All my dreams are about Mom. Because he's watching my subconscious and there's only mom mom mom around. Let me tell you (some of them which ones I like and which ones I wanted to remember and capture)
March 2023
I remember a clear feeling of having an umbilical cord, I felt small and fallen out, and I wanted my mom very passionately. Not just a strong desire, but a passionate one. And I wanted to cry uncontrollably. But I was somehow aware of Mom's presence next to me, on the left side. It was very bright, I didn't open my eyes, the picture was drawn just by feeling, and it felt like I was lying on the changing table like a screaming lump, but next to Mom. He was calm, but he hadn't done everything to make me feel comfortable yet. He was just getting ready. That's how I remember.
This feeling of the umbilical cord is unmistakable. It's warm.
And it's also an uncontrollable, primitive childish desire to express discomfort. I understood that I wanted to be in Mom's arms, I wanted to be warm, I wanted to hide. But all I could do was just cry and shake. And I can't even control it, as if I'm so out of control that there's no other way. I was literally a newborn
February 2025
I dreamed that I was at home, as if I had returned after a while, but everything was different here, and I was walking around the rooms in complete darkness at night and looking for Mom. I went into the room and saw him lying on the couch with his head to me and his feet to the window, I remember his round belly and very thin arms and legs, he didn't seem to be sleeping and I wanted to run up to him but I couldn't run in my dream and I just stood still and called him mom mom mom mom non-stop and he didn't hear me, then everything abruptly disappeared, as if the dream was over, but I continued to call mom and woke up.
Then I dreamed that Mom was angry and tense because he scolded other children, and I walked around him with the fear that he would scold me too, but he didn't answer me and just left the room.
In another dream I was in the bathroom with Mom, and he was hiding a newborn baby in some old underwear. I remember that I just silently watched as he put the child on the toilet lid and the child fell to the floor twice and beat his head, and Mom calmly picked him up and apologized and said that the child would die anyway or like he was going to be killed anyway, and I knew in a dream that his babies live for two days. And there will be a new one in two days. Therefore, he didn't care if he damaged it. Then Mom left and I looked at the baby's small hands, and then Mom drove me away, took me into the room and prepared me to go somewhere
February 2025 [2]
A short paralytic dream about some doctors discussing my mom from the side, and then I saw very closely that he was very ill, he was on his knees with his face to the floor and everything inside him was bubbling and rumbling and he was vomiting on the floor and pressing his face into the vomit and trying to crawl and crying.
Then I dreamed of some super rare unpublished interview with Nirvana that I wanted to show in the church, at first the three of them are sitting outside on the ground and then some kind of crazy starts and I, as the cameraman, ask Mom to change his position and he kneels down with his back to the camera and I shoot his GUT from the inside and all this on the street next to Krist and Dave, then I was editing these recordings in some super small narrow dark room and was afraid that someone would see it, then I went out into another room and went to Mom in the next small narrow dark room where only his bed could fit and he slept there, for some reason other unfamiliar children came in with me, and Mom got nervous and told us all to go play in our rooms.
And this interview was literally a continuation of these unpublished fragments (that were published not so long ago), just the same vibe, the same clothes, the same sea sun and even birds. Endoscopy interview mode. But I was thinking about giving Dad a capsule endoscopy, when there are no tubes in him, he can be dressed in any convenient position, but he has a small camera box with him where you can see the capsule shooting online. He could show it
March 2025
I dreamed about a terrible mess, I only remembered the moment when I was like a medical worker walking to the end of an empty corridor, there were two doors, in the left there was human meat, in the right there was animal meat. I was preparing some injections for mom and I heard his instructions from somewhere above, as if he was watching and teaching me. Like "take this and measure out so much". I had to take some human meat in the left door to inject for mom. Then everything got distorted and I went in the left door as a child, and it was mom's room. There was Krist as a visitor in the ward, and mom on a white hospital bed, naked and COVERED in syringes, which fed him a bunch of tubes, straight into his spine and neck. And he mockingly pointed out which tube was connected to which organ. And turned them off. And with a grin he suggested that I pull out the needles too, he was kind of touched or amused that I was afraid to do it, and Krist stood nearby and commented from the side like "stop fucking doing it", he wanted to take my mom somewhere. I remember that there was some super clear logic and numbers in these tubes, mom outlined them so that I could understand the calculation, but I forgot.
There was also something about mom's body, some kind of smell of skin and the sound of internal organs, something dark and sticky. He was saying something moralizing. He was judged from the outside. And they were looking for him. There was a city somewhere. But Mom spoke confidently. He knew what to do and dictated his instructions to me
May 2025
I remember Dad's body, I remember his skin, stubble on his face, adam's apple, he was lying on his back in front of me and I saw how he tilted his head back, swallowed saliva and how it rolled down his throat, the room was dark and I was very close above him and it took me a moment to see that he was sitting in some kind of armchair with his legs spread. It was some kind of ritual birth and he somehow forced the baby out of himself, although it felt too early for that. I remember his sighs and I remember that everything turned bright when I knelt down in front of him and saw his crotch close in front of me, the soft skin in the hairs and the bright pink anus. And I tried to push my baby fingers into it and felt it super soft and supple, and right in my dream I thought "Mom, what are you doing to me", there's a lot of mom and it feels like he's watching all this from the sidelines and he likes it. Then he took me somewhere, many rooms, some stairs, and for some reason I remember being completely naked, childishly unprotected, and someone saw me through the large windows while mom was looking for something in the rooms. But I wasn't shy about it and I wasn't afraid of it, because mom seemed to insist on it. To make me stand out. Then I remember something cultist-like, a mess of drawings, some death files, and I was doing something intently while Mom was watching from behind. I looked into his room. He was pointing out the window to me. I forgot the rest.
But this feeling is ritualistic, immersed in mom, surrounded by mom, it is very dense and very important, I must remember this. Dream was very tangible and viscous.
And when I was half asleep, I used my eyes and SAW drawings of a bunch of patterns, they floated and flowed, there were flashes of smooth stripes, then they broke into a new pattern and everything around blurred. And there was a feeling that the movement of the eyes was moving the fetal water flows in mom. It's like I'm moving inside my mom, and these cellular grainy patterns and darkness are inside him. I felt myself moving in the water.
There was something else, there were a lot of details, an ultra-subtle detailed dream, and I remember a rumpled blanket on mom's couch and a TV opposite and a smoldering cigarette. And Mom, so bright, so dense and domineering, but gentle, guiding, watching. The intimate, close feeling of a child's room, a black stuffy operating room for seahorses. The hairs on his skin between his crotch and thigh
