts are still on display. He points at it, “YN, I’m not fucking dumb. Stop lying, you’re not fucking good at it. This..? This is you. All of this is you! I’m not fucking stupid.. god..!”
Stupid gods… can’t even do… right….
The searing lights return once again. Another wave of distorted, blurry images cause you to step back and wince. There’s a continuous echo of voices that fill your ears, all familiar yet unfamiliar at the same time. Iwaizumi notices your behavior, finally calming down. You can’t hear what he was saying though, the voices were too overwhelming.
Giving it… coward and a selfish… can’t even cut…
… I love you, Ts–... don’t ever regret…
You stumble, tears welling up your eyes as you try to get used to the pain. Your efforts go in vain though, so you cry. The fight gets abandoned as he gathers you in his arms, shushing you, “hey, listen to me. Breathe. You’re okay. You’re fine, we’ll be fine.”
He repeats the words as strokes down your hair. We’ll be fine, YN.
And it’s almost as if he’s trying more to convince himself than you.
You both sat on your bed as you calmed down. He plays with your finger and doesn’t look up at you but he softly speaks, “just give me a chance.”
You stay quiet, head too busy recalling the voices that played in your head just seconds ago. You only look at his figure, guilt filling your guts when he looks back at you with begging eyes, “please, YN.”
“I’m trying,” you whisper sorrily, “I really am.”
The rest of the night remains uncomfortably serene as you eat dinner with your family. You pretend you don’t notice each and every lingering, angry gaze Kiyoomi gives to Iwaizumi. You pretend it doesn’t bother you when he calls on the spiky haired lad and asks him to talk privately. You pretend it doesn’t and yet here you were, following them to where they stood outside, in your backyard.
They’re a little far from where you were hiding though, so you only pick up a portion of their conversation.
“Why are you doing this, Iwaizumi-san?”
“I like her. Actually let me correct that, I love her.”
“Hmm. Are you sure about that?”
“You don’t believe me?”
“Not really. After all, you do not intentionally make a fool out of someone you love, Iwaizumi.”
it kills me a little, that's okay 'cause i'd die for you—
⤷ contents. gender neutral reader, petnames (he calls you baby and dude), angst (and a sprinkle of fluff i think)
there's stillness in the night as gojo lays idly on his bed, relishing the very short break he has before the strenuous work at jujutsu tech begins once again. his room is engulfed with darkness, barely lit by the dim brightness that comes from the screen of his phone.
"hello, satoru's phone! yn here, hehe."
a minimal smile appears on his face as he plays a familiar video, greeted by your bright expression as you try to position the phone in a better angle. his thumb hovers over the screen as he pauses when your face comes near, mimicking gesture as if he's stroking the apples of your cheeks. there are veins of melancholy that burrows its way deep into the crevices of his core before he resumes the recording.
as soon as you've achieved your goal of stabilizing the device, you start speaking again.
"so, you might be wondering what in the world am i doing right now. well, this is a surprise video mess—"
"baby, have you seen my shaving cream?" he hears his voice ask in the background, albeit muffled. he remembers how he was poking around the bathroom cabinet, preparing for a flight he will have to catch in the evening, he remembers how you scoffed beforehand when he told you suguru or shoko could do it for him, he remembers how long you nagged him about being a responsible adult and that he should learn to do it on his own. he remembers it all too well.
he chuckles lightly upon watching you roll your eyes.
"top left in the drawer! silly 'toru, what would you do without me?" you whisper to yourself as you shake your head and turn to face the phone again, "anyway, as what i was saying, this is a surprise message! you might see this once you're in the airplane, or in the hotel room… heck, you might even see this as soon as you hold your phone, which would be a bummer but…"
"... what are you doing?" his face appears in the video and although he has seen this video for so many times already, he reels back in surprise at how different he looks– a bit younger yet so much happier. he watches the youthful him naturally place his chin just above your shoulder blades, eyes scanning the lens before leaning in to peck your cheeks multiple times. you giggle and try to move away, but he follows you.
and if he had the chance again, he'll willingly follow you anywhere.
