bella

if you know me no you dont

[skysradiantstar]

i noticed she still keeps hearts and kiss marks next to my name in her phone

[skysradiantstar]

okay so after doing all that ranting im realizing i need to stop being such an absolute self-absorbed loser. i just want us to keep being friends. i don't want to lose our friendship and as much as i resent whatever the hell has been happening with us for the past year, i love being around her and i just love her in general. we're better as friends anyway; even though im not one of her closest friends she's one of mine

[skysradiantstar]

all the movies make a big deal about just knowing when you're in love with someone. when you've found your person, it's something you know deep in your gut and heart. cue the butterflies and golden haze and fireworks. i've been tearing myself up over a situation where i feel like i love someone, but was i actually ever in love? i feel guilty because i said i was. i paraded the phrase around for a select few and said i was in love with the first person i ever had a crush on when that probably wasn't ever true. i don't even really know what true romantic love feels like and im angry that i cant stop thinking about a crush that i dont know if i even feel the spark for anymore. maybe i thought i deserved something? that this is just the prime time of romance, so i deluded myself? the whole situation feels like a whole display of selfishness now that i look at it a year into the future. i don't want to be depressed over something like this when we haven't ever actually communicated about it. there's just never been the right time and i don't think it ever will be the right time. i dont know that i care anymore. it might be best for us to not think about genuine romance while so young and focus on better things. besides, she deserves someone a whole lot better than me

[skysradiantstar]

i really did think that we both liked each other, but it's been, what, a year now? i don't know what i expected to happen. i barely know what i want, much less what you want anymore. i mean, maybe a real relationship was just never in the cards for us, but then why did you make it feel like it was? im starting to resent all the flirty conversations, the lingering looks and the silly hoping. i feel like an idiot because i don't know where to go from here. the only thing that feels left to do is slowly detach myself and let the friendship stay as it is. maybe youre scared, i don't know. i used to be. now im just defeated.

[skysradiantstar]

thinking about the past makes me feel so so sick

[skysradiantstar]

sometimes i think that an oppressive guilt has been hanging over my head my entire life. im so embarrassed of being who i am, and so guilty all the time of the burden that i put onto other people. i still feel guilt over being loud, for getting excited, though over the years i've tried to tame myself into something tolerable that can be swallowed easily. i try to be a mirror, someone who agrees with what you say and makes you feel good and isnt a nuisance. have i lost parts of my personality by doing this? probably. it doesnt matter, though, because it works. i have the friends that i used to want so so badly. it's a formula that consistently works and turns you into the person that everyone calls just so nice and so sweet and good to be around. even that crashes guilt down on me, because what if im faking every part of my personality and im really just a terrible person on the inside? i just want to be loved. i want people to like me :(