Grieving some1 who isn't dead is the worst. Grieving my old relationship w them is the worst.
We used 2 send those silly 'i love u' or 'our frienship is my favo' or 'ur my unicorn glitter gell pen in a world of basic pens' vids 2 each othen and now we don't do shit.
Idk what their interests r, i feel shut out. I cant talk 2 anyone abt it. Im lost n everything is racing. I do shit bc i want people to care. I want ppl to take an intrest in me. I want ppl to notice when im there and when im not. I want them to see me, hear me.
I dont enjoy being under the influence. I hate it. I like being sober, clear headed, calm. Instead I'm the opposite and the only thing that helps me achieve the calmness is being under any type of influence. No-one understands my way of thinking, the archives I made in my head, the way I store my emotions. No one tries to understand it. People just want me to change. They dont listen to me.
I love the dopamine rushes that I get when I buy useless stuff. I love the dopamine rush when I'm high. It"s not even dopamine. It's calm. I am calm. I think. I dont talk. I dont feel like I have to. I can breath. I can feel how my lungs hurt. How my head is cooling off.
I hate that I feel the need to get high. I hate being drunk. I hate puking. I hate the guilty feeling after a meal. I hate how good food taste. I hate how my life is written out. I hate how I will never accomplish anything. I hate how easy i am. I hate how people lash out on me. I hate how I react when they lash out on me. I hate having no empathy at all or feeling way too much. I hate how I am on a swing. I hate how I am a void. I hate the chaos. I hate the light.
I hate how people take me for granted.
gummygunk
kianamaiart
andulkaphoto