"ahh, satoru, you big bummer. this was supposed to be a surprise! i was recording a video for you…" you whine out and he remembers raising his brow in interest, intrigued by the reason why you thought of such idea. he assumes you recognized his facial expression as one of curiousity so you continue to talk, "you know, so that if we break up, you'll never be able to move on and you'll be too busy missing me."
there's a pause of silence in the video and once again, he recalls the two of you staring at each other after you say that. you purse your lips when he suddenly lets out a boisterous cackle, "pfft— baby, what the heck? that won't happen. you're never gonna get away from me. it's you and me forever now. it'll always be you for me, dude."
the video shakes and satoru only sees blurry frames but his mind and soul vividly pictures the memory of attacking your face with more kisses as he wraps his arms around you while you squeal and giggle, "satoru… *kiss*… stop! let …*kiss*... me finish… *kiss*... the video… *kiss*"
a few seconds later, you reappear and satoru wonders how is it possible for you get even brighter and more beautiful. you pout and look at the boy beside you, who only grins smugly, "you ruined it. plus, that was supposed to be romantic and shit but you just had to call me dude, huh?"
"nyenye, finish that already so we can kiss," he says exasperatedly and slumps his body on yours. you roll your eyes once again, "you're such a boy, 'toru. are you even done packing yet?"
he freezes and slowly lets you go, sheepishly smiling before going back to the bathroom. you laugh, "so irresponsible, you dummy!"
you turn your eyes back on the camera and he sees pure adoration and fondness swimming in them, "you know i could never say all these to you directly, 'cause your head might get big. but it'll always be you for me too, satoru."
a sharp claw of agony grips his heart tightly and it refuses to let go. he refuses to let go. and suddenly, he's opening up his contacts, scrolling through the list before he stops right when he reaches yours– he never changed the nickname, never even thought of blocking you after you broke up with him through the same, exact phone he was holding, telling him how you couldn't do it anymore; being a jujutsu sorcerer, losing friends, being with him, and all that there is to it. so, you reopen the same wounds suguru left him and bid your own farewell. and yet, he could never do all those, couldn't change nor remove anything that has something to do with you, because that would mean giving up on you. it would mean he was letting you go.
and just like how he can never delete your number, he can never delete you from his life.
thus, he clicks. and he feels so anxious, so impulsive and so sad. the ringing goes on for what felt like forever. then it stops.
"satoru?" he hears your voice, his name rolling off your tongue, so sweet and silky. and suddenly, he's back in the years of his youth, as if he was eighteen all over again.
"i…" he feels a sickening lump in his throat when he starts to speak, desperate to get out and cry to you, "sorry. i'm stupid, i didn't mean to disturb you."
he hears a soft rustle from the other side of the phone before he hears you once more, "hmm, it's fine."
there was a hint of sleepiness in your voice and he figures the call woke you up, "were you sleeping?"
you only hum in agreement and satoru feels awfully jealous at how you can sleep in peace at this hour while he spends most of his nights trying to fight the insomniac thoughts that threaten consume his mind whole. but he feels relieved in a way, because he wouldn't want you to spend these lonely evenings and midnights the same way as he does. he's only wanted to keep the smile on your face, after all. that's enough for him.
"i was watching the video," he gulps the pain away, "and you were right, i don't think i'll ever be able to move on."
you don't reply but he thinks… no, he knows you're listening.
"i'm too busy missing you, you know," he manages to chuckle despite the claw that rips his heart out of his chest bit by bit the more silent seconds that pass by.
"but i know. we've had our time," he adds when he hears you trail off while speaking his name once again.
"you… you're happy, right?" he chokes out a cough to cover the wavering of his voice when he feels that the end of the phone call is nearing. from the other side of the phone, you sit up and hold the phone by your ear tightly, "mhm, i believe so."
the claw has finally made a hole on his chest, "o-okay… that's good. that's good."
it's fine, he tries to convince himself. you're happy and that's all that matters to him anyway.
"you should go back to sleep," he whispers when a tear finally escape from the windows of his eyes. you hum quietly, "i really should."
"okay."
"okay."
and as if it was all a mere dream of his, the call drops along with his heart. he opens up his gallery, welcomed by the paused video he was watching a while ago. it stopped with your face in view again and his fingers hover the screen once more. you gotta stop, you gotta let go now, a voice screams at the back of his mind. and he clicks,
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the layers of gloom return in his chest, marking your image within him, carving each and every of your features, and he feels like he's at the beginning of the end once more. his thumb presses on the screen and the loop of his remorse repeats, over and over again as he whispers, "it'll always be you for me."
marga's notes. sorry this took years to post i was dead (inside) jk lol pls blame my uni for burning me out
Perhaps, I was too ambitious to think this would be a plain sailing journey. How ironic, it's the exact opposite of what is happening. Doubt and confusion presents itself as soon as I decide to fight our fate. My mind only has perplexity and skepticism. How could it not? I mean, what do you even do when somebody claims to be your fated one but your soul rejects the notion?
The sound of the television's static travels to your ears as Kiyoomi scrolls through his phone to find a good movie to watch for the night, accompanied by the sound of your mother chopping the ingredients of your family's dinner from the kitchen, albeit somewhat muffled. Your fingers remain hovering over the laptop's keyboard, unsure if you should still continue writing when once again, various things distract you, most of them unwelcomed. As if on cure, your phone chimes for the nth time, signaling that you've received yet another text. You only let out an exasperated sigh and pick up the device, reading the message.
[7:15] Hajime: Hey, wanna vc? Just ate dinner, hope you did too :)
For some reasons you don’t know, Iwaizumi just can’t leave you alone from the moment you got off the plane, went outside the airport up until now, where you’re spending your time with your father and brother after being away from them for so long. It was heart fluttering at first, really; how excited he was to see and to be with you. However, some things are just too much sometimes, especially when all you wanted to do was watch said movie and catch up with your family. It was peace: something you craved for as of the moment because in the back of your mind, you knew that the following months would become chaotic.
The gray screen gets filled with vivid colors when Kiyoomi finally finishes setting up a random romantic comedy movie. Quickly typing out a response, you hit the send button.
[7:17PM] You: That’s good to hear. We already ate as well. Currently watching a movie with ‘Omi and Dad right now so I won’t be able to reply after this. Have a good night :)
[7:19PM] Hajime: Ah.. okay then. Good night, soulmate <3
You pause to read his last message before finally turning the do not disturb mode on and lightly tossing the phone to the side. Heaving yet another sigh, you catch the attention of your brother who was sitting beside you.
"Do you not like this movie? We can change it if you want, it hasn't been that long anyway," your brother suggests, an eyebrow rising when you shake your head. Your dad was long asleep by the couch he usually relaxes on, probably fatigued from the week's work. You turn to your brother's gaze.
"No, just thinking…" you trail off, "what do you think of Iwaizumi?"
Kiyoomi merely shrugs, “eh, he’s fine.”
You huff, “at least give an effort to think about it more. I’m asking a serious question here, you know?”
The frustrated expression on your face causes your brother to ponder over the query a bit more before sighing, “this is difficult. We’re not even that close for me to comment on him. But he looks decent, like he can take care of you.”
His brows furrow when he perceives the slight disappointment on your face, almost as if you were expecting to hear him say negative things instead, “what’s up with you?”
“You really think he’s good?” you lightly say, eyes wandering as if lost further in your own thoughts. He hums, “yeah, something like that. But then again, you don’t need him to take care of you. You can do that yourself, and even if you can’t, you have me, or Osamu.. And his brother, Atsumu.”
He takes note of the way your face subconsciously lights up at the mention of the blonde’s name. Instinctively, it’s always him.
“O-okay,’’ you stutter with a light blush.
He ignores it though, it’s a topic set for another time and goes to ask instead, “mind filling me on why you suddenly ask about Iwaizumi-san?”
Your somberness returns and once again, you look confused, doubtful, “well, he said he was my soulmate…”
Kiyoomi’s eyes widened, as if he couldn’t believe what he heard.
You don’t notice it as you continue to ramble on, “and I don’t know why but I just find it difficult to believe him and I feel guilty about that. ‘Cause I try to think about it, he doesn’t have any reason to lie to me, right? Especially since you yourself said he was a good guy. But, ugh, this is so complicated.”
“Come again?” He asks through gritted teeth, his fists starting to clench in anger. You look at him oddly, which turns to a glare in a second, annoyed that he wasn’t fully listening, “I said… I find it difficult–”
“No, not that. The one before that.”
“Ugh, I said Hajime told me he was my soulmate before. You know, the one I can’t remember? Well, at least that’s what I thought but apparently, he thinks it was a malfunction with the soulmate system. Because I can clearly remember him as my friend and yet, he insists that maybe the system distorted my memories or something like that,” you finish talking, expectantly looking at him, lurching backwards when you see his reaction, “Hey… you okay, ‘Omi? Okay.. I’m sorry. I know I wasn’t supposed to search for him anymore nor entertain soulmate stuff.. but you know how impo–”
“Let’s not talk about it anymore,” he abruptly stands up from the couch and quickly makes his way upstairs. You scramble to get up, “hey! Where are you going? Omi! You said you wanted to watch this movie…”
You only hear his bedroom door close as a response.
“Geez, what got up that weirdo’s ass? So much for a movie night.. one falls asleep right away while the other has very bad mood swings,” you mutter under your breath, shaking your head as you go back to the living room, picking up your phone and trudging upstairs to your bedroom. You unlock your phone and see messages from Osamu and another from Hajime.
[7:30PM] Samu: Tomorrow. Here at our house. I don’t accept a no. Good night ^_^
[7:35PM] Hajime: Oh, by the way, do you want to go out tomorrow? (:
“Sorry, Haji. Don’t really want to disappoint Samu,” you whisper as you type out replies for the both of them, the guilt of not minding if you disappoint Hajime instead becomes a fleeting thought.
Before you can even raise your fist to knock, the familiar wooden front door opens widely and you are welcomed by the sight of your gray-haired best friend. He pulls you in a tight hug and mumbles curses as he buries his face in your neck, “You took too long… way too long, idiot.”
“It was only a few years, you dramatic ass. Never took you to be a clingy type of friend,” you hug him back with the same tightness before letting him go and walking inside their humble abode. He excitedly leads you to the living room, “wait here. Let me just get my brother.”
“Uhh… what?”
“Oh! I forgot to tell you, we’re going out with him. You know, like what we used to all do when we were–” his eyes widened as if he remembered something before lightly coughing and continuing to speak, “I mean… like what we both used to do, you know? But this time, with him. It’s been a long time since he came home too… and this could be a chance for you two to get closer to one another.”
He finishes rambling, internally praying you don’t catch the nervousness in his voice due to his slip-up a moment ago. He curses when he sees you slowly nod. With so many years of knowing you, Osamu already knew from your expressions that you caught even that minor mistake, how you’re currently scrutinizing each and every word they all speak ever since you came back and how you’re starting to get suspicious about everyone around you.
He doesn’t know if he should thank or curse Kiyoomi for giving him a heads up about your plans to find your soulmate. It makes him so conscious, so nervous he might accidentally tell you that the very person you’re trying to find is his dearest twin brother.
At the present, however, he only gulps and prays instead that you just pretend you didn’t notice anything. You do exactly that when you shrug and tell him, “alright then. That’s no problem for me.”
“G-good,” he says a little too loudly, mentally slapping himself to get it together, “I’ll… get Atsumu now hehe.”
You narrow your eyes at his weirdness, shaking your head before bringing your phone out to check your socials. You hum with interest as you open a message from Hajime.
I like to believe that I’m trying– that I enjoy the idea of being his soulmate, that I look on with favor to partaking in this play pretend, this fantastical theatrics of trying to work things out the way they are– me as his fated one, him as mine.
[9:09AM] Hajime-kun: Good morning, soulmate :) I’m a bit bummed we couldn’t go out. Anyway, enjoy your day with Osamu. Hopefully, it’ll finally be my day tomorrow?
[9:10AM] You: Good morning, Hajime-kun. Sorry again about that hehe but sure, I think I’m finally free tomorrow haha
[9:12AM] Hajime-kun: Great! Also, I told you to drop the honorifics. You feel so distant when you use it *sadly sighs*
[9:13AM] You: Silly. I just respect you that much, okay?
You hear multiple footsteps coming down so you quickly type out another message for him.
[9:14AM] You: Anyway, I have to go now. See you tomorrow.
You type out the word soulmate at the end of your text, only to delete it as soon as you pull on your heart.
But I’m no actress. It’s all treachery. Whenever I try to give him a chance, I feel like a traitor. It’s almost as if I was betraying someone, like I’m unknowingly breaking somebody else’s heart, my soulmate’s heart, somebody who my heart believes was not him. So I step back and hesitate, maybe I should just stop this. To prevent any more complications, to not feel guilty towards anyone, not to you and not to him.
Before you can drown deeper in your thoughts, the twins come into view. You give Atsumu a shy smile as a greeting, feeling your heart skip when he returns the gesture. Osamu looks back and forth at the two of you and thinks, I guess the soulmate system really is a scam, huh? Even fate can’t handle these two. So obvious.
He rolls his eyes and scoffs, “What are you two? High schoolers? You could do better than those shy smiles.”
You both awkwardly chuckle, both cursing the gray-haired lad in your minds.
“Fine, fine. It’s nice to see you again, Atsumu-san,” you genuinely smile and Atsumu’s heart skips. So pretty, he thought.
“It’s also nice to see ya again.”
Welcome home, YN, the blonde thinks with relief and solace filling his soul.
“Waah, it’s been so long since I came here,” you exclaim as your eyes take in the view of the very familiar and busy street market of your hometown. Atsumu looks at you fondly, hands itching to just grab yours and pull you to his arms while you stroll around the area but his thoughts don’t let him get too far as his twin calls him. “You’re too obvious, boy. You look like a lovesick puppy,” Osamu snorts, hands in his pockets as they watch you excitedly talk to the stall owners, “she wanted you to look at her that way for so long, yanno? Too long.”
“Yeah… I still regret that,” Atsumu sadly smiles, “Nothing much I can do about it now. Our fate’s passed.”
“Or so you think,” his twin shrugs when the blonde looks at him with confusion, “YN… even without her memories of you, is still YN. It’s funny, actually. Even fate couldn’t control her. Even after all that has happened, she still wants to find you. So don’t be a coward, Tsum. You don’t need to ask the world nor the gods for a second chance. YN… she’s giving it to you herself already, even without you asking.”
Atsumu looks at you once more, heart painfully throbbing at your smile as you call the both of them over to where you are.
“She doesn’t realize it, neither do ya but… she still looks at ya the same way as she did before,” Osamu finishes as he pats Atsumu’s back before walking to you.
“Hey! You two walk so slow,” you comment, pointing to the stall in front of you, “they have ice cream there. Want some?”
“I’ll get it,” Atsumu says as he brings out his wallet.
“I’ll have mint chocolate,” Osamu says. You open your mouth to say your order but the blonde beats you to it.
“Vanilla with chocolate drip and those colorful sprinkles on top. Your favorite, right?” Atsumu says without looking up while he tries getting some coins out. You and his twin become silent, shocked at his familiarity. Osamu internally screams at his twin, this idiot!
On the other hand, you freeze. How did he know such a very specific detail about you?
Realizing what he just said, Atsumu stops as well, the gears in his head turning to think of an excuse, “Uhm… that was weird for me to know, huh? It’s just that Osamu complained so much about it when I was abroad. Guess it just registered in my brain hehe.”
Nice save, he thought.
“Oh…really? Haha, that’s… interesting to hear haha,” you awkwardly laugh.
“Yeah… anyway, I’m gonna–” he gestures to the stall before practically running to it.
As soon as you thought he was already far enough from the two of you, you grip Osamu’s arm and pull him closer to you and threateningly ask, “This is a question that requires an answer if you want to live through the day– who was Atsumu’s soulmate? Why is his thread also cut off?”
He yelps and stutters, “W-what? What soulmate… I have no idea!”
You tighten your grip on him, “Oh, please, Miya Osamu. I know you have an idea.”
He gulps, “I-I swear I don’t. We never knew because Atsumu couldn’t see the thread.”
You weren’t fully satisfied with his answer yet you had no choice but to let go of him as you see Atsumu coming back. You look at Osamu with a stare that tells him you were definitely not done with the said topic yet. God, she can be scary sometimes, the lad thinks and shivers in fear.
The blonde hands you your ice cream and smiles before looking around, eyes stopping at another stall.
“Oh, look! They sell waffles there, I think? I remember it’s also your favo–” he stops talking before correcting himself, “I remember Osamu saying it’s also your favorite, am I right?”
“Oh… uhh… yeah, you’re right,” you watch them argue with their eyes, frowning.
“I’ll buy it this time!” Osamu squeaks out, rushing off and leaving you two.
“He’s so weird,” you comment as you stand beside Atsumu, giggling when he agrees.
“I know right. The gods know how much I’ve put up with that ass,” he shakes his head before sighing, “But he’s put up with me so much as well and probably more… humbled me for so many times already. I’ve made a lot of dumb decisions in my life, yanno? But for some reason, he’s the one always anchoring me, bringing me back and reminding me I could try again,” he pauses and says thoughtfully, “that it’s never selfish to take a second chance at things… or the people I love.”
You look at him and find him already looking at you, melancholy swimming deep in his eyes. You feel another painful twist in your heart and find your eyes welling up. A tear falls down which makes you gasp, hand reaching up but Atsumu beats you to it, his palm was already on your cheek, the pad of his thumb wiping the lone tear. Realizing what he has done, he starts pulling back his hand, “sorry. I should’ve asked for your conse–”
He halts when you wrap your hand around his wrist, placing it back.
“You know, Atsumu-san. Looking at you hurts like hell,” you start, closing your eyes as you feel more tears coming down, “whenever I look at you, my heart does this painful thing where it almost feels like I’m about to have a heart attack. It’s excruciating but… it makes me feel so alive, so full at the same time. It makes me think– what if… what if you were my soulmate and I just forgot?”
You open your eyes and sadly chuckle, “I think I’m weird like Osamu too.”
You bring down both of your hands and intertwine it, “Sorry for this.”
Your heart skips yet again when he grips your hand tighter after squeezing it, all while mumbling, ‘it’s okay… I think.”
However, there's also a chord of restlessness that sits within me, eager to fill the gaps in my mind even if the universe and our fate is against doing so. Maybe, this is a taboo. Something that must remain unexplored, untouched. The complexity of it all must be left unknown, for ignorance is a bliss, they say right? Unfortunately for them, for me, and for you… the gravity that pulls me towards him is too great, too satisfying to not acknowledge. So, how can I, a mere personification of hope, not consider that blonde hair and amber eyes to be the house of the soul I’m searching for?
Treachery? Betrayal? A traitor to my soulmate? None of those matters.
hey there marga! how have you been?? hope you’re doing well as of now. looking forward to seeing the 2022-2023 plan unfold, hehe. stay ambitious and bright as always! ✌🏼💕
—sora—
soraaaa, hiiii omg!! this year was definitely not a good year for me but it's getting better these days~ i really hope i can push through these plans tho haha. anyway, missed you greatly! hope you're doing great as well 💗
this is a very late response but basically, this is "the 2022 plan" after i finish my current smau (and then, we fell apart):
sakusa smau/fic (direct sequel to atwfa) -- no explanation for this because if i give one, it will be a huge spoiler for atwfa ~~~
iwaizumi "soulmate(??) in every life" au (yes, he's the main lead AAAH second lead era is over) — this is the one i'm most excited of !!!!!!!
kuroo ghost(??) au (concept is heavily inspired by kdrama: hi bye, mama! but the plot is different)
more drabbles / headcanons (will probably open requests again when i get to this)
i'd love to include finishing "if fate permits" in the list but i haven't been getting some ideas and inspiration to write it lately (it only has 5 chapters left why am i like this lmao) but yeah, we'll get there sometime probably ><
anyway, this is a year long plan but it might still change depending on my mood !!! (i might lose interest in writing some of these but as of the moment, i'm very excited and i really want to start them already — it's just a sucker that i have commitment issues, figuratively and literally speaking 🥴😮💨 which is why i don't want to impulsively start them)
im just glad to hear you're alive marga !! i hope everything's going great for u 💗
thank you, bubs! the past 7 months have been really overwhelming and shitty irl but i like to think it's better now haha anw, thank you sm for this ^^ i hope you're doing great as well !! 💗
⤷ sypnosis. you like him, they said he likes you. isn't it supposed to be as easy as that? apparently, it's not when oikawa tooru decides to ask you to fake-date him to make the new girl jealous. it would've been fine... if only you weren't in love with him.
marga's notes. okay, let's have a bit of fluff and false hopes so that the angst will hurt a bit more ^_^
⤷ sypnosis. you like him, they said he likes you. isn't it supposed to be as easy as that? apparently, it's not when oikawa tooru decides to ask you to fake-date him to make the new girl jealous. it would've been fine... if only you weren't in love with him.
marga's notes. okay, let's have a bit of fluff and false hopes so that the angst will hurt a bit more ^_^
⤷ sypnosis. you like him, they said he likes you. isn't it supposed to be as easy as that? apparently, it's not when oikawa tooru decides to ask you to fake-date him to make the new girl jealous. it would've been fine... if only you weren't in love with him.
marga's notes. okay, let's have a bit of fluff and false hopes so that the angst will hurt a bit more ^_^
the somewhat miserable sight of your boyfriend's body tangled with the christmas lights as he laid on the floor welcomes you from work. he gives you a rather pathetic attempt of a smile as he struggles to disentangle himself, making you lift an eyebrow due to amusement and disbelief at the same time.
"as far as i can remember, the lights were supposed to go around the tree, not your body," you comment as you begin helping him, "besides, holidays are already done. why are you even bothering to put decorations now?"
you snigger when he tries to subtly squirm. but you knew this lad like your palm in addition to the back of your hand— you knew that right where your fingers were hovering over, just above his ribs, is where he gets ticklish the most. you wiggle your fingers, chuckling devilishly when he lets out a yelp.
"stop it," he grumbles, trying to slap your hand away but ultimately failing as he was still tied, "why don't you just help your poor lover instead of being a menace for once?"
"i think i like you better this way, you're much easier to control," you joke as you stop tweaking the formed knots of the lights.
he heaves an exasperated sigh, letting you do your own thing, "what did i even expect from you."
after a few minutes, he finally gets a taste of freedom... only to use the same christmas lights to tie you up instead. with a smug look on his face, he asks, "now who's easier to control?"
you let out a fake gasp before wiggling your eyebrows suggestively, "oh my my, babe. i didn't know you were so kinky."
his face drops, "you're insufferable."
he lets go of the christmas lights and huffs, "i wanted to give the house that christmas feels you speak of every year but look where it got me."
you stare at him with a confused expression and state the most obvious fact, "it's march."
"i know. but i wasn't here last christmas due to training and tournament, so i wanted to make it up to you when i came home," he says oh so casually as he clears the mess he made in the living room. it was as if it was the most natural thing for him to do.
his words sink in and you found yourself cooing and squealing as you throw yourself at him, "aww, omi. you're so sweet!"
he yelps and tries to push you off, "stop it. you—!"
figuring you're not gonna stop with the kisses and hugs you're currently peppering and showering him with, he sighs and tells you again, "you're insufferable."
you hum and giggle, "mhm yeah, sure, i am. you love me though."
"unfortunately."
"hey! what do you mean unfortunately?!"
marga's notes. i just had the dire need to write and post this
